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109405 No. 109405
So. Let me tell you a story. A story unlike any other. Sit down now, it'll be a long one...

It was an ordinary day. I pushed my way past a couple of gossiping women who were blocking my way into the train he just purchased a VERY EXPENSIVE ticket. Well. Now I don't have enough for my daily cheesecake, so yeah, not in the best mood. I continued down an escalator, to find my train emptying. Fortunate. I sat down in a seat. I tried to drown out the repeated sound of 'MIND. THE GAP. MIND. THE GAP.' as it finally silences as the doors close and the train starts to move off from the station and pick up speed as it heads through the tunnel. I move to the back of the train, and sit next to the emergency exit. My prefered spot. I rest my head agianst the back of the seat as the train moves through the tunnel. It becomes dark, the lights inside this particular train haven't been replaced for a while and fail to turn on as my transport enters the underground. I raise my head and open my eyes. I look up ahead and notice something odd. Something purple and glowing near the front of the train can be seen, and it's getting bigger!

"The hell...?" is what I say, as I see the front of the train vanish into the purple haze. "...I must be high or somethin.."

I rub my eyes, and look towards the front of the train again. When I see the train is still being devoured by the haze I begin to panic. I jump out of my seat, only to be choked by my hooded sweatshirt. What the hell my hood is caught in the emergencey exit handle!? I see the train suddenly emerge into daylight! But that can't be right! It's a late winter evening and wait you're supposed to be underground too. Confused and in a panic, I try to free my hood from the safety handle of the door, however in my panic I push it down and slip backwards towards the door and tumble out the back of the train. I flail about helplessly, and slam against the ground with a sickening thud.

"...ow." As I look up, the last thing I see before I black out is a large purple wall of eyes and the form of a figure in white nearby.

Later on, I wake up in a bed. I try to sit up, but am stopped by a sharp pain. I turn my head to discover that I'm in...some kind of clinic. There sitting next to me was this long, silver haired doctor type woman, waiting for me to notice her presence.

"...Hi." I went at first. "Did I die and go to heaven. Cuz...I suck at pick up lines and I'll just stop there."

"No no, you're not dead yet sadly. Shame. You had a nice pair of lungs~" The doctor says back to me, "Anyway, how do you feel sweetie?~" She holds up a clip board and clicks her pen to take notes.

"My everything hurts."

"That's perfect~ Means your everything is still working~ Don't you worry, the pain will subside as soon as Reisen pet gets here with the painkillers. And believe me you'll want alot of them~ You had quite a fall earlier sweetie. And by 'fall' I mean 'helpless tumbling, bone breaking crash'~"

After she had said that, a strange, purple haired girl in a nurse outfit and, weirdly of all, two oddly shaped rabbit ears poking out of her skull sorta stumbles in with the painkillers mentioned, along with a tray of other instruments.

"I brought the medicine you asked for, Master..." She says to the doctor, but I look over at her in disbelief myself.

"Oh thank you Reisen pet~ Could you start preparing a syringe or two with some doses? Crash here is going to need plenty~" I can't help but comment on the rabbit ears though.

"...Ears. wut."

"I know~ Don't they make her adorable?~ They go with her tail too~" A...a tail too? "Anyway Crash, I'm sure you have a long string of confused questions to ask; 'Who am I?', 'Where are you?' 'Is the cutie with the ears single?' etcetara, etcetara. So go ahead and ask away~" As the girl with rabbit ears, whom is apparently named Reisen, hears that, she looks at the doctor embarrassed.

"M-Master! My relationship status is of no concern to patients!" The good doctor chuckles at this.

"Sorry pet~" After being teased, 'Reisen-pet' whimpers a bit and goes ahead to get those syringes ready. I have other things on my mind though.

"...So. Is this some kind of crazy convention or something."

"Convention? Oh no silly~ This is my clinic~"

"...Oh. So I guess. It had to at least have been like. Ten pounds of C4 or something. To have thrown the train that far..."

"Oh no~ Your train was not involved in any kind of blast. It was hijacked by a friend of mine, for the purpose of running a celestial brat into the ground~"

"...wut?"

"Your train was hijacked using a gap in the border between your world and this land." Even though I'm more confused then ever now, I still at least recognize that the 'Reisen-pet' has come back with two syringes full of potent doses.

"Here you go, Master."

"Thank you pet~" Just then, the doc starts to slowly inject one dose into me. There's likely regulations about doing so without patient permission but that doesn't seem to matter to her...

"Ow. Oh hey. This stuff is safe isn't it?"

"Oh of course sweetie~ Trust me, I know what I'm doing here, I'm a genius~"

"...Oh thats good."

"See? Feeling better already~"

"Yeah..."

"Anyway, your train is quite fine I assure you, a celestial skull sized dent in the roof of a few cars but that's it"

"...Yeah. Oh hell. Where are my manners." I had been keeping too busy trying to figure out the situation to introduce myself, but I go ahead and fix that now. "The name's Grey. Jack Grey." I say, holding my hand out. The doctor shakes my hand with a smile.

"Dr. Yagokoro, Eirin. Call me Eirin. Genius is fine too~" Eirin then motions to Reisen, who bows gently.

"My name is Reisen Udongin Inaba. You may call me Reisen."

"Reisen is my nurse, close friend, guinea pig and occasional play thing. She's been helping me put you back together~"

"Thanks a million" I say, nodding to Reisen. "Exotic names though. Where are you two from? I'm from London myself."

"We are both Lunarian. Cannot say I have heard of this London place though."

"Hmm, London...that doesn't sound like it would be located in Japan."

"Wait. Lunarian." It took me a few moments to realize something. "Like...Lunar."

"As in the moon, yes~ And no it's not made of dairy products, we've been asked that enough as it is"

"...Okaaay..." What the hell? The moon? That's just...I've made up some weird ass stories when I was drunk. But THE MOON. I thought maybe they were snorting coke or something!

"Anyway, what else should we need to inform you about...?"

"...Where am I, besides the clinic of course."

"Ah~ To answer that, Gensokyo; Eastern Wonderland~"

Acid. Definitely. They're on acid.

"As I mentioned before, my friend hijacked your train for a moment when you fell out of the back of it. Breaking all but a few ribs~" The doctor goes on, followed by her apprentice.

"We were astonished to learn you were still alive, so we had been taking care of you up until now."

"How long have I been out...?"

"Only a day or so~"

"I see." After saying that, I take the time to stare at Reisen's ears.

"The friend in question or trainjacked you has been in my waiting room the whole time. She doesn't show it well but she feels bad for what happened to you."

I mostly ignored what the doctor was saying at this point, though. It wouldn't have been important. I know...if I pull her ear, and it pops off...I'll know they're crazy. Yeah, this is a flawless plan. It'll work for sure. Unfortunately, Eirin notices me not paying attention.

"Tug it and I will be quick to undo your ribs."

"..."

Okay so that's definitely off the table. I'll just go and explain myself, I thought.

"Yeah I. Haven't seen too many...moon rabbit people where I'm from. What were you saying Dr. Yagokoro?"

"My friend who caused your accident has been awaiting to apologise. If you like Reisen pet could send her in?~"

"Oh! Of course, Master."

Reisen goes around and to the door, opening it and letting the said guest in...but instead, she just 'gaps' in behind her, completely ignoring the door.

"Oh joy~ You're alright!~"

While Reisen is standing there rather dumbfounded for a moment, looking around in the waiting room, I started spazzing out a bit at the sight of the gap.

"SHIT. YOU SAW THAT DIDN'T YOU. OH GOD ITS COMING."

"Saw what?" The lady in the frilly dress looks behind her, but nothing is there anymore.

"T-That thing that just spat you out!"

"Oh that? That's just my way of getting myself and other things around~ But yes. Hi there sweetie~"

"I must be stoned..."

"I'm your train jacker and the one responsible for you cracking your skull open. Really sorry about that."

"...Y-yeah."

"Really, I couldn't apologise enough for your injuries. I still give your impact an 8 out of 10 though~"

"That really isn't funny."

"My apologies~"

"...What the hell are you. What are those things. Just...what the hell."

"I am Yukari Yakumo. I am a youkai with the power to manipulate the border. I am also god damn awesome." This youkai...named Yukari Yakumo. Uh huh. "Those 'things' are portals, gaps in the border I use to get around. You likely remember then before your train appeared here. I assure you there's nothing to be afraid about them~"

"...Even though you nearly killed me with them."

"Again. I am so sorry for your accident. I never intended to hurt anyone."

"Except the celestial." The doctor is quick to correct her.

"Except the celestial. I would like to try and make it up to you somehow. I owe you that much."

"..Cheesecake." That was the only I wanted at this point. It was too stupid to get around anything else. "Get me a cheesecake, and I'll forgive you."

"You've already got thr-"

"Different kind Yakumo~" Again, the doctor is quick to correct her. She must be flighty like this a lot.

"Oh I see, silly me~" Yukari spawns a small gap nearby my lap. A hand holding a dish with a nice, large slice of said cheesecake emerges from it.

"..." Cautiously, I take the cheesecake. Then I look around. For a fork probably. At this moment, I watch as the hand leaves the dish behind then appears with a fork. "...Okay. Say I buy all this nonsense. About you not being human, Ms. Yakumo. And these two are actually aliens. How come I've never heard of this place. I'm not in the know with Japan I guess. But I'd think I'd know about some aliens at least."

"Gensokyo is a place for things that people do not believe in anymore. The majority of us here are beings considered myth and legend. If enough people fail to believe in the existance of something, it can appear here."

I take a bite of the cheesecake at this point. "...Tastes normal enough...oh god its so good..." While I'm enjoying my cheesecake, Yukari takes the liberty to continue her story.

"'Myths' like chimerae, nekomata, ghosts, the acting ability of a certain Mr. Reeves, oni and other such things. All such things like those can appear here."

"Reeves? You mean that guy from the Matrix? I forget his first name."

"Aye~ Although we've seen nothing of his talent here though, so that may be the exception~ I assure you though that Gensokyo is still home to the likes of youkai like myself~"

"Youkai. Like. Demons or something."

"It's a general term here for many beings of supernatural origin. Oni, tengu, tsuchigumo, you get the idea."

"...So. What now then?"

"Well, I guess I could show you around~ Unless you'd rather I return you home once you're healthy again?"

"What else is here in this mystical fantastical happy rainbow wonderland?"

"Oh we've got the rest of Eientei here~ We got the miko's shrine, she's so much fun to pester~ There's that newer shrine too, there's the underground and Hell, the magic forest, the bamboo forest, Remi's mansion. We have many a locale here to visit here~"

"...Wait did you say Hell?"

"Ah-huh~" She sounds so...casual about it. "We have a Netherworld too~"

"...You know. It probably wouldn't shock me if you pals with the Devil or something."

"With the cutest gardener you'd ever meet~"

"...Why would you need a gardener if you're dead."

"Just because one is a ghost does not means one's eye for beauty is dead~"

"Really now..."

"Oh of course~ Yuyuko loves flowers and all that~"

"Meh. I'm on vacation right now anyway. I'll humor you and stick around."

"Oh joy~" Yukari smiles a big, happy little girl smile. Kinda unfitting. "So then sweetie, where exactly would you like to try first? Once you're all healed up of course~"

"...I'll decide that a bit later. For now though..." I say, lying back down. "Let's let my spine re-align."

"Stop by tomorrow Yakumo, he'll be ready to travel by then~" Eirin says, bidding farewell to this Yukari creature.

"Understood~ Thanks again you both for looking after him~"

"Not a problem~"

"Buh-bye now sweetie~" Yukari sinks into the floor, disappearing through another gap.

After a while had passed, I was allowed freedom, finally. Quickest recovery I ever made. Eirin told me I was free to go anywhere I pleased. But...ah, where did I go again?

[ ] You went to go see what Hell was like
[ ] You went to check out this mentioned netherworld
[ ] You went to find the shrine
[ ] You went to check out the forests
[ ] You didn't go anywhere

>> No. 109408
[x] You went to check out the forests

Start simple, I guess. With how loopy these two are acting, I'm afraid of meeting Yuyu.
>> No. 109409
[x] You went to go see what Hell was like.

I like this.
>> No. 109410
[x] You went to find the shrine

Good as start as any I'd say.
>> No. 109416
Dialogue tags? Descriptions of the scenery? Character actions? The entire second half reads like floating heads talking to each other in a featureless void.

And holy shit, less fucking tildes. Even Yukari has to end a sentence with a full stop on occasion.
>> No. 109417
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109417
Well, I don't know what ot think. I'm not even sure if I like the style or not. The only thing I'm sure is that I like the main character. He feels 'normal' Let me get back to you in 3 updates, will ya?

In the meantime, here's my vote:
[x] You went to go see what Hell was like
>> No. 109418
>>109416
Clearly we should convert this into a sprite comic using FF:T Styled Dialouge Boxes for those of us who cannot use common sense to determine who is speaking. Obviously some people are too dense to reread.

Don't let the terrorists win! Power to tildes!

tl;dr
[x] Go to the forests. Might as well get Alice out of the way quickly, and move on to other things.
>> No. 109420
Would you please pick a fucking tense? You switch between present and past more times than I care to count.
>> No. 109421
Not everyone starts out perfect, I'm sure the writer will get better as time goes on, though their name doesn't fill me with confidence...

That said

[x] You went to find the shrine
>> No. 109422
[x] You went to find the shrine
>> No. 109423
[x] You went to find the shrine

This looks like a really nice story, keep it up.
>> No. 109427
PURPLE HAZE ALL IN MY BRAIN

[~] You went to find the shrine~

TILDES
>> No. 109429
[ø] You went to check out this mentioned netherworld

oh gods, I want to meet this Yuyuko right now.
>> No. 109431
[x] You went to go see what Hell was like
>> No. 109432
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109432
Replace wut with wat and youre golden.

[ø] You went to check out this mentioned netherworld
>> No. 109433
[x] You went to go see what Hell was like
>> No. 109884
File 126325791724.jpg - (369.89KB , 640x581 , 686b2901aa71d2c7745c811df04d1fc8.jpg ) [iqdb]
109884
Time passes. I didn't know how much time had passed, but I knew it had. My eyelids slowly peel open as I awaken from a heavily drug induced slumber. Every part of me feels numb. I glance around the small room I was being kept in. Very white, just like the hospitals back home. The small, yet very comfortable bed I was laying on. A small table with a tray of who knows what medicine. A red ribbon attached to some blonde hair. Wait a second...I look straight above myself, to find Yukari's face a few inches away from mine. I couldn't think of anything to say. I blinked a few times until...

"Boo!" She shouted.

I flip over the left side of the bed, disoriented, confused, groggy, and pissed. Slamming face first into the ground.

"JESUS CHRIST. AGH MY NOSE." I exclaim, pinching the bridge of my nose. It was starting to bleed.

"Oh you silly. Oh well. You'll live I'm sure. Anyway Jackie boy, you recall our arrangements I hope? Have you decided where exactly you wish to vist?" She said, not really grasping that faceplanting onto a ceramic floor...really hurts.

"Let me stop the bleeding first." I said, as I looked around holding my nose and looking for some tissues. Yukari held a handful out to me, her hand emerging from a gap near to me. "...I'm never going to get used to that." I said, taking a tissue, ripping it in half, and plugging up my nose.

"You will eventually, don't you worry. Anyway, Eirin told me you're good to go. Where ever you go now is completely up to you Jackie boy. You can either take the red drink, see how far the rabbit hole goes and explore this eastern Wonderland in greater de-tail. Or you can take the blue drink and I'll take you back home, where you'll, probably consider this all to be a dream~" She says as she leans forward, slightly narrowing her eyes. Is she using that portal thing to keep herself floating?

"Eh. Considering the next two movies were horrible. I guess common sense would dictate me to get the hell out of here...common sense wasn't a very well enforced trait at home though. So why not I guess. Lets visit the shrine. Might as well make my peace with god now." I say, casting every rational thought, and simple logic aside.

"Righto. Just as well really, I think you would have preferred the red drink anyway. Please keep your arms and legs inside the portal at all times."

Yukari then opened up a gap directly underneath my feet, causing me to plummet into the eyeball peppered void.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii....." I cry out. Despite being told to keep my arms and legs in the portal. I desperately flail about, looking for anything to grab a hold of. All I see are eyes, and I swear I can hear somebody screaming 'HELP...MEEEEE'

Yukari had dropped me off in the hot spring behind the Shrine, my landing was rather soft however, Yukari taking care not to drop me from a huge height. There was a good reason the landing was soft. I was dropped onto a shrine maiden that worked there. She begins to recover from me presumptuously landing on top of her in the spring at that point, while she was bathing, no less. I looked around. There wasn't very much to look at...aside from the spring there was a rock with some paper tied to it. Probably something japanese related.

"Ooph...what in the..."

"...Oh hi...Yeah there's no way to make this look any better than it does with words." The shrine maiden blinked at me for a couple moments, trying to wrap her head around the situation. "...who...who are you?" She said with a bit of unease.

"Jack. Just Jack." Yukari pitches in before I have a chance to answer.

"Jack Grey. Not just jack." I say, looking over to notice that Yukari was peeking her head above the surface of the water, despite it being only a few feet deep, it's like she was submerged up to her nose.

"Afternoon by the way miko. Not interrupting anything important are we?"

"I should've known you were the cause of this. Care explaining why you dumped a random guy into my lap while I'm indecent?" The miko responded, obviously peeved.

I mouthed the words "Help me." to the miko. She simply rolled her eyes.

"Simple answer. Because I thought it would be funny. More in depth answer, Jackie here felt like giving our land a look around, and he decided visiting here would be a good idea."

"...right. Get him off me and wait inside the shrine. I'll be with you in a few moments."

Yukari picked me up off the miko's lap, using her arm from a gap in the air above, picking me up like some bizarre human crane game. She still waited in the spring with her though, completely oblivious to her request for both herself and Jack to wait in the shrine. I just headed into the shrine, like the decent, wet man I was. The miko sat there for a few more moments angrily waiting for Yukari to leave with me though.

"...GET OUT!"

"Oh please, like you don't have anything I haven't seen myself~" She responded, hopping into another gap.

A few moments later the shrine maiden walked onto the porch of the shrine where at least I was waiting, fully clothed apart from her sleeves, which she happened to be putting on as she walked in. Yukari appearing next to me a few moments later.

"Alright then, I suppose I'll humor you. Since Yukari introduced you to me already, my name is Reimu Hakurei, the priestess at this shrine. Where do you hail from?"

"London...yeah uh. Sorry about that. When I asked to come here, I didn't think...I'd get dropped into your bath...with you bathing...on top of you." I responded.

"To be honest neither did I, I admit I neglected to aim." Yukari added. I looked over at her with a 'dirty' look. I didn't believe her at all, and neither did Reimu.

"The only thing you don't neglect is your sleep. And your interest in the outside world. I suppose this man would be from there again?"

"That he is. However Jack's being here is more accidental then any of the other lucky guys I've brought here."

"Not sure if lucky is the correct word..."

"Oh pish posh, to end up in a land where first he's treated by Eirin and Udonge and then he gets to drop in on you? I'd say that's lucky so far~" Yukari argued. She was right partially, Eirin and Reisen had treated me very well. And I think for free no less. Unless I had a huge debt I had no idea of...

"Your presence means nothing but bad luck in itself." The miko quickly retorted. I could sense a good deal of tension in the room...whether it was genuine hate, or something more. I didn't know. Yukari certainly didn't act like she took anything Reimu said too seriously.

"Awww, you only say that~"

"I dunno. You almost killed me." I finally say after a somewhat awkward silence.

"I am quite aware Jackie, and I intend to make it up to you." Oh, wonderful. I have a pet name now.

"For you to commit an accident however is rather unlike you. How did this happen?" Reimu asked. The anger in her voice seemingly gone, is this concern? Or simply curiosity.

"She smacked a celestial with a train. I was on it. At least, that's what she told me." I explain.

"I was borrowing Jackie's train to beat the Tenshi brat to death with. Jackie somehow managed to fall out the back of it. While his injuries where hardly grave, I intend to do what I can to make it up to him."

"I broke all but one of my ribs. How is that hardly grave?" I say. Slightly annoyed. I mean that shit really REALLY hurt.

"Believe me, miko here has been through alot more. But to be fair, you are a normal human, so my apologies." Yukari says. Is this miko more than human? I guess its plausible, Yukari herself looks fairly human.

"...moving on. Jack. I apologize for the unfortunate accident Yukari has put you through. I assume that you'll want to return home as soon as possible?"

"Nah, not really. Life out there kinda blows."

"Hence why we are here." Yukari adds on. "Jackie felt that visiting the shrine of our most popular and well-loved miko would be a good start to his tour here."

"Well I have to warn you, Gensokyo is not like the outside world. This land has been in a stasis for hundreds of years due to it's separation from the world due to the Great Hakurei Barrier. Many youkai live here that you may not see so much in the outside world, and much of the technology you're used to living with has not caught on here."

"What technology? My room was bare cept for a fridge, and fan. I slept on the floor. I dunno so far this place has been a whole lot better than home. Aside from you know. Being dropped on people."

"I'll make note to try and stop that happening I swear~" Yukari adds on once more. As if she needed to.

"Well, so be it. Unless you intend on making a donation however, there's not much I can offer."

"Sure I guess. Where do I donate." I said. Reimu blinked for a few moments. She appeared to be a bit surprised.

"...the donation box. Out front."

I went out front. I was quite surprised. Out front the shrine looked a lot more impressive. A large red archway hung over what looked to be quite the stairway. There were several peach trees out front. Their limbs bare. I guess it wasn't quite time for them to bloom yet. I turn to the large box with slots for coins paper money and dropped 8 pounds into the donation box. Reimu and Yukari followed soon after.

"Cool do I get a blessing from god now or something?" All Reimu did though was stare back at me blankly. I meant it as a joke, she obviously didn't take well to it...

"Get out." She said with a cold dead stare. Like I was looking into the eyes of death. No I'd better not say that yet, I'll probably meet death later on.

"Now now miko that's just rude." Yukari said, putting her hands on her hips. Is she scolding Reimu? After dropping a fully grown man onto her?

"I was kidding..." I said to her. Reimu walks over to the donation box and removes the contents. She doesn't look pleased.

"That wasn't even yen, was it? Let me see that..." Reimu went over and opened the box, pulling out the bills I had dropped in. "Yukari, do you recognize this stuff?"

"They're pounds. Londoner money. Eight pounds makes about...1,187 yen." Yukari says. I have no idea if that's true though.

"...I don't think anyone here would accept pounds...would they? Yeah uh...sorry that wasn't very well thought out." I say. Honestly apologetic.

Reimu sighs as she tosses the money back to me.

"You'll have to earn your own money later. It's alright though, it can't be helped since you obviously didn't come from Japan." Reimu says. Which leads me to wonder...how the hell do I understand anything they're saying? I can't speak japanese. Well I guess Yukari is a bit understandable, she'd know english if she gets around. But that doesn't explain Reimu. I decide its better to just not ask questions.

"No worries, the thought counts I'm sure. I'll make it up to you miko, don't you worry"

"I guess at the very least I can offer some tea. I don't normally treat guests who don't donate but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt since you have to travel with Yukari." I grumble to myself a bit. Reimu's words somewhat bothering me. I HAD donated, she just didn't want what I had given the shrine.

"Oh come now I'm not TOO great to handle am I?~"

"It's a challenge keeping up with you and Suika alone. Either way, please wait at the table, I'll have some tea ready in a moment."

Reimu walked back into the shrine to get tea ready, while Yukari sat herself down, patting a seat for me next to her. I hesitantly sit next to her.

"Speaking of which, how is little Suika anyhow?"

"I've lost track of her. She's probably around here somewhere lazing about as usual."

"Who is Suika? If I may ask" Hey, I'm curious.

"An oni. An ogre if you want the closest thing to your own mythos though. She's a little party animal, like all oni she enjoys her sake and generally mash things up. Comes as no surprise she seems to be AWOL." Yukari says.

"Sounds like somebody you could have some real fun with." I say. Oh boy somebody who drinks oriental booze. I've had some of that before. Its pretty good.

"You can only imagine~"

"Really depends on your definition of fun..."

"You'd have to be a fellow oni to enjoy enjoy her company though, but during the few times she's not off her backside drunk, she's suprisingly civil."

"I dunno. Last party I went to I had a bit of fun. Everyone was shit-faced. Had a blast really."

"In that case, might be an idea to introduce you to her at some point, that Yuugi girl too perhaps~"

Reimu returns to the table, with a few handles cups of tea, and a kettle full of more tea presumably. I take a cup and thank her as does Yukari.

At that point, as if summoned, a small girl flies into the shrine suddenly as though she were thrown through the thankfully open doors from a great distance.

"Speak of the the devil~" Yukari says, sipping some tea.

"...You know that would shock me had I not been...all shocked out for the day." I say.

"It's okay. You get used to it after a while." Reimu says as well.

"Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye Yuugi!~" We all could faintly hear the shout of an older woman crying the same to her. She then sat up and turned herself around.

"Hi Raymoo. Hi Yukari. Hi ..." She froze there for a while, staring at me.

"Jack. Jack Grey."

"Hi Jack!" She says. Her face is flushed. She's drunk as hell. I can smell the liquor from here.

"We were just talking about you and Yuugi, Suika dear, I'm impressed by your timing." Yukari says.

"I bet you summoned her here with your hole things."

"Nah, me and Yuugi took turns to throw each other here." The horned child known as Suika says. "But now she's got to throw herself all the way home without me! I ama terrible friend!"

"I still wonder why I'm shocked by such things. Here, sober up Suika." Reimu says, handing a cup to Suika, she was opposing the idea at first until she put the tea in front of her face, at which point she seemed to totally forget about it.

"Never!! Screw your soberi- Oh tea! Thank you Raymoo~"

I finally took a sip of tea. Satisfied I wouldn't be startled now. Suika happily took her cup and sipped it in quite a regal manner, contrasting greatly to the fact that she was off her rocker, out-stretched pinky finger and everything. Reimu sat down and quietly sipped her own tea herself while Yukari sipped her drink and began to briefly explain me and my origins to Suika, as well as me being here.

"Wow, you broke all your ribs except one? And did he really bounce when he hit the ground?" Suika asks with an astonished face. I nod.

"More like a rag doll rebounding from being thrown at a wall I'd say." Yukari says with a slight chuckle.

"Wooooooooow." She said, wide eyed. "Jack is hardass~"

"I'm not sure if that's the specific term you're thinking of..." Reimu says back to Suika.

"Jack's badass then. He fought against gravity AND the ground! And look at him! That's a man who could kick gravity's ass!"

"What?" I say with a blank expression.

"Jack falls out the train and the ground hits him. But Jack's like 'Hahaha, no way' and he punches the ground back! Then he head butts it!"

"I lost that fight."

"...uh, yeah." Reimu says. Trying to distance herself from the conversation.

"Nah, you totally beat the crap pout of the earth. Like that one old guy I knew once, except, no offense, he was even cooler. He punched THE SUN! Jack's still cool though for beating up the ground~"

"But I didn't."

"Well Jack, if you ever need a place to stay, I'll make sure Yukari brings you to the human village. Right now it is the safest place in Gensokyo, and perhaps there you can earn some money of this currency." Reimu said, trying to get the subject off me vs the ground. Holy hell that's the first sane thing I've heard all damn day. I could go somewhere else though. I think I got some time left in the day. But the question remained...did I want to?

[ ] Take the miko's advice and look around the human village
[ ] Go and ask about this mentioned hell from earlier
[ ] The netherworld is where it's at baby
[ ] Maybe a trip back to the doctor's wouldn't hurt
[ ] Stay for a bit longer, the miko's company is nice
>> No. 109887
Son of a bitch. I refreshed the page and there wasn't a duplicate post there. And of course the password I used won't work to delete it, even though it's the same god damn one.
>> No. 109888
>>109887

tried to delete the first one instead? since when duplicate posts happen the first one can be deleted, not the second (since it'll use a random generated one)

[x] Take the miko's advice and look around the human village.

I wonder if Keine's willing to let us spend a night.
>> No. 109890
[X] Take the miko's advice and look around the human village

Best place to find lodging, work, and sane people.
>> No. 109892
Like >>109416 said, you need more description and narrative with your dialogue. Did the protagonist not even glance at Reimu in the bath? Did she not react in some way? He looked around and saw 1. the spring and 2. a rock, so where's the shrine?
>> No. 109915
>>109892

>Did the protagonist not even glance at Reimu in the bath?

He did, as implied by "not much to look at."

>Did she not react in some way?

She did, you're blind.

>He looked around and saw 1. the spring and 2. a rock, so where's the shrine?

The hot spring is behind it, as clearly said by the post.

You didn't even read it, did you?
>> No. 109920
>>109915
>She did, you're blind.
I think he was more surprised that she didn't scream, try to cover herself, make him look away, or apparently do anything other than calmly converse with some guy who fell on her head. I know it's Reimu, so she's probably used to this kind of shit, but she's not a robot.

>The hot spring is behind it, as clearly said by the post.
Does the shrine have any characteristics? Is it a short, wide building, showing signs of its age, but still well-cared for? Is it actually several separate buildings peppered around the courtyard, with trash from the last party still strewn around its halls? Is it chrome-plated and capable of transforming into a giant robot? We don't know, because it's never really described, and neither is much else: we were dropped into a bath, but we didn't hear a splash, we weren't scalded by hot water, we apparently knew to hold our breath, since we didn't breathe in water, and we must not have been uncomfortable while drenched, because it took several paragraphs for it to even be mentioned that we were wet.

Don't get me wrong; this story does have some redeeming characteristics (mostly its occasional flashes of wit and somewhat amusing characters), but it's really hard to read it when the author seems to think that every word not surrounded by quotation marks is just filler while we wait for the characters to start jawing at each other again.

Fortunately, this updates has dialogue tags and less tildes, so it looks like the author took >>109416 to heart and is capable of improvement. Keep doing and being those things, author.

[X] Take the miko's advice and look around the human village
>> No. 109921
>>109892
Criticism usually requires you to. You know read what was written. Glancing over it in like 15 seconds doesn't count. A lot more imagery in part 2. I could see more than floating heads. Jack really comes to life. Etc etc. The only thing I could really ask for is...you know. To actually have an idea of what Jack himself looks like. They'll stop giving you crap when they realise you're just going to keep posting anyway.

[x] Head to the human village.

Get a job you bum.
>> No. 109922
>>109921
>They'll stop giving you crap when they realise you're just going to keep posting anyway.

... You new here?
>> No. 109923
>>109921

No, they'd get real pissed then start sage bombing if they think your story sucks enough.

So you should try to take their advice seriously.
>> No. 109924
File 12633267801.jpg - (41.00KB , 800x568 , 124710411375.jpg ) [iqdb]
109924
>>109923
>You should take their advice seriously.
>Blue
>> No. 109942
[x] Stay for a bit longer, the miko's company is nice.
Why not ask more about Gensokyo? What she does as a shrine maiden? If it's usual for guys to fall on her lap while shes taking a bath etc etc.
>> No. 110023
[x] Go and ask about this mentioned hell from earlier