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151741 No. 151741
Previous thread at >>140647.




It is way too early for this.

It is way too early for this, and you’re pretty sure your hostess would agree.

Seizing another flavorful-yet-unfilling taiyaki in hand, you drag your feet out to the front of the shrine. As you expected from the sounds entering your ears, there are two people arguing on the walkway beneath a red wooden arch. One is wearing some insane green-black patterned dress and some kind of fuzzy triangular head accessories. The other is-

“Royce-R-DLG, what the hell are you doing getting your digestive acid everywhere?”

-About to be reminded that you take your appointment as Hygiene Officer very, very seriously.

“Here is what is going to happen,” you rant on. “You are going to go inside that shrine. You are going to go through the main room, left through the door at the back, and take the second door on your right.”

“Urgh… Tyler, lay off on-“

“You are going to wash your hands and face, and then you are going to get a mop - “ there’s nothing to emphasize a point like lifting a guy up by the front of his uniform – “and you are going to swab up your mess.

“But I’m still feeliuuulch

You hurriedly release your grip on your equipment guy , barely pulling your arm away before another stream of foul-smelling digestive stuff lashes out at the walkway.

An exaggerated sigh escapes from between your jaws. “Look, just go clean yourself up. Or if you’re gonna keep hurling, at least hurl in the toilet instead of all over where people walk.”

“Uuuurgh…”

“Do it, man. This is just plain disgusting.”

“But I’m still…”

“And what’s that other smell, anyways? It’s vile.” And it is. Sewage-ish and sickly sweet, like rotting leftovers.

“The cart…”

Your patience is really stretching here. “Well, then get out of the cart before I start fining you credits. That has to be as bad for your health as anything there is.”

A finger prods at your shoulder.

“WHAT?”

The ear-girl owns that prodding finger, and she looks distinctly unamused. “Excuse me,” she hisses through a wrathful rictus. “What do you think you’re doing to Master’s guest?”

Oh, hell no. You are not in the mood for this right now.

==========
[]”I am correcting my coworker, thank you.”
[]”I am looking out for my coworker’s health. Are you going to help, or just stand there and get on my case?”
[]”Nothing you need to worry about. Go away.”
[]Need a minute? Grab a Snickers Eat that taiyaki.
[]Screw talking to this uppity little mutant. You’ll just go get Reimu to handle her for you.
[]Screw talking to this uppity little mutant. It’s laser time.

>> No. 151745
[X]”I am looking out for my coworker’s health. Are you going to help, or just stand there and get on my case?”
>> No. 151747
Fucking finally!

[X]”I am looking out for my coworker’s health. Are you going to help, or just stand there and get on my case?”
>> No. 151748
[X]”I am looking out for my coworker’s health. Are you going to help, or just stand there and get on my case?”

They must learn to respect our AUTHORITAY!
At least what little we have.
>> No. 151762
[x]”I am looking out for my coworker’s health. Are you going to help, or just stand there and get on my case?”
>> No. 151767
[x]”I am correcting my coworker, thank you.”

Orin does not know the hygiene.
>> No. 151772
[X]"I am correcting my coworker, thank you."

Also, the Previous Thread was >146047 BackupWeasel.

You posted a link to A Stitch In Time instead.
>> No. 151773
I'm not lysdexic at all, I swear.
>> No. 151783
>>146047

Actual working link
>> No. 151786
[X]”I am looking out for my coworker’s health. Are you going to help, or just stand there and get on my case?”
>> No. 151863
[x]”I am looking out for my coworker’s health. Are you going to help, or just stand there and get on my case?”
This story good is getting.
>> No. 151871
Due to extreme onesidedness in voting, and wanting to light myself a fire.
>> No. 151912
>>151871
>wanting to light myself a fire.
So... did we choose the wrong option or what? I like don't all at this.
>> No. 151915
>>151912
Pretty sure he meant it as lighting a fire under his ass.
>> No. 151986
>>151915 has it right. Despite my good intentions, though, writing is currently being delayed by me playing Rift.

Also, why so afraid to die? You have five extra clones. Live a little (and pardon my pun.)
>> No. 151991
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151991
Oh, so she’s going to play that game, eh?

You know how to win that game. Every. Single. Time.

Even before you turned to face her, your eyes were already making the transition to that slightly-more-shut-than-normal state that says You are an idiot, and I do not have time for you. The corners of your mouth descend to leave your lips as a flat, horizontal line.

“It’s seriously that hard for you to tell? I am looking out for my coworker’s health. Which will not be served well at all by such conditions as being encrusted in his own bile, or breathing acidic vomit fumes, or sitting in a handcart that smells like rotting something-or-other. I am the Hygiene Officer, and this is my job.”

The girl with two sets of ears? She pauses, blinks, starts to open her jaws. She might recover from being flabbergasted by your direct counterattack.

But that won’t do. No, not at all.

You take two steps closer, moving in for the finishing blow. “Now, are you going to help me, or just stand around and get on my case and stop me from getting him cleaned up while he stews in his own stomach juices?”

“Ah… I… I…”

PERFECT. That fluttery blinking, that backwards lean with the arms raised at the elbow… you have her fully stunned. Victory is yours.

And sure enough, Four-Ears recovers after no less than five full seconds, straightening her posture out and standing with her arms crossed and her head turned away. “Whatever. You’re a jerk anyways.”

You can’t help but let the bemused superiority you feel slip into your voice. “Helping, or no?”

“…Fine.”

A few moments later, the two of you finally manage to haul the equipment guy out of Her Eariness’s cart and position him unsteadily on his feet. “Take it slow,” you advise him. “Remember, that’s through the main room, left into the back hallway, second door on the right.”

Unfortunately for you, Royce’s only response is to groan and sag at the knees. The green-dress girl promptly loops her arm beneath his shoulder and across his back, glaring at you venomously. “Weren’t you the one talking about him needing help, mister I-have-the-moral-high-ground?”

Damn dammity damn damn damn. Looks like your only option is to get his other shoulder, and crapthatwoman’sfingernailsaresharpandpainful.

She’s grinning that grin again. Great.

Just bear it. Bear it and keep walking. You’ll get your fellow ‘Shooter to the sink, no question about that will be it.

The nails seem to retract after a few steps, and then it’s just a nice, smooth tread towards the entrance to the shrine, complete with the requisite bleary-eyed miko.

Wait.

“Whass all this about so early inna morning?” Wow, you had no idea anyone could be so coherent while speaking through a yawn.

“Well…”

==========
[]Give a factual, unbiased account.AHAHAHAHAHA never.
[]Give a mostly truthful account, and…
[]Make up some complete botshit, and…

--[]…Be sure to emphasize how heroically attentive and supportive you are.
--[]…Exaggerate Royce’s need for assistance.
--[]…Incriminate Miss Clawy-Nails for her violent, rude, unhelpful behavior while you’re at it.
==========
Note that the more extra crap you try to make up, the harder it is to make it believable.
>> No. 151994
[x] Give a mostly truthful account, and…
--[x] …Be sure to emphasize how heroically attentive and supportive you are.
--[x] …Exaggerate Royce’s need for assistance.

It would be kind of funny to watch him try to BS her, but I'm having a hard time figuring out why he would even want to do that in the first place.
>> No. 152000
[X]Give a mostly truthful account, and…
--[X]…Exaggerate Royce’s need for assistance.
--[X]…Incriminate Miss Clawy-Nails for her violent, rude, unhelpful behavior while you’re at it.
>> No. 152001
[x]Make up some complete botshit, and…
--[x]…Be sure to emphasize how heroically attentive and supportive you are.
--[x]…Exaggerate Royce’s need for assistance.
--[x]…Incriminate Miss Clawy-Nails for her violent, rude, unhelpful behavior while you’re at it.

Why would we want it to be believable?
>> No. 152006
[X]Give a mostly truthful account, and…
--[X]…Be sure to emphasize how heroically attentive and supportive you are.
>> No. 152007
[X]Give a mostly truthful account, and…
--[X]…Be sure to emphasize how heroically attentive and supportive you are.
--[X]…Incriminate Miss Clawy-Nails for her violent, rude, unhelpful behavior while you’re at it.

Just like a regular debriefing.
You tell the "enhanced truth", making sure everyone knows how heroic you were in service of Friend Computer even though you were surrounded on all sides by Communist mutant traitors.
Also, the Media guy was totally a spy for a secret cult and had to be terminated along with any "recordings" (Yeah, right. More like lies and propaganda, so don't trust any of them, should they somehow appear) of the events.

For some reason, my first post didn't get through, so I'm hoping this won't be a double post. I'll just delete it if it is.
>> No. 152014
[x] Give a mostly truthful account, and…
--[x] …Be sure to emphasize how heroically attentive and supportive you are.
--[x] …Exaggerate Royce’s need for assistance.
>> No. 152043
[X]Give a mostly truthful account, and…
--[X]…Exaggerate Royce’s need for assistance.
--[X]…Incriminate Miss Clawy-Nails for her violent, rude, unhelpful behavior while you’re at it.
>> No. 152052
>>152001

It takes effort to remember lies, and you are more likely to make a mistake and get executed for being a dirty traitor to friend computer.

[X]Give a mostly truthful account, and…
--[X]…Exaggerate Royce’s need for assistance.
--[X]…Incriminate Miss Clawy-Nails for her violent, rude, unhelpful behavior while you’re at it
>> No. 152066
This one was... kind of a pain to figure out how to call, but I think I've got it. Your combined intent (as I can guess at it) is being processed. Please wait warmly until it is ready. Failure to comply is treason.
>> No. 152421
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152421
“Good morning, Reimu!” You’re not as cheerful as you sound, but feigning happiness in the morning is a hard habit to break.

“Whass got you all worked up? ‘S too early t’ be all happy.”

“It’s a beautiful morning, isn’t it? And what should I hear as I’m getting myself a quick breakfast-time snack but a great ruckus outside your shrine?”

She blinks at you, possibly confused, possibly unamused, possibly trying to make the little bits of sleep-gunk in the corners of her eyes fall out without using her hands.

“So being the considerate, kind-hearted, all-around stand-up guy I am, I came out here to see what all the noise about – though I do have to apologize, I seem to have been too late to stop this thing from waking you up – and what do I find but my good friend Royce-R-DLG experiencing severe stomach distress? I would really appreciate if you let him use your bathroom, by the way; poor guy needs a reasonable place to wash up and wait for his digestive tract to calm down. I wouldn’t let him near the springs right now, though. Bad hygiene.”

“Mmm-hmm.” You’ve got the blink pinned down now – it’s the sleepy half-interest of someone who just wants the noise factory to shut down so they can go back to bed.

Well into the day.

And you thought you had sleep problems.

But there’s not time for dwelling on that, you’re on a roll here! “And incidentally, I would also greatly appreciate it if you could explain to our four-eared friend here -” you feel a glimmer of satisfaction as the clawy wench shudders with the chill of impending doom – “that my arm -” in a rapid flurry of movement, you turn sideways, move your left arm to hold the equipment guy up, and take your right arm off of his back to rotate into full view – “does not require any impromptu incisions at the moment.” Your sleeve comes into the miko’s view, sporting notable small cuts.

Hoo boy that got her attention.

Reimu’s lips curl upwards and her eyes narrow to slits, a face you would normally flee in terror. But then, it isn’t normally a face you know for a fact is directed at someone else. With a staccato snap-snap of her fingers, Reimu sets a pair of those ubiquitous red-white orbs to buoy Royce up by the armpits and gently drag him towards the privy, leaving Her Eariness fully visible and looking increasingly panicky. You hear a little fearful noise escape her lips. What does “Nya” mean, anyways?

“Tyler. Do take care of any problems that may arise while I’m educating this little kitten on the importance of respect between people, won’t you?”

You smile and nod. As expected, your (temporary?) employer does not take kindly to even the slightest possibility of a reduction in your capability to cook.

Just as planned. (Well, just as improvised on the spot, but who’s going to call you out on it?)

So, now, it’s time to…
==========
[]Obtain a mop and make that walkway look good.
[]Eat a victory taiyaki.
[]Make sure Royce isn’t dying on you or spying on you or anything.
[]Get a sneak peek of how Reimu hands out punishment.
[]Try something else… (write-in)
>> No. 152422
[x]Obtain a mop and make that walkway look good.

Hygiene officer gotta hygiene.
>> No. 152434
[X]Obtain a mop and make that walkway look good.
[X]Make sure Royce isn’t dying on you or spying on you or anything.
>> No. 152438
[X]Obtain a mop and make that walkway look good.
[X]Make sure Royce isn’t dying on you or spying on you or anything.
-[X] Once these are done, get a sneak peek of how Reimu hands out punishment.
>> No. 152439
Is it just me or is every option slowly being added?
>> No. 152441
[X]Make sure Royce isn’t dying on you or spying on you or anything.
[x] Prepare mop, then get a sneak peek of how Reimu hands out punishment(if you get quizzed as to why you're just standing there gawking, you got distracted)
-[x] Actually start mopping.
--[x] Once that's all done,prepare victory taiyaki.
>> No. 152442
[X]Obtain a mop and make that walkway look good.
[X]Make sure Royce isn’t dying on you or spying on you or anything.
>> No. 152444
[x]Obtain a mop and make that walkway look good.

We have to build our Reimu point combo!
>> No. 152445
[X]Obtain a mop and make that walkway look good.
[X]Make sure Royce isn’t dying on you or spying on you or anything.
-[X] Once these are done, get a sneak peek of how Reimu hands out punishment.

This should be fine.
>> No. 152447
[X] Make Reimu something for breakfast.
[x] Prepare mop, then get a sneak peek of how Reimu hands out punishment(if you get quizzed as to why you're just standing there gawking, you got distracted)
-[x] Actually start mopping.
>> No. 152454
[X]Obtain a mop and make that walkway look good.

We ARE the hygiene officer, after all.
Besides, making sure teammates aren't dying/spying and peeking at punishment can be done while mopping anyway.
>> No. 152482
[X]Obtain a mop and make that walkway look good.
[X]Make sure Royce isn’t dying on you or spying on you or anything.
-[X] Once these are done, get a sneak peek of how Reimu hands out punishment.

Although if >>152454 is right, then we should do that.
The point is, I'm curious to see how Reimu wil react.
>> No. 152528
You chose... unfocusedly.

I know that's not actually a word because you're not supposed to combine per- and suffixes that way, but it should be.
>> No. 152559
>>152528

Better than poorly at least.
>> No. 152656
Judo chop, my ass. That was a completed touchdown pass.

Fucking Patriots-loving refs.
>> No. 152689
>>152656
Christ, this year's Super Bowl is going to be unbearable. No matter who wins, we lose.

And I wanted the Super Harbowl. Oh, and for the 49ers to get their sixth trophy.

Maybe next year.
>> No. 152850
So I'm at sea again, which means schedule-killing rotating watches and no pictures... but also means I can't waste my whole day playing Rift.

Expect an update to get wrote once I figure out exactly where I'm going with your lack of focus, which disturbs me.
>> No. 152854
You were expecting focus, with those options? Were we supposed to beeline for the Reimu option?
>> No. 153183
You seem to remember seeing a mop in that little odds-and-ends closet right across from the bathroom. This is convenient for you, of course; you know better

than to trust another 'Shooter. Even if it is just poor dumb manipulable Royce.

"...seems to be working for one of the natives, but he still has his uniform and still acts like a hy-o. Probably still loyal, not like that traitor I had to

shoot."

Even if it's just poor dumb manipulable Royce and his inability to control the volume of his voice when he's using his PDC as an audio recorder.

"Friend Computer who art in the Complex. Followed be thy orders. ThyUUUUUUURK"

Even if it's just poor dumb manipulable Royce and his inability to control the volume of his voice when he's using his PDC as an audio recorder while

reciting FCCC-P prayers, which are still treasonous even if it's only just barely. And seriously, who keeps their PDC recording when they're about to puke?

Plus, his "church" (which is a damnfool term for a secret society if you've ever heard one) is a bunch of sanctimonious whiners with zero understanding of

the importance of free commerce. Back before the Free Markets, Unfree Minds initiative, they even complained about you supplying them with their-

Okay, stop, no reason to get into a mental rage spiral. You have to focus here.

You'll need a mop, check. Bucket, check. Soap, check. Water, check.

floorcleanerfloorcleanerfloorcleanerfloorcleaner

And it's out to the remains of whatever that witless equipment guy has been eating lately. The acidic stench is already a little less potent, but

unfortunaetly, this leaves more of your nasal receptors open to pick up the rotten-meat smell that seems to be integrated into the metal of that wheelbarrow.

Somehow, you have the feeling that you should be glad said wheelbarrow is empty.

Mopping. Mopping, mopping, mopping.

The reek of gut-juice is dispersing, but that rotting smell is still getting on your nerves. Maybe you should wash out the handcart's bin, see if that helps.

...Okay, closer inspection reveals there's actually something under the cloth, so that's a non-option. Ugh.

So instead, you go on pushing that mop until the flagstones of the walkway are actually a slightly brighter shade than the ones around them. Then, for good

measure, you work on the other stones, too.

That looks good. Oh, yeah. How satisfying-

"Repent!"

"Kyan!"

Okay, what was all that shouting from the shrine just now? People could probably hear it whole blocks away!

Or miles, or kilometers, or whatever unit of measure Gensokyo uses for distance. But that's beside the point. What did Reimu do to get that kind of

volume, anyways?

Your cleaning takes on a distinctively shrineward direction, but you only make it a couple of stones before the sliding doors open to disgorge a

still-snarling red-white and a Four-Ears with almost comical streams of tears trickling down her face. What did you miss?

"Tyler."

"Yes'm?" Given the venom in Reimu's voice, you don't think any other response is wise at the moment.

"You worked in resolving incidents, right? Well, we have ourselves an incident to resolve. Pick up that hand shooter of yours and get ready to go."

"Yes'm."

"Also get the tea cups out."

"Yes'm."

********

"I feel so much better now!"

It's really amazing how she goes from a caldera of smoldering rage to all smiles and happiness with one cup of tea. It really is. A quick glance around the

table reveals that Royce and miss clawy-hands are just as awed as you, and Her Eariness in particular has a perfect "this-is-so-unfair" look to her.

"All right," the miko says, "let's make a quick plan. We're going to need a way to get you red-jumpsuit boys down there in a reasonable amount of time-"

-You hear Royce groan at the thought of it-

"-And it just so happens that I have a few ideas! Here, Tyler, take a look!"

With a suitably dramatic swish, a sheet of plain paper covered in little stick figures appears in front of you.

==========
[] What's the one with the stick figures surrounded by little lines?
[] What's the thing that one stick figure is riding on?
[] What's the thing those two stick figures are riding in?
[] Why is the one stick figure dangling from a little ball by one arm and screaming a lot?
==========

I figured that a nice, gentle reminder that you can't do everything would be better than a fatal one with no warning in the middle of a fight.

On a less explanatory note, I have a stressful week ahead, which probably means plenty of writing juices given how Underway Hell Season lined up with my fastest updating. Oh, and suck it, Patriots. Suck it down.

>> No. 153184
[)] Why is the one stick figure dangling from a little ball by one arm and screaming a lot?

This will end in tears. I am ok with that.
>> No. 153187
[x] What's the thing that one stick figure is riding on?

Riding is fun!
>> No. 153191
[x] What's the thing that one stick figure is riding on?

The best part about the Patriots losing is that Joe Montana is still the greatest quarterback. Oh, and Boston fans are insufferable.
>> No. 153192
[] What's the thing that one stick figure is riding on?

My guess would be Genji.
>> No. 153196
[X] Why is the one stick figure dangling from a little ball by one arm and screaming a lot?
>> No. 153221
[X] What's the thing that one stick figure is riding on?

You have no idea how tempting it was to make a comment about riding...
>> No. 153228
[X]Why is one of the stick figures riding a stick figure lying on its back?

I couldn't resist.
>> No. 153231
[x] Why is the one stick figure dangling from a little ball by one arm and screaming a lot?
>> No. 153300
Congratulations to our one write-in voter for earning a throwaway joke when I write the update.

Also, I need to remind myself that Notepad's Word Wrap does bad things to formatting. Eeeewww.
>> No. 153380
You glance over the drawings. "So, what's that one stick figure riding... on... oh, come on." Pure exasperation moves your arm as you seize the paintbrush that had just extended from a hole in the air and started drawing an extra sketch on the paper. If you're guessing right, this will be about the point where Reimu shouts-

"Goddammit, Yuakri!"

Yeah, you're guessing right.

You swiftly yank the brush away from whatever creepy not-here it's poking out of at the moment and toss it into your new employer's waiting hand. That new drawing looks sort of like...

Like...

"Okay, that doesn't make any sense at all. I know people can fly here, but why would anyone fly on their back?"

"DENIED!" It's really quite impressive how quickly she brushed over that other image.

"Alright, so back to my original question. What's the one stick figure riding on? Looks like some kind of giant scrubot." Which it does - nothing but a dome with a couple of protrusions at the bottom rim.

Reimu's expression shifts to a wistful smile. "It's been a while... let's go out back and meet him, shall we?"

********

"So..." You wave your arm at the pond. There's no magic flying scrubot here, just some floating algae and a huge yellow-brown rock with weird patterns on it.

The miko stops at the edge of the pond and clears her throat. "Oh, Gen-jiiii..."

And then the rock speaks.

"Heh. 'S been a while, girl. Why not spend more of your free time talkin' to this ol' man?" The rock rises, water pouring from the edges, and extends a great green head from under its circumference. The scaly green face sports a long white beard; you're not sure why, but the sight of it is almost making you crack up.

"I'm sorry, Genji, I'm sorry. The last few days were kind of different, you know?"

The weathered, scaly face suddenly perks up with interest. "Oh, do tell!"

Your brain swiftly tunes out the exact words of Reimu's recap, instead zeroing in on implications and accusations. Or it would, but there really aren't any... well, there aren't any at your expense, anyways. And who cares if implications are made about Handlebars and that terrifying Yukari woman?

"...And so I thought, good old Genji hasn't been flying ever since I learned to do it myself, so why not give him a chance to do it again?"

The mountainous stone rumbles with discontent. "It's not that I don't appreciate the thought, kid, but there's a bit of a problem here."

"And that is...?"

"Your buddy Tyler," the Genji-thing rasps, "is a dude. Male. And somehow, I'm not interested in having another man's jewels resting on my back."

Well, this could be a problem. Time to suggest...

==========
[]...A way around that problem. (Write-in suggestion)
[]...Trying that other sketch, the one with the stick figure and the ball.
==========
Short update, yeah, but some choices just need to be there.
>> No. 153385
[x] There is a mythical substance known as "Turtle Wax". Maybe he'd be interested in some?
>> No. 153391
[x] "How about a piece of thick cloth or a saddle, should it be a reasonable option? Or maybe standing up? I'm confident on my balance"

Well, that or using hormonal inhibitors card but it's not like he isn't a man anyway, hmmmm... that gives me an idea:
[x] "What do you mean by "man jewels"?"
>> No. 153394
[X] "What do you mean by "man jewels"? And what clearence are they?"
>> No. 153397
[X] "Jewels? I don't have any jewels. Rubies are too expensive for the Fun Allocation Fund Friend Computer has Allocated to me."
>> No. 153402
[X] >>153394 >>153397 This.
I want to see Reimu try to explain to Genji why Tyler is... Well, as he is.
And if the subject happens to be something slightly embarrassing like "man jewels", then so much the better.

That said, only a very small amount of citizens in sector GSK have the necessary clearance for such "jewels". Are you one of them? If you have to think about this, then you are not.
Please report to the nearest Friend Computer Console to find out what your Happy Correctional Activity will be for trying to go beyond your clearance.
If there are no Friend Computer Consoles near your current position please report to the nearest Termination Booth instead, as failure to report for Happy Correctional Activities is Treason.
Have a Nice Day, Citizen.
>> No. 153408
[X] "Jewels? I don't have any jewels. Rubies are too expensive for the Fun Allocation Fund Friend Computer has Allocated to me."
[X] "How about a piece of thick cloth or a saddle, should it be a reasonable option? Or maybe standing up? I'm confident on my balance"

The first for (hopefully) another throwaway joke scene, and the second because the first doesn't really address the "convince Genji to let us ride him" thing.
>> No. 153440
[X] "Jewels? I don't have any jewels. Rubies are too expensive for the Fun Allocation Fund Friend Computer has Allocated to me."
[X] "How about a piece of thick cloth or a saddle, should it be a reasonable option?
>> No. 153460
Good news, everyone! I'm on shore again, so I don't have to deal with Navy machines anymore. The advantages of which will be mostly negated by me playing MMOs, but you're all used to that. You'll be fine.

Also, I strongly encourage you all to keep setting up easy jokes for me like this. It makes my job easier, and reduces my urge to increment your clone number.
>> No. 153955
"Jewels?" You geth the feeling that you're missing something here."I don't own any rubies or carnelians or whatever. Gems are way too expensive for a RED citizen's Fun Allocation Fund."

The Genji-thing lets out a rasping guffaw, one that sounds eerily similar to the final rattlings of that one ULTRAVIOLET who got old enough to die of it. "How the hell am I supposed to believe you don't know when I'm talking about the twig and berries?"

" 'Scuse me?"

"You know, the fun factory smokestack."

You shrug. "I'm not getting anything from these phrases of yours."

"The laser and two bullets?"

"...Nope, not meaning much to me."

"The sausage and eggs?"

Some strange impulse drives you to smack the bottom of your fist into your other hand's open palm. "Oh, the bolt and bearings! But you don't have to worry about that, anyawys. I'm not exactly planning on taking off my jumpsuit at random."

"Still too close." Damn, but the Genji-thing is obstinate.

"What if I set a blanket on top, or something?"

The living stone grumbles. "That still doesn't solve the underlying problem. I'm not interested in having some guy sitting down on me."

"Well, what do you want me to do, then, stand up?"

"Huh!" The Genji perks up. "That would actually solve a lot. Think you can stay balanced?"

"I used to ride a boardhack to work," you reply with no small amount of pride. "Of course I can keep my balance." That boardhack was good, too; 70CC magnetic-driver engine and ceramite-surface wheels. It cost you two years of Out Of Sector Transit Stipend, and it was worth every credit. There's really nothing like a sidewalk-legal set of wheels, especially when your sector is full of impressionable dolts who think boardhacks make you look cool instead of looking like a Junior Citizen with a bloated ego.

"Well, then, you've got yourself a deal, kiddo."

Unfortunately, your chance to bask in your accidental victory is interrupted by a soft giggling sound. You crane your head around to catch the sight of a little strip of nothing in the air, letting out lazy laughter, and a Reimu with her face in one palm.

It's her again. Dammit.

==========
[]Reach through the rent in space and pull someone out.
-[]"Hello, Yukari."
-[]"What are you doing in there, Handlebars?"
[]"Hey, Reimu..."
-[]"Why the palmed face?"
-[]"You know there's a gap full of slackers right there, right?"
[]No comment.
==========
My ship is about to go get demagnetized, an endeavor which leads to me being stuck on board with no internet whatsoever. (Probably.) Here, have an update to tide you over.
>> No. 153957
[X]Reach through the rent in space and pull some things out.
-[X]"Yukari."
--[X]"What are you doing in there with her, Handlebars?"

We shall pull them both out WITH ONE HAND!
>> No. 153958
[x]"Hey, Reimu..."
-[x]"Why the palmed face?"
>> No. 153960
[X] "Hey, Reimu..."
-[X] "Why the palmed face?"

This pun is so bad, I can't resist.
>> No. 153961
[x]"Hey, Reimu..."
-[x]"Why the palmed face?"
>> No. 153969
[X]Reach through the rent in space and pull some things out.
-[X]"Yukari."
--[X]"What are you doing in there with her, Handlebars?"
>> No. 153970
[x]Reach through the rent in space and pull some things out.
-[x]"Yukari."
--[x]"What are you doing in there with her, Handlebars?"
>> No. 153990
[X]Reach through the rent in space and pull some things out.
-[X]"Yukari."
--[X]"What are you doing in there with her, Handlebars?

Great, riding a turtle master Roshi style.
>> No. 154242
Wait warmly, cowards! Wait warmly!

Man, I miss Sinistar.
>> No. 154455
So I'm now out on (hopefully) my last trip out to sea. I'll be at work on the next update when I can, since this underway actually has internet available.

And I'm sorry I let myself keep getting distracted by all the stuff I was trying to do while I was on shore.
>> No. 154462
File 133165669131.png - (1.47MB , 870x900 , 24190115.png ) [iqdb]
154462
>>154455
Hooray!

>sorry
Don't be.
>> No. 155578
File 133459386215.jpg - (624.83KB , 500x1450 , justice is served.jpg ) [iqdb]
155578
You stare at the gap.

The gap stares back at you.

You stare at the gap.

The outlines of eyes stare back, but they’re just there, not truly anything. An experimental wave of the arm proves it; the crimson caricatures don’t move an inch to track the obvious motion.

There is, however someone in there. Laughing at your situation.

You are not in the mood to put up with this.

You reach an arm into the abyss, your hand briefly brushing across a familiar soft round thing -

"How bold of you, dear."

"Pardon me for a second, Yukari."

- And, guided by the continued sound of giggling, seize hold of a handlebar.

"HEY!" The voice is just as childish as ever, and more than a little petulant. With barely a tug, you lift the tiny oni off of whatever she was standing on and yank her out of the gap into the real world. For a Gensokyo value of "real", anyways.

"What, exactly, were you doing in there?"

"I was going to offer you some help with this incident," the pouting oni mutters, "but you had to be a jerk about it. Jerk." Her body twists sideways in the air; you're pretty sure that if she were standing on solid ground, she would be looking away and sulking.

Also your arm would be out of its socket. Suika may be light, but your ribs still ache a little from that wink-wink-nudge-nudge two days ago.

Hoo boy. It's time to let go of her.

As soon as your hand is empty, Yukari slithers out of that horrifying nothingness full of eyes and seizes it with a triumphant smirk. "Why, thank you for your assistance, young man! It's so good to see the youth of today shouldering responsibility for their own problems, you know-"

-there are knives in those words you can see them you can hear them oh no-

"-And since you're such a good sport, I'll even provide you with a few useful little trinkets to help you on your way!"

Wait. What?

“Now open your hands up, that’s a good boy, and have some of these little-“

You tune out the remainder of her sentence, staring in confusion at the little red squares. What… what are these things? And why is she handing them to you?

Was she actually being sincere?

…Nah. Everyone in the Complex knows people are never sincere with thank-yous.

You experimentally pop one into your mouth. Tastes like Artifical Cherry Cough Medicine Flavor. That, and…

oh sweet CompNode it’s hydropsionic acid you know this stuff the pharmacy guys made your whole team take it once you were puking everywhere and hugh-r-ded set himself on fire with mutant powers he didn’t even know he had oh no oh no oh no

“Do you like it, dear? Those power chips are just bursting with magic. Go on, try another!”

oh no oh no oh no

==========
[]zero
[]two
[]five?
[]five.
==========
Wow, that took… way too long to produce, especially given that most of it was done almost a month ago.
>> No. 155579
[x]five?

Though why a seventeen-year-old would need a hand or be talking about the "youth of today" is a bit beyond me.
>> No. 155580
All that time and I fail at putting my name on my posts. Words cannot express the angryweeabooeyes I am focusing into the nearest reflective surface.
>> No. 155581
[]five?

Hooray for updates!
Anyway, this is a really funny way to see the "power" items, I like it.
>> No. 155583
[x]five.
>> No. 155584
[x]five.

Are you sure we are dealing with certified Troubleshooter? It´s been a while so I might be wrong but wasn´t the Equipment-Guy around here somewhere?
To test potentially dangerous stuff which might set us on fire with mutant powers we maybe don´t have?
>> No. 155586
Dun-dun-dun! Finally!

[x]two

Let's be safe.
>> No. 155587
>It´s been a while so I might be wrong but wasn´t the Equipment-Guy around here somewhere?
To test potentially dangerous stuff which might set us on fire with mutant powers we maybe don´t have?

Good luck getting past Orin to do it. Also, those numbers don't mean what you think they mean. Unless you're inhumanly good at guessing what I'm up to. Super-secret hint: "five?" and "five." would have been "six?" and "six." if I had counted what I was counting consistently.
>> No. 155588
I love vague choices! Please, use them more often.
>> No. 155592
>>155581
Here, changing my vote, because if you refer to the "six-pack" then I'd play it safe.

[x] Two
>> No. 155598
Nope, it's not about the six-pack either. I'm not going to kill you multiple times over one decision; that's a dick move.
>> No. 155610
>>155598

Then you're not doing Paranoia properly.
>> No. 155617
[x]Zero
>> No. 155618
Itchin' to type. I will call votes in twenty-four, count 'em, twenty-four hours. In case of ties at the call time, I will choose whichever of the tied options I like more.
>> No. 155619
[x] five?

Magic candy nomnomnom.
>> No. 155620
I can't get this mental image of Reimu standing over a pile of dead fairies shoving squares into her mouth out of my head.
>> No. 155622
[]zero
>> No. 155625
File 133483682891.jpg - (335.68KB , 660x600 , dd2851cb39a667adcf2fc52f358b66f8[1].jpg ) [iqdb]
155625
[x]five?
>>155620
powerup items are... people?
>> No. 155627
And the winning vote is [x]five? (Not to be confused with the [x]five. vote, which by the way would have been really cool.)
>> No. 155628
File 133487659579.jpg - (502.19KB , 600x800 , 26640165.jpg ) [iqdb]
155628
>>155627
Make vague choices, be disappointed when one doesn't win, don't describe what would have happened anyway.
>> No. 155629
File 133489197297.jpg - (61.46KB , 320x304 , 1241070954118.jpg ) [iqdb]
155629
>>155627
oh u
>> No. 155718
Please don't make choices where nobody has any idea what they're voting on, or worse, think they are voting for something they are not.

Except, of course, in cases where the character also does not know or is mistaken. As far as I could tell, this wasn't such a case.

I don't mean to sound rude, but I really don't see the point of votes if nobody knows what the votes mean.
>> No. 160569
File 134468466864.jpg - (221.52KB , 1024x768 , Logical Fallacies.jpg ) [iqdb]
160569
Scarlet shoots through the world, running trails noisiv ruoy hguorht wherever it dares rest itself. All else is merely not-red, the [spoiler]what’s purple?[/i] of Yukari’s sleeves no different from the there is no white set in counterpoint to Reimu’s glorious candy-apple wrappings (ofcoursetheresacandyappleyoumadesomeonceITISAVERYSPECIFICRED) -

-and the world snaps back into perspective.

“What the hell was that?” Which is a pretty important question, because the reaction wasn’t the same as what you expected, and your fingers are aching with that swollen stiff-jointed sensation that you get from too much time in the freeze locker.

“That, dear, was pure magic. It’s concentrated, delicious, and helps win danmaku matches! Children should respect the power of magic!” And for a less important question, where did Yukari get the chalkboard and pointer from? And why is she tapping the pointer on empty green sp- ohshitlookaway no, wait, that’s just force of habit, and the only other Alpha Complex resident anywhere near here is having a lie-down.

“You’re speaking in Gensokyo terms I know nothing about here.”

“Young men should pay attention to explanations from their teachers!” With a soft fwump, the most ostentatious hat you have ever seen drops from nowhere onto Yukari’s head, followed by briefly lingering sounds of chattering children and a single angry scream. Seriously, even without the pointless braided-string-danglies and the three-tiered square shape, it would still be far larger than the wearer’s head. “It’s magic! Magic needs no explanation!”

“But you just said-“

“Oh, hush. Those make you better at… well, whatever it is you do with whatever ability you have. And you have danmaku, so there must be something you can do!”

You show the purple-clad ancient your best flat expression. “You mean those wonky little bolts that my laser started shooting when I swapped barrels? That’s R&D’s fault. Don’t go blaming me for their faulty products.”

And the violet one stops, and the violet one holds the back of her hand to the bottom of her chin, and the violet one hmmmms for a moment…

…To the side, you see the two-clearance red-white tense nervously…

…And the violet one smiles, fingers snapping, body rising skyward. A dreadfully, drearily familiar rippling haze forms in the air, that cubic space that means it’s time to point and squeeze and move like you’re in one of the dance associations that you never understood the appeal of. “Let’s see what your faulty products can do then, dearie~”

Yup, it’s this again. You reach for your hip, already envisioning that practiced motion of drawing, pointing, firing-

wham

-and your trusty laser pistol flies up out of its holster and smacks against your chin before whirling upwards into the air. Not a problem, though, its motion is predictable. You stretch your arm out to catch it, already predicting its fall-

wham

-and it accelerates down about twice as quickly as you had expected, bruising the back of your hand and landing barrel-first in the ground, barely a handspan away from your foot, embedded just far enough to get you to wondering if your steel-toed safety boots would have been up to the task.

Well, shit.

==========
[]Grab it and pull it up.
[]Kick it into the air to catch it.
[]Kick it at Yukari. See if it breaks physics when you do that, too.
==========
This is the result of taking it too easy about writing.
>> No. 160578
[x]Kick it at Yukari. See if it breaks physics when you do that, too.

Easy way to find the source of this wierdness.
>> No. 160581
[X]Kick it at Yukari. See if it breaks physics when you do that, too.

We need to get some Improbability Grenades.
>> No. 160582
>Local Mutant Registration Office
Goddamn it Yukari, Paranoia mutant powers should not be abused.

[X]Grab it and pull it up.
Do not rely on Telekenesis.
>> No. 160583
[]Kick it at Yukari. See if it breaks physics when you do that, too.

My guess is acceleration manipulation.
>> No. 160618
[x]Kick it into the air to catch it.

Style is forbidden.
>> No. 160619
[X] Report to Mutant Registration Office.
>> No. 160967
File 134569089037.png - (178.16KB , 400x375 , ohgodswhat.png ) [iqdb]
160967
The handle of your laser stands unmoving in the air, much like Yukari.

Yukari floating there, with one arm curled beneath her chest and the other holding a paper half-circle over her face, while her shoulders twitch up and down in short sharp bursts of motion. Laughing at you. Mocking you.

If you had your way, you would wipe away that smirk that you just know she’s hiding underneath the folding paper thing. And you think you know exactly how to do it. If the laser pistol moves faster when you consider its motion, and you start it moving towards her while also thinking about it-

-Yep, your kick sends the pistol rocketing towards Her Violetness at terrifying speeds, though it seems to be aimed just a teensy bit lower than you had planned andearcomputerwhatisthatNOISE it leaves a messy hole in her dress, and her leg, and her leg isn’t full of meat and bones it’s full of those goddamn eyes and how did her face go from smirking to rage without any transition this can’t be good

“Lethal force,” the ancient says, “is forbidden. But what goes for the goose…”

Something slams into you from behind, hard, and you can feel bones shattering throughout your body as you are propelled forward into the sea of crimson gazes. As your brain shuts down and your MemoMax implant sends out its last signal, you see what you could swear is the transcar station in sector MLY. It’s good to be ho






“Troubleshooter Tyler-R-MLY. This is Friend Computer, local CompNode SRS.”

What… where are you? This doesn’t look like anything you’ve seen before. You’re strapped into a padded chair with some kind of buckled flexible belts, like the crash webbing in a Vulture Squadron dropjet. There are no other chairs, though, just several sealed cabinets and a sensation of terrifying speed.

“Due to unforeseen events, your mission parameters have been altered.”

And a large flatscreen monitor, with the familiar disembodied blue eye that represents your ruler no matter which local proxy it’s speaking through.

“Upon the arrival of your clone delivery capsule at your intended destination, I expect contact to be lost. Approximately five minutes remain prior to arrival. Do you have any questions or concerns prior to your insertion into the RFE-D anomaly?”

==========
[](Enter topics.)
==========
Surprisingly, I spent more time distracted by other windows with this update fully typed than I did having the writer's block.
>> No. 160981
[x] What alterations have been made to my mission parameters?
>> No. 160984
[X] What alterations have been made to my mission parameters?

> "Lethal force," the ancient says, "is forbidden."
> "Failure to use lethal force," Friend Computer says, "is treason."
>> No. 160986
>>160984

being stuck between gap-hax and friend computer cannot end well, however friend computer seems unable to see into gensokyo for the time being so we follow our primary survival stratagem: Lie our ass off.
>> No. 160991
As many questions will be answered as I can possibly fit into the narrative equivalent of five minutes in a high-speed clone delivery capsule. Go nuts and ask as many questions as you want; what's the worst that could happen, given I'm slightly less nuts than your average Friend Computer and won't kill or maim you for just asking?

Don't answer that, especially not in a creative fashion. You shoukd know better than to give a Paranoia GM ideas.
>> No. 161002
extension from >>160981

[x] Ask about supplied equipment.
[x] Ask about how I am to leave the anomaly(so we can wreck it if we want to).
[x] Ask about currant trajectory into the anomaly, request that we aim for (yukari's description here) if all all possible.(payback is a bitch).
[x] Ask how many clones we have in storage, if we don't know already.
>> No. 161096
I am glad to see this is back.

[X] What alterations have been made to my mission parameters?
[X] Did you, by chance, pack me extra jumpsuits? Somehow I don't think that one is sufficient from prior experience.
[X] ...And just how am I being transported... wherever it is that I'm going?
>> No. 161123
File 134610846041.gif - (8.27KB , 199x190 , FCbasic.gif ) [iqdb]
161123
“Friend Computer, please state my new mission parameters.”

“Processing. Due to the complexity of your new mission objectives, a briefing packet has been included in the clone delivery capsule's supply cabinets. Please consult the briefing packet upon arrival at the mission site. Remember, to prevent information leakage, all mission packets are printed with rapid disappearing ink which activates upon exposure to air. Please do not open briefing packets frivolously.”

“Please state contents of supply cabinets.”

“Cabinets contain: One spare set RED reflec coveralls. One Personal Digital Assistant, ReD. One laser pistol, RED. One laser pistol barrel, RED. One PhysiTech Canteen Plus, RED, containing B3, meal replacement bars, and Xanitrick. One experimental rapid-fire pulse laser barrel. One spare set safety boots, RED. Three standard fragmentation grenades, RED. Remember, replacing used grenades consumes valuable resources. Please avoid using bombs frivolously.”

“Please state known methods of exiting the RFE-D anomaly.”

“Known methods of exit are: Death. Remember, your clone supply is limited. Please avoid dying frivolously.”

“Please state entry trajectory to the RFE-D anomaly.”

“Processing. The clone delivery rail system will deliver your capsule upwards into the anomaly. Reports from Troubleshooter Hugh-R-DED indicate seemingly random points of arrival at the exit of the RFE-D anomaly. Please do not enter spatial anomalies frivolously.”

That’s really all you can think of to ask, which is odd – normally you ask the SRS node all sorts of questions. You must be off your game from suddenly being in your second clone body instead of your first. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

As if in response to your silence, tinny sounds start coming through the speakers. “Studies have discovered that elevator music causes elevated levels of anger,” the CompNode opines. “Please refrain from listening to elevator music frivolously.”

The dull, lifeless music continues for a couple of minutes before the pod suddenly changes directions, throwing you forward into the crash webbing before pulling you down into the chair’s cushioning. This feels awful, but at least it isn’t-

-And, of course, as soon as you think that thought, the music cuts out and a terrible shaking starts, then just as abruptly stops, leaving you nauseous. You can hear someone’s voice outside the pod, though you’re not even sure what volume they’re speaking at – it’s not like you’re familiar with listening through the doors of something nobody ever rides in given a chance.

With a pneumatic hiss, the monitor that once held Friend Computer’s iconic eye image swings away and up, letting searing bright sunlight into your unprepared eyes. Most things are nothing but light or dark spots to you, but you can make out a patch of…

==========
[]R
[]O
[]Y
[]G
[]B
[]I
[]V
>> No. 161124
[X]Y

Sunflowers are yellow. Hi again, Yuuka! Were those your sunflowers I landed on? I'm really sorry. By the way, have you seen Reimu?
>> No. 161127
>>161124
I like the way you think.
[x] Y
>> No. 161129
[x] Y

Is there even a "lethal" force while dealing with the likes of Yukari? I mean omnipotent inmortal beings against a normal-ish human being, anyway, it wouldn't be paranoia without hilarious deaths.
>> No. 161133
[x] Y
Welp.
>> No. 161134
[X] UV
>> No. 161170
File 134632198376.png - (1.16MB , 914x914 , Flower Land.png ) [iqdb]
161170
…yellow, a cartoonish clearance-paint hue, in a horizontal band stretching across the opening in your clone delivery capsule.

URGH. So bright.

Well, that aside, it’s time to unbuckle your crash webbing and grab your gear out of the cabinets. Carrying that second spare uniform around is going to be a bit of a trick, but you’re sure you’ll manage.

When you open the cabinet containing your briefing packet, your blood immediately freezes. The plastic wrap is torn, snagged on the free end of a too-long screw. The writing on the cover page is fading, but if you’re quick about reading the rest-

”COMMIE BOTSHIT!”

-The rest is misprinted, several layers of text caught on the same page, the overlap ruining all readability. This is just- this is-

Oh, no.

“I am so dead.”

“You certainly will be if you continue with that language, young man.”

Your eyes are better adjusted now, and one of the vague dark blotches outside has resolved itself into another of Gensokyo’s riotously colored residents. The combination of red and white clothing is nothing new to you, sure, but if that shade of green is her real hair color you will eat your canteen. And what’s the deal with that cloth dome on a stick?

“Do come out of that silly metal marble. I need a word with you.”

“One moment, please…” And there are your grenades, just clip them to your belt… and exit.

“So,” greenhead declares as you lever yourself over the lip of the capsule’s exit, “it seems you managed to avoid crashing that little pachinko ball into any of my flowers. This is quite pleasing to me, but what I have to wonder is…”

A sweeping gesture of her arm directs your eyes across the field of strange yellow-headed plants, then to the house on the far side of your delivery pod, and finally to the splintered wood sticking out from under it. “How, exactly, do you intend on compensating me for destroying my front porch?”

==========
[]Start talking. (Write-ins only)
==========
Fun Fact: []Y was originally planned to be someone else, but this sounded more fun. Speculate away - you're giving me ideas. For how to make you sweat.
>> No. 161173
> You should know better than to give a Paranoia GM ideas.

>Sunflowers are yellow. Hi again, Yuuka!

Well done commie traitor you have endangered us all with your reckless idea giving, please report for immediate execution, followed by imprisonment.

[x] You had no control of the vehicle and have no idea where you are. say you'll help rebuild how you can while assuring you have no idea, or control over, where you landed. Ask about where you are and act surprised at stuff to help your case for having no idea what's going on.
>> No. 161174
So. Our instructions are useless, we don't know where we are, we're facing an incredibly dangerous unregistered mutant, and people are giving the GM IDEAS.

Yep, this is paranoia.


[x] You had no control of the vehicle and have no idea where you are. say you'll help rebuild how you can while assuring you have no idea, or control over, where you landed. Ask about where you are and act surprised at stuff to help your case for having no idea what's going on.

Good write-in, and it gives us a secondary objective: blackmailing whoever we need to that that this woman gets her house back and doesn't repeatedly kill us. In the most literal sense.
>> No. 161175
We are so dead.
>> No. 161180
[x] You had no control of the vehicle and have no idea where you are. Say you'll help rebuild how you can while assuring you have no idea, or control over, where you landed.

(Removed the last bit about not knowing about Gensokyo or people inside because of massive chance of that backfiring)

Well, at least this isn't the stupid Lovecraftian!Yuuka interpretation.
>> No. 161186
[x] You had no control of the vehicle and have no idea where you are. Say you'll help rebuild how you can while assuring you have no idea, or control over, where you landed.

This sounds like the most sensible thing to do, which is why any good troubleshooter should never do it. Fortunately Tyler seems like a rather bad troubleshooter...
>> No. 161222
[X] How about a nice meal? I'm quite a skilled cook, you know.
>> No. 161225
[x] You had no control of the vehicle and have no idea where you are. Say you'll help rebuild how you can while assuring you have no idea, or control over, where you landed.
-[x] Also inform her that you're a skilled cook, and in the meantime, while assessing the means of repairing the damage, you can offer her a nice meal.

Let's not die frivolously, or at all.
>> No. 161233
>>161173
>Well done commie traitor you have endangered us all with your reckless idea giving, please report for immediate execution, followed by imprisonment.

You're welcome!


[x] You had no control of the vehicle and have no idea where you are. say you'll help rebuild how you can while assuring you have no idea, or control over, where you landed. Ask about where you are and act surprised at stuff to help your case for having no idea what's going on.

Knowing things about what's going on is treason. If you were supposed to know what was going on, it would have been briefed to you, citizen.
>> No. 161317
[x] You had no control of the vehicle and have no idea where you are. Say you'll help rebuild how you can while assuring you have no idea, or control over, where you landed.
-[x] Also inform her that you're a skilled cook, and in the meantime, while assessing the means of repairing the damage, you can offer her a nice meal.
>> No. 161405
>>161317
>tripfagging
Stop that.
>> No. 161607
x] You had no control of the vehicle and have no idea where you are. Say you'll help rebuild how you can while assuring you have no idea, or control over, where you landed. -[x] Also inform her that you're a skilled cook, and in the meantime, while assessing the means of repairing the damage, you can offer her a nice meal.

Also, one navybro to another, are you stationed in Norfolk? You said you had a port call in England, so I assume you're still east coast
>> No. 161861
So I had finally figured out an interesting way to handle this situation and was about to write... but then I remembered that it was time to read Return to Ravnica spoiler lists and go spend sixteen hour in a row at my friendly local gaming store, playing card games.

After I take a nap, I will be heading back for two more tourneys, because the last three just weren't enough. But AFTER that, I willl be getting to work. I promise an update before sunup Tuesday, U.S. east coast time.

>>161607: I'm in Norfolk, but only because I haven't moved away yet after completing my contract and getting out.
>> No. 161900
File 134917252325.png - (858.84KB , 2048x1152 , The Big Enemy Is Approaching At Full Throttle.png ) [iqdb]
161900
“Um. Well.”

“Yes, I’m listening.” As your eyes continue to adjust, Greenie’s face seems to come into focus. People are not supposed to smile like that when they’re angry. Those old-bricks-red eyes aren’t helping either. Sure, there’s no obvious malice in them, but anyone who thinks they can really read people’s emotions through their eyes has probably never been to sector USO. It’s the most wretched hive of traitors and treachery in the Complex. Plus, the Bouncy Bubble Beverage is watered down.

“To begin with, I should point out that clone delivery capsules don’t, technically, have any controls or instrumentation, and I didn’t engineer the system. Blaming me for where that thing landed would be like… I don’t know, getting hit by a delivery bot and then blaming the cargo. Or… something.”

“Oh, really now?” Her smile isn’t changing in the slightest. “I still don’t see how this leaves anyone but you in a position where it’s actually possible to take responsibility for my poor, abused garden furniture. Do be a dear and offer something to actually make this up to me, instead of half-baked excuses?”

Well. This could be problematic.

“I’m not exactly your average citizen, ma’am. I happen to be a cook of no small skill, if you’ll pardon me sounding my own klaxon.” Your brain is already sifting through a list of your accomplishments – Best Line Cook fifteen months in a row at the IR mess hall, same eight in a row at the RED cafeteria, special cook for twenty-three BLUE functions and one UV breakfast meeting – but those aren’t what will be helpful here, you think. Instead, you’ll mention-

“Being angry does not make me hungry,” the smiler replies without missing a beat. “I strongly recommend that you consider your carpentry skills, assuming you are at all familiar with woodwork.”

“It’s not exactly my main job, but I’m sure if you can find me some instructions-“

“Well, that’s a shame. I guess you’ll just have to serve as an outlet for my frustration.”

Before you can even get a word in edgewise, those wretched gleaming walls are permeating the air again, boxing you and a now-floating greenhair into a narrow space that neatly excludes the towering yellow plants, but does nothing to separate you from the glare of her hovering highness.

With agonizing slowness, she swings the yellow cloth dome to point at you. “Don’t worry,” she declares with a note of amusement, “I doubt you’ll take too much permanent harm.”

You do not have time for this, and you’re not in any mood to see what happens when those glowy light bolts actually hit you. Your draw goes off without a hitch this time. Point the barrel, squeeze the trigger-

Wait, you realize, I have the good barrel installed-

And as the five-shots-left red stripe turns black (isn’t it supposed to just fade away? shouldn’t it be the six-shots-left stripe fading?), a violent crimson pillar erupts from your laser pistol. The massive beam collides with something, and the world is nothing but searing light and flickering colors and a shrieking noise that will haunt your nightmares forever.

The sound ends, the world returns to normal, and the ethereal box around you abruptly vanishes to whence it came. The red-dress slowly drifts back down to the ground, one hand cupped over her mouth… giggling?

“Well, aren’t you full of surprises?” She touches down directly in front of you. “I never thought there would be two humans with such wonderful little baubles. Perhaps I can interest you in some tea?”

==========

[]Agree wholeheartedly.
[]Agree halfheartedly.
[]Politely decline.
[]Fearfully decline.
[]Angrily decline.
>> No. 161901
The sun is still down where I am. This TOTALLY counts.
>> No. 161909
[x]Agree wholeheartedly.

When a psychotic elder youkai offers you some tea, you fucking DRINK that tea!
>> No. 161911
[x]Agree wholeheartedly.

I can't see any other alternative ending with anything but master sparks.
>> No. 161920
[x]Agree wholeheartedly.

Okay, we're on her good side, somehow. For the love of god, STAY THERE.
>> No. 161927
[x]Agree wholeheartedly.
>> No. 162004
[x]Agree wholeheartedly.

What Yuuka wants, Yuuka gets.
>> No. 162005
[x]Agree wholeheartedly.

Who is the other person?
>> No. 162014
[X]Agree wholeheartedly.
-[X]Maybe we could make her some scones or something to go with it?
>> No. 162071
I'm currently visiting my parents, well away from my computer, and shortly thereafter will be rising to try and do a comedy short for writeathon. Voting remains open if anyone else cares, and don't holds your breath.

For that matter, don't hold your breath on me ever. my reader base is tiny enough as is.
>> No. 162721
I can't justify writing this any more.

I started writing CFTG while I was out at sea on a Navy carrier. Things went well while I was deployed, because the ship was like a pressure cooker and writing was a wonderful way to release the pressure. Add in the janky ship's internet, which pretty much stopped me from wasting my time on other shit, and I was golden.

But now that writing isn't an escape from a hellish life of rotating watches in the sweltering heat of the steam plant, and I'm not hammering keys as swiftly as possible to try to meet two-hour open posting windows, I just plain can't focus on delivering words to you. Especially not when I had no real plan from the beginning and spend more time worrying about whether or not I'm directing the actions of characters properly than actually committing letters to .doc files.

It's been fun, and it actually helped me make it through the harshest six months of my life, but...

I just can't justify wasting your time with this any more.

THank you for your patience, and goodbye.
>> No. 164841
>>162721

Well, darn. Doing an archive crawl, I only see this post after three months. Sorry you feel that way, but it was fun while it lasted. Hope to see you again one day.