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138940 No. 138940
Sorry for the haphazard First attempt New writer jitters (I hope...)

Another day on your shelf, just like the others, wedged between you neighbours as you normally are, seeing all there is to see, the bookcase opposite and... the bookcase opposite. There's not been too much variety of scenery in your short life, only the bookcase in front of you, though sometimes that nice demon comes along and moves you somewhere else. Oh and the occasional...

CCCCRRRASSSSHHHH!!!

Ruckus that passes though the library every now and then, the sound of screaming fairies and cast spells rattles around you, of course you can't see it, as you haven't been able to move on your own since, well ever.

Sometimes you wish you could fly away see how far these shelves stretch, if they end at all. You can imagine it now, a world filled with wall and floors with people bustling about every which way, or a quaint village in a forest clearing as your pages tell, with a blue sky spreading out forever, you can almost see it now, a clear day with the sun shining, and fluffy clouds floating by, though you didn't expect clouds to move quite this fas-

Dooooooooooo000000000000000000OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

That.. was louder then usual, as if you were being carried off by the very cause of the noise. It then hits you, “I AM!”

“Whoa” is heard, an unfamiliar voice as whatever carrying you shakes, and you feel light, green filling the edge of your vision all you hear is a thud going though you as a black figure leaves your vision she is followed by more flying the same way, lights shining between them.

Then nothing, all black.

“Why aren't we an interesting one, entering a world of fantasies with the ability to add more”
“If you get into trouble, find Reimu , 'k. Just try to get along.”
“I'm expecting great things from you, bye!”

As vision returns you see the scene you left, only alone. As you turn your head you see nothing but the clothes on your back and a book at your side on this forest path.

“What was that voice,” you say out load, getting used to how talking and thinking work without the other happening too.

Hang on, Head, Clothes, voice... I'M A HUMAN! You think to yourself as you fly above the ground. Or not as you remember that humans don't fly, but you look like one, based on... something. Ok that’s weird you know stuff you didn't learn, like it's instinct.

Still this same thing tells you to grab the book, 'A Compilation of Fairy tales: English edition.' You would read it but you know what's inside... somehow, It's as if it was a part of you.

You don't let it concern you as you get used to this body. A close encounter with a branch confirms you are male however the nasty feeling you get from the collision can't stop you getting used to basic flight and walking. You soon get the urge to explore, again told by this unseen advisor. You fly up above the trees and see a landscape reaching into the distance.

It seems your on the edge of a forest , those people from earlier going deeper into it, a path in the other direction you see a red mansion on the other end of a large foggy plain, though you can't see through said fog right now so anything could be under there. Floating over the path with the mansion on your left you see...

In front of you a road leading up a huge mountain, not only that but a huge waterfall, and is that a building on top. You couldn't imagine trying to get up there without flying, much less getting a building there.

In front to your left, quite close by, is a village of sorts, quite small but the only one you can see. Beyond it a forest with weird skinny trees, how unusual.

In front to your right you see a craggy plain, with steam rising above it, you wonder what's over that way to cause that.

Behind you you see... nothing. Well there is more forest, but nothing of actual interest.

To the right of this (back left from you original angle), you see an area where the floor seems to be painted yellow in front of a distant river. That stream makes you feel uneasy, even from here. Might be a bad idea to go that way.

On the back left you see an unused path leading to a mountaintop, Just where would that lead?

Regardless of which direction staying still is boring and unwise so I'd better move somewhere else for now, following those people is a good place to start, though pretty much every direction tempts me one way or another, I wonder what adventures await you in this life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New writer here so point out any flaws you catch and (constructive) criticism is welcome.
Note a few things though.

1. Write-ins only: Yes you read right, this is to stop me getting tempted to rail-road more then anything, though I will sum up Anons thoughts on the situation before closing to vote, so you should get some clues on how to proceed.

2. Don't worry about bad ends. Your not human in this story and are quite durable because of it, plus spell card rules apply anyway. You would have to something completely retarded to cause a bad end (i.e. Attempt to rape Yukka or similar levels of stupidity) and I'll just force a re-vote if you do, or ignore the offending votes. One of the two.

3. The tone of the write ins effect the story as a whole. Light-hearted options mean light-hearted story and visa versa. Don't be afraid to put a few funny votes in(I like them too.)

4. Even if your vote doesn't win I may still bake it in anyway or at least acknowledge it.

5. More features will be revealed as the story continues. Anon has a very interesting and adaptable ability and I want to see what anon is capable of thinking up to complement it.

Also I tried to get rid of the sloppy 1st try but I only succeeded in killing the image, and no I didn't click file only. Thanks

>> No. 138943
You still need to proofread this.

The pacing is... unstable at best.

>You don't let it concern you as you get used to this body. A close encounter with a branch confirms you are male however the nasty feeling you get from the collision can't stop you getting used to basic flight and walking. You soon get the urge to explore, again told by this unseen advisor. You fly up above the trees and see a landscape reaching into the distance.

You're trying to do too much, too fast. This is only one example. It strikes me much as someone trying to tell a story, talking as fast as they can.

You also need to see to your basic, various spelling and grammatical errors, for example:

>“What was that voice,” you say out load,

>“Why aren't we an interesting one, entering a world of fantasies with the ability to add more”

>Hang on, Head, Clothes, voice... I'M A HUMAN!

This feels much like you typed it as fast as you could, without forethought or looking over it afterwards. If English isn't your native language, that's fine, but if it is... well, you're not showing it.

Please try again. I would recommend scrapping this whole draft, keeping the idea, and writing it again entirely, without rushing.
>> No. 138946
[X] To the top of the mountain.
>> No. 138968
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138968
OK attempt 3 , this time for sure. And if it doesn't work it's probably going to have to do, for better or for worse.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another day on your shelf, just like the others, wedged between you neighbours as you normally are, seeing all there is to see, the bookcase opposite and... the bookcase opposite. There's not been too much variety of scenery in your short life, only the bookcase in front of you, though sometimes that nice demon comes along and moves you somewhere else, or a fairy passes by attempting to dust you, often failing. Oh and the occasional...

CCCCRRRASSSSHHHH!!!

…Ruckus that passes though the library every now and then. This is a common occurrence around here, a loud crash or slam is heard causing various magical defences and alarms activate followed by the screams of panicked fay, sounds and lights then fly from all directions, along with mentions of rats, though you always thought that rats were small and sneaky not Charge-in-spells-a-blazing reckless.

The cries of fallen fairies and colliding spells rattles all around you, getting louder and louder, it soon ends up between what you would believe is the interloper and the last remaining defender. Declarations of spells fill the gaps between their respective fire in what you would guess is a magnificent duel between 2 experienced magi. Of course you can't see it, as you haven't been able to move on your own since, well ever.

Sometimes you wish you could fly away see how far these shelves stretch, if they end at all. You can imagine it now, a world filled with wall and floors with people bustling about every which way, or maybe a quaint village in a forest clearing as your pages tell, with a blue sky spreading out forever meeting with a far off horizon, you can almost see it now, a clear day with the sun shining, and fluffy clouds floating by, though you didn't expect clouds to move quite this fas-

Dooooooooooo000000000000000000OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

That was... louder then usual, as if you were being carried off by the very cause of the noise, the invader her(?)self. It then hits you, “I AM!”

“Whoa” is heard, a familiar voice yells as whatever carrying you rocks wildly, your vision shaking due to your unsteady ride.”Don't you fall off now, We're not home yet!” you chaperone states attempting to steady you with a loose hand.

Despite this you begin to feel light. Green fills the edge of your vision as your kidnapper grows more distant and the floor ever closer. You feel a thud pass though you as the black figure flies away, her haul one fewer, pursued doggedly by several others who you can't make out more spells flung between them as they fly out of sight.

“Damn Lost one!” is all you can catch sight or sound of as your vision fades, whatever magic giving you sight is giving out due to floor, your energy grows thin as you lose consciousness.

Then nothing, a Black silence broken by a voice.

“Why aren't we an interesting one” you hear
You try replying but nothing happens.
“Entering a world of fantasies with the ability to add more, and that's not even the best part!”
The mysterious voice continues interrupted by her own giggling
“If you get into trouble, find Reimu , 'k. Just try to get along, she can be a bit... pushy. But I'm expecting great things from you so Don't let me down, see ya!”

Well that was strange.

As vision returns you find yourself alone. As you turn your head every which way you find yourself on a forest path with nothing but the clothes on your back and a book at your side.

“What was that voice,” you say out load, getting used to how talking and thinking work without the other happening too, it's a little odd but you manage to get it. Remember: It's all in the mouth.

Hang on, Head, Clothes, voice I never had them before, does that mean that I'm a human now. You think to yourself as you fly above the ground try to get a good look at yourself. You quickly remember that humans don't fly and thus you are not one, but nevertheless you believe you look like one, not that you have anything to base it on.

How do you know this, you tell yourself it's instinct but aren’t sure.

Still this same thing tells you to grab the book, getting a close look at it you notice 'A Compilation of Fairy tales: English edition.' is sprawled across the front cover and spine. Though the title is clear it lacks any obvious author.

Scuffs, scrapes and the odd folded page suggest it's well used, but still in good condition otherwise.
You would read it but you already know what's inside... somehow, as if it was a part of you.

You don't let it concern you as you get used to this body. Your first few attempts at flight don't end well, a close encounter with a branch confirms you are male however the pain is more then expected. Though a painful process of trial and error you learn to fly without crashing into a tree though your landings still need a little work, as your poor head can attest too. (note to self: feet go down first!).

It's not long before you get the urge to explore, again told by this unseen advisor. You fly up above the trees and see a landscape reaching into the distance.

After being momentary stunned by the gorgeous view you realise your on the edge of a forest , those people from earlier were going deeper into it, while a path in the other direction points to a large red mansion in the distance, a large foggy plain stretching between puzzles you though, what can be underneath it? Floating over the path with the mansion positioned to your left you can see...

In front of you a road leading up a huge mountain, not only that but a huge waterfall, and is that a building on top. You couldn't imagine trying to get up there without flying, much less getting a building up there.

In front on your left, quite close by, is a village of sorts, quite small but the only one you can see from here. Beyond it a forest with weird skinny trees reaching into the sky, how unusual.

In front and to your right you see a craggy plain, with steam rising above it, you wonder what's over that way to cause that, as it doesn't seem normal for clouds to simply emerge from the ground wholesale like that.

Behind you you see... nothing. Well there is more forest, but nothing of actual interest it goes on nearly as far as you can see though so there's got to be something in there.

To the right of this (back left from you original angle), you see an area where the floor seems to be painted yellow before a distant river. That stream makes you feel uneasy, even from here. It might be a bad idea to go that way, yet you still want to at least have a look. Whether that’s smart or not is another matter.

On the back left you see an unused path leading onto a mountaintop though the clouds, Just where could that lead? From here you cannot tell.

Regardless of which direction you choose staying still is boring and unwise, so I'd better move somewhere else for now. Following those people is a good place to start, though pretty much every direction tempts me one way or another, I wonder what adventures await me in this life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the tips I’ve gone over the whole thing and fleshed things out a bit on top of fixing the pacing. Despite a creative mind I always had trouble putting it into practice, this being mostly a practice for my storytelling skills. Spelling and grammar aren't strong points of mine but I'll try to keep on top of it.

If you can't be bothered re-reading, I don't blame you but all that happened different is that you heard people's voices in the library and got a better idea of the cause of the panic.
>> No. 138969
[x] Head into the forest.

I'll give this a chance.
>> No. 138970
No. This is terrible.

Formatting is all over the place. I spot consistent fragments and improperly constructed phrases at least once per "paragraph". (And I do use the term lightly.)

The narrative is poor, if not nonexistent. You don't even seem to have a grasp of proper punctuation. Learn how to write properly and organize your ideas better, then try again.
>> No. 138974
>>138970
On second thought, what this guy said.
>> No. 138986
[x] Stop writing
-[x] Head back to fanfiction.net

I didn't even bother reading it all. If it takes you three separate attempts with positive encouragement between them to put out something of that level, it isn't worth the time.
>> No. 138988
>>138986
Well, if nothing else, at least he is putting an effort into it.
>> No. 138992
>this being mostly a practice for my storytelling skills
We don't want to watch you "practice". This site isn't your personal sketchbook, keep that shit on your Deviantart account.
>> No. 139014
It seems my writing could not keep up with my ideas. Oh well, I tried. But that's no excuse to be rude as this still took a few hours of my time to come up with plus who knows how long the thoughts on the concept have been bouncing around my head. So I pose this challenge to my detractors.

Can you do any better?

As after all is said and done, I tried. And I bet that's a lot more then most of anon can say but even that was hard putting my work in front of the world to be judged out of fear of, well this.

If there is one thing I will take away from this it's a new-found respect for the writers work. It's not as easy as it looks.

If anyone wishes to continue the concept feel free, hell I’ll even give you the general gist of what to write if you want me to, but for now goodbye, as I'm going back to lurking.
>> No. 139016
>>139014
Wow, I've never seen so many excuses for bad fanfic in a single post.

There's "well, at least I tried", followed by "well, it took hours" and the classic, self-assured "well, I don't see you writing" (as if that's actually required to discern quality).

And at the very end, there's "well, maybe someone else should write my idea" and "well, then I'm not writing anymore" in a single sentence.

All this needs is some variant "well, you're just jealous" and "well, if you don't like it you shouldn't read it" and it would be complete.
>> No. 139018
>>139014

I know you feel like this is all too harsh, and that your work doesn't deserve such browbeating, but chill out. Try to see this from our perspective - it's a new story with an inexperienced author, and there's been plenty more writers like you who have done exactly what you have here. Read some of the other stories, particularly ones that shut down in a huff like your own, and then come back. Or not. Either's okay, really.
>> No. 139019
>>139016
You misunderstand me, this is not an excuse, But a declaration of surrender. I know I have already failed, and wanted to bring to anons attention what my day long career as a writer taught me. I defended my position all the same and threw what hope I had left for the concept into the fray as a last ditch move, but I am not making excuses, only stating facts or at least that was the intention.

Oh, and before you try "He's just an attention whore!" I saged this post.
>> No. 139020
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139020
>>139014
>Can you do any better?
Almost every other writer on this site can do better. The ones who couldn't were chased off.

>I tried
And failed.

>putting my work in front of the world to be judged
If you were putting it out to be judged, why are you whining when people judge it?
>> No. 139021
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139021
This is what I wanted the story to be when I read the first few lines.


I slumber, my power and cognition locked away by an ancient magic. Left to my own thoughts for untold aeons, powerless to break the spell that binds me. Long have I given up any hope of escaping my mental prison, and instead have began participating in games of chess against my imagination.
I move the knight to G-6 and take my other self's domino. To celebrate my victory I crown the knight and he is now capable of long-range attacks against the opponent's battleship.

The rules have become somewhat fuzzy to me after all this time.

I counter my assault with a fireball from my bishop-mage, striking my king and ending the game in my favour. I flip over the chessboard in anger. What a sore loser I am. I begin putting the pieces back into place when I hear an annoying hum.
Wherever I am, there appears to be a woman that occasionally passes by. Assuredly in her late teens or a young adult given the tone of her voice, light footsteps, and penchant for off-key singing. I would command her to cease her infernal humming were I able to speak, and yet, this woman is the only thing reminding me that there is a world outside of my own head. However, being trapped here, as I am, it is but an annoyance.

I finish placing the pieces back on the board, when suddenly my imaginary world shakes, and they fall to the imaginary floor. Has that woman finally noticed me?
"Hm... I can't open it. Maybe Patchouli can figure it out?"
I hear words from the woman's mouth. What language was this? After some time, I hear another voice.
"Did you get the books I was looking for?"
A reserved, yet forceful voice. The other girl's master, perhaps?
"Well, no. But I found this! Isn't it interesting? Can you open it?"
My world violently shakes. Did that woman just throw me down!? How dare she! I hear a sigh, and notice a new sensation. This is magic. The other woman touching me must be an extremely powerful mage, for me to feel the magic flowing from her fingertips.
"This... Is not an ordinary book."
Of course it's not! Can you not tell who I am from a mere glance!?
"It's been sealed. Hm..."
I feel magic flowing into me. A bright light appears in my dark, imaginary realm.
"Just a little more, and..."
My small, fake world is enveloped.


"It's floating!" The servant speaks.
"Of course it is, you ignorant fool!"
"It's talking!"
"You certainly are talented at pointing out the obvious, aren't you, girl?" My sight returns to me. Sight of the real world. The world I've been locked away from for so long.
"How does a book speak?"



...Yeah, I'm bored now. Suffice to say it would have involved Weiss calling Koa a hussy a great deal.
>> No. 139023
>>139021
See, THAT catches the attention.
I'd vote in that story.
>> No. 139024
>>139023
I support whatever anon wrote that continuing the story.
>> No. 139027
hell yes to the 2 above statements
>> No. 139036
Fairy tales Gensokyo style is a pretty cool concept that I wouldn't mind seeing done by a competent writer.

>>139021
Proceed.
>> No. 139805
>>139021
Whoever you are, PLEASE WRITE MORE.
>> No. 139806
>>139805
>>139023
>>139024
>>139027
>>139036

I appreciate the positive reception, but I'm sure my other readers would rather I not start a new story.
>> No. 139814
>>139806
Guess the writer time, kids!
Anyway, Alice's Grimoire going Rampant is something I'd surely read.
>> No. 139817
>>139814
Anonymaster?
>> No. 139819
>>139817

You IRC lot ruin the fun.
>> No. 140363
>>139819
The Cabal always ruins everything.