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27159 No. 27159
You are Jacob Chain, and you have balls of steel.

Your task is to play a prank on Suika Ibuki. Unwise? Certainly. Unhealthy? Undoubtedly. Hilarious? Definitely.

So here's how you play: You put your collective heads together and come up with a prank. This is not a story where you fear for your long-term survival, or bad ends. Much the opposite--you're shooting for the funniest reprisal you can get.

You get hilarious comeuppance by making the writer laugh his stupid head off at what you do to poor Suika. You won't die (permanently).

I have no idea how long this will run; until the joke stops being funny to people, probably. Hopefully our creativity and schaudenfreude will make this last for a long, long time. And with that, let us begin.

Your starting scenario:

Maybe it's overconfidence born of your successful business ventures. Maybe it's the warm sake (your own label) sitting heavily in your stomach. Maybe it's because you were dropped on your head as a child. Whatever the reason, here you are.

Suika Ibuki is arguably the strongest being in Gensokyo. Legends say she hasn't been sober for over seven hundred years. And you're about to start fucking with her.

Passed out on the steps of the Hakurei shrine, midriff exposed, she snores lightly, a trickle of booze dripping from the gourd at her side.


And go. Talk among yourselves. None of us is as stupid as all of us.
>> No. 27161
[x] Mount gourd on horn tip, watch the flailing.
>> No. 27162
>>27161
[Q] Mount gourd on horn tip, watch the flailing.

Vote changed to this.
>> No. 27163
[x] Mount gourd on horn tip, watch the flailing.
>> No. 27164
[x] Mount gourd on horn tip, watch the flailing.
>> No. 27165
[x] Mount gourd on horn tip, watch the flailing.
>> No. 27167
File 125554856038.jpg- (66.99KB , 319x480 , get a tarp.jpg ) [iqdb]
27167
>[x] Mount gourd on horn tip, watch the flailing.

Smiling with the Devil's teeth, you set about your business. She keeps that gourd on a length of chain. Carefully you steal over and lift the gourd--about as heavy as it looks--and slowly unwind the chain from around her. You even need to stealthily roll her over to move it from beneath her, sweating bullets the whole time. Finally, after a few tense moments, you've moved the entire length free.

Now you eye those long, antler-like horns on her head. One is adorned with a ribbon. Delicately you wind the chain over one side, slipping the last link down the length of the horn itself. You leave just enough slack to place the gourd on the end of the other.

Facing down, of course.

At first she doesn't stir at all. Slowly, though, the steady drip-drip-drip of sake running down her horn, through her hair, and onto her forehead rouses her.

"Ah...ah?" Mumbling incoherently she pulls herself up...and her head promptly falls to one side with a clunk.

With a yelp she scrambles over, spilling sake everywhere. The gourd wobbles this way and that, foiling her clumsy attempts to get to her feet. At this point you're barely keeping it together. She shakes her head wildly, shaking the gourd loose. It bounces this way and that as the chain unfurls from where you left it, swinging farther and farther from the oni's head with each go-round.

You have to duck the last as it reaches its full length, orbiting the little girl with its full momentum... and at last physics take their course as it snags on the opposite horn and swings around one last time, smashing her in the face.

That does it. You double over, laughing hysterically as she stumbles backwards, bobbing this way and that as she tries drunkenly to regain her balance. With a final 'whumph' she steps in a puddle of alcohol, topples over backwards, legs in the air, gourd resting soundly on top of her.

It hurts. You haven't laughed this hard since the Bloomer Immolation incident of '66. The tears flow as you gasp and cough. You still can't see when Suika hauls herself to her feet.

She takes the length of chain in both hands and begins winding up, kicking up dust around her as her gourd starts moving again.

She swings for the fences and hits you hard in the side with it. Part of you is wondering what happened as you impact a distant tree at mach one.

BONK END - FORCE A NATURE
>> No. 27188
So now what?

Were we knocked out or killed or...?
>> No. 27189
>>27188

>You won't die (permanently).

Well, then lets go on.
>> No. 27196
No update tonight. I'm working out a scenario, though. I'll add a few things here and there that can be used to spice things up. I figure something like one scenario and one bloody end per haul will work.
>> No. 27226
File 125561947042.jpg- (106.42KB , 500x468 , ow.jpg ) [iqdb]
27226
SCENARIO TWO:

Suika is sleeping on top of the shrine's gate.

At your disposal is a length of rope.

In and around the shrine are the typical items, including the guardian statues, the donation box, and so forth.

What are you going to gather from around here? Feel free to ask if you want another item and I'll make a judgement call as to whether you can find it.
>> No. 27252
>>27226

See if you can tie her horns to the bottom of the gate arch. When she falls, she'll be hanging in the air from the gate by her horns.
>> No. 27268
>>27252

Do this.
>> No. 27269
File 125565834318.jpg- (101.26KB , 333x327 , c00a85883e5bee5d7f8357862e5ba5c7.jpg ) [iqdb]
27269
lol wut
>> No. 27274
[x] Hook up her gourd to a seesaw with a weight on the far end so it tips over when full, but when it empties the weight makes the gourd go upright again, filling it. Position it so there's and infinite sake waterfall going down the steps.
[x] Get a bunch of foil-wrapped chocolate coins and take a big bite out of them. Place them around and by Suika and have the donation tilted at an omnious angle by her. Make sure Reimu sees her.
[x] Dress her up in a green chinese outfit, then yell at her for sleeping on the job.
>> No. 27276
[x] Hook up her gourd to a seesaw with a weight on the far end so it tips over when full, but when it empties the weight makes the gourd go upright again, filling it. Position it so there's and infinite sake waterfall going down the steps.
[x] Get a bunch of foil-wrapped chocolate coins and take a big bite out of them. Place them around and by Suika and have the donation tilted at an omnious angle by her. Make sure Reimu sees her.
[x] Dress her up in a green chinese outfit, then yell at her for sleeping on the job.
>> No. 27278
File 125567289614.jpg- (417.39KB , 1006x1006 , Suika rocket.jpg ) [iqdb]
27278
>>27274
>>27276
That won't work - her gourd never goes empty, remember?

[+] Tie her waist to the lower arch of the torii. Leave lots of slack between it and her.
[+] Hook her gourd to the chain hanging from her hair.
[+] Unplug gourd, light a match, and start up the Oni Sake Rocket.

Pic related.

If successful, I expect she'll go in circles around the cross-bar of the torii until the rope runs out of slack, like a tetherball, until WHAM.
>> No. 27280
All good stuff.

Re: The gourd: Infinite, but I'd be willing to say its infinite line would go up or down depending on what was being poured out. As such it'd weigh more, or less, depending on how upturned it was. That plan can work.

Narrow it down, spice it up, and get together to pitch your final plan. I'll try to make it worth your while.
>> No. 27283
>That won't work - her gourd never goes empty, remember?

Yukari's ending in IaMP explains what happens - it empties out, but when just upright again for a few moments, it fills itself back up again. Otherwise, I would've just suggested leaving it upside down instead of suggesting a dipping-bird like contraption.
>> No. 27336
I have to say, the winning vote is fairly unfunny so far. The first suggestion was probably the best, heh.
>> No. 27337
>>27252
This.
>> No. 27342
>>27336

I think he might go with the funniest one instead of a winning one.
>> No. 27344
File 125581872414.png- (39.40KB , 407x405 , motto.png ) [iqdb]
27344
>>27342
I don't know, I got a good laugh out of the donation box thing.
But yeah, selection method pictured.
Updates likely early this week.
>> No. 27372
[x] Accuse her of murdering Yukari.
>> No. 27421
>>27372
1.) Wrong thread
2.) We're trying to prove her innocence
>> No. 27445
[ ] Call for Tewi
>> No. 27462
File 125606954130.png- (110.60KB , 600x746 , 1239689116068.png ) [iqdb]
27462
>>27421
whoosh
>> No. 27498
>>27462
That image always gets me.
>> No. 27501
File 125609745763.png- (28.59KB , 156x194 , yuyu-ohnoooooo.png ) [iqdb]
27501
>>27498
>> No. 27518
Okay, so I'm a liar. Updates will happen, it's too soon for me to slow down. It's just the typical insomnia and life shenanigans. Self-sage for failure and unobtrusiveness.
>> No. 27604
File 125631181211.jpg- (15.91KB , 150x150 , asd.jpg ) [iqdb]
27604
>>27518
>> No. 27612
>>27604

Is that pic supposed to symbolize Mokou?
>> No. 27618
>>27612
Liar liar, pants on fire~
>> No. 27621
It also means that you have a Mokou in your pants though, so he's not entirely incorrect.
>> No. 27623
>>27621
I'd rather be in Mokou's pants.
>> No. 27651
Mokou's pants? Bah, I'd rather be in her panties.
>> No. 27652
>>27651

I'd like to think she doesn't wear any.
>> No. 27653
>>27652
Your ideas are interesting and seem to reflect my own. Do you possess a regularly distributed publication which I can subscribe to?
>> No. 27655
>>27652
>>27653
This is funny, because I remember somebody once theorizing that Kaguya doesn't wear any, either.
>> No. 27665
Either way, such theories deserve visual and tactile confirmation. Lots and lots of it.
>> No. 27669
>>27665

Especially tactile. We might even need to test multiple at once, just to be sure.
>> No. 27703
So yeah, typical excuses, apologies, etc.
To make up for sloth I'm going to write scenarios for all of the ideas used thus far in the thread.
>> No. 27706
>>27703
Lookin' forward to it!
>> No. 27707
My faith....is w-wavering...p-please save me...
>> No. 27743
File 125660822511.jpg- (39.60KB , 640x480 , TheDoc.jpg ) [iqdb]
27743
I'm using every ounce of SCIENTIFIC knowledge to kill this.
>> No. 27744
File 12566082588.jpg- (27.66KB , 300x300 , 1248724184745.jpg ) [iqdb]
27744
Keep up the work, Doc.
>> No. 27830
File 125682462939.jpg- (308.56KB , 858x1200 , startedsavingsuikapics.jpg ) [iqdb]
27830
>>27743
IT'S RIGHT HERE WHAT ARE YOU BLIND?
JUST TAKE A SLICE

>[x] See if you can tie her horns to the bottom of the gate arch. When she falls, she'll be hanging in the air from the gate by her horns.

It takes a little doing, but after a hefty donation, the shrine maiden is willing to part ways with some ornate rope kicking around in her storehouse. Isn't this supposed to be sacred? ...Oh well, it's for a good cause. Sort of.

Scaling the gate isn't too hard--you've done a little mountain climbing in the free time your wealth has provided you. Once on the top, you pull the rope back up after you, leaving it lassoed to one side of the gate. Now, to business.

Carefully you creep past the drunken oni and tie the rope to the other side. Still plenty of slack--perfect.

You nearly jump out of your skin when you feel a tug on the back of your leg. Suika's awake.

"Whatteryu...whashgoinonn?" she mumbles thickly.

Thinking quickly, you press her gourd into her hands. "You need another drink."

"Eh? Never say no to a..." she doesn't even finish the sentence before the gourd is to her lips (with a little assistance from you.) After a long pull (does she even breathe?) her eyes droop and her head sinks back down. Whew.

Okay. Tying loops around her horns is nervous work, but the last drink put her out again. Carefully you snug them on, giving them each a second loop just in case, knot them, and then, bit by bit, remove most of the slack on one side and then the other.

Now the hard part. Climbing back down without your rope. It's hard and perilous, and takes the better part of an hour, but finally, you reach the bottom again.

Now to start throwing shit at her until she wakes up.

Rocks!

Miss, miss, hit! ...She's not moving. Goddammit she's a heavy sleeper.

Broom!

It flies end over end and clocks her square in the face. She snorts and rolls over with the bristles in her face. ...She mumbles and flails a bit, this could be it--

...dammit! She just pushed it off and it fell over the side.

Cooking pot!

You actually throw a little to the left, but when it hits the gate it makes a resounding clang. Suika yelps and starts awake hollering something about beans. After a second she gets her bearings. Squinting, she looks around wildly, murder in her eyes.

"Who threw that? Who threw that?!"

She locks eyes with you. You wave.

With a roar she leaps from the top of the gate like an animal. Her predator's lunge falls short, however, when the rope runs out of slack a quarter of the way down. Her head snaps back and cuts her howl off sharply and she swings like a teru teru bouzu.

You laugh your fool head off at her helpless flailing.

...Until, that is, she strains her neck muscles as hard as she can and rips the gate out of the ground. As she falls she wheels the whole thing around like a reverse swingset and brings it down on your head.

SMOOTH AND FLAT END - TERU TERU BOZO
>> No. 27831
File 125682466371.jpg- (128.15KB , 487x372 , BestMovieEver.jpg ) [iqdb]
27831
>[x] Hook up her gourd to a seesaw with a weight on the far end so it tips over when full, but when it empties the weight makes the gourd go upright again, filling it. Position it so there's and infinite sake waterfall going down the steps.

You admit to yourself this one's mostly for fun. "Infinite gourd of sake" has so many possibilities. It takes some palling up to Suika and several hundred thousand of your vast fortune in booze to put her out, but between your stock and her own she's down for the count. Carefully you slip the chain off her wrist and pull the gourd free.

You stashed the seesaw here in the shed a while ago--the miko apparently never goes in there. Hauling it out and setting it in front of the long stair, you square it just so and then make what might be the most literal 'drinking bird' toy ever construed.

"What the hell are you doing?" A sharp, critical voice from behind makes you jump. It's the Hakurei!

Arms folded, waiting for an answer, you decide the best way out of this is to pull a James Garner.

"Look! Money!" You toss a wad of bills onto the ground. She eyes it, and you.

"I know you. You're that Chain guy, right? The sake magnate? What are you doing around here?"

"...Messing with Suika."

"...Why?"

"Because it's funny."

So it wasn't a prank, but a partnership is born. You pay the miko, she lets you do your dirty work. And maybe she'll even get in on a few of these...


Two down, three more to go. Heading to class now. If things go well* I'll have both this and my other story updated by the end of the weekend. Just wanted to post what I had to show you I'm not dead, I don't want to go on the cart, etc.

*Things never go well.
>> No. 27832
Yay!
>> No. 27833
Nice update.
I wonder if our MC is inmortal or anything...
>> No. 27834
>>27833
You wake up in the Mortuary...
>> No. 27836
File 125683531916.png- (119.98KB , 280x268 , MortePNG.png ) [iqdb]
27836
How many times must this fool die?
>> No. 27837
Great updates! Can't wait to see more of them.
>> No. 28145
You know, it would be better if we could actually mess with Sukia instead of waiting weeks.

Or are you using it as an excuse to say that we're 'regenerating' from our last death?
>> No. 28268
Well, this didn't last very long, did it?

It was an amusing idea though. Too bad.
>> No. 28820
>>28145
Sure, let's go with that.
>>28268
Not done yet. Just typical writer delays from school/life/etc. Just about out of the worst of it, though, I swear. Just a term paper and some finals to go now.


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