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30496 No. 30496
Day 0: night

Today was a rough day at your dead end job as after you took a shower and ate, you surfed the net.

But you were too tired to even do that for long as you feel asleep wishing to for something different.

---

You noticed you're rather lucid in a dream... where you're in a house with a tea set. You figured to sit down and see who you're having tea with. You end up speaking to yourself, "Yeah it'd be real awesome if it was lovely young woman."

"Oh I hope I count" a woman said with a mock hurt expression as she enters. She most certainly does... you notice her blonde hair under a hat, umbrella being held by her gloved hands, purple dress which seems quite tight around a practically flawless figure... and the gap.

WHOA It's Yukari! Being a Touhou fan, you recognize her... you wonder if this could be a sexy dream. Sure you do prefer the EoSD cast, but a Yukarin is more than fine too.

Yukari must have noticed something as she says "Sorry I'm not quite part of the dream. But I would like to make you an offer"

"Offer of what?" You ask courious as you start to think that you're in that Matrix movie."

"A new start in Gensokyo... in an area that should interest you greatly. But don't assume it'll be easy, since the way things are, a wrong move can be disastrous for a mere human. And all I'd ask for is that you shake up the status quot there. Play your cards right, and your... sexy dreams become sexy realities. After all, there's no gain without risk." She asks rather cheerfully.

She then adds "I should ask if you have anymore questions, since if I don't, chances are you'd do something stupid, get killed, and deal with an angry Reimu. You have no idea how badly those needles hurt. Maybe I should show you the marks I got" with the last sentence with a playful smirk.

"Nah; it wouldn't do to arrive there with a wet woody! But in the case that you accept and survive long enough to run into me again..." She says in a sultry yet devious fashion.

You really do think this is the real Yukari... since if it was just a dream, you'd be having sexy good times.

[ ] Write in any reasonable questions and/or remarks. (No risk of Bad End here, but will affect Yukari's opinion of you.)

>> No. 30497
[♫] "On the off chance that this is a dream, would you like to have sexy good times?"
>> No. 30498
[x]"I reserve my right to shamelessly flirt. Onward!
>> No. 30499
[x]"I reserve my right to shamelessly flirt. Onward
>> No. 30500
[x] "Well, since you're not asking me any questions, I'll have to assume either the details don't matter or you've already done your research."
[x] "And, since there is about a million percent chance that if I ask about your end goals I'll end up with bullshit being shoveled down my throat--goals which frankly I'm not really all that interested in--I'll cut to the chase, ask a few things, then we can get this show on the road."
- [x] "Right off I'll tell you that I'll be acting under the assumption your intent is nothing more than to release a random element into a stagnant environment--someone to 'stir the pot' so to speak. Therefore, mysterious notes, clues, and objects? I won't be paying much attention to that kind of thing, so don't waste your time."
- [x] "Now what exactly are you offering me here? I mean besides the 'adventure', the pretty girls who would sooner strip the meat off my bones before they bared an inch of skin, and the more immediate threat of death? Because if that's all I was missing, I'd have joined the French Foreign Legion a long time ago. Hell, at least I'd get paid doing that. And they let you shoot things too!"
- [x] "On that note, I'll want protection, and I don't mean the contraceptive kind. You have access to military hardware, right?"
- [x] "New threads too. A nice heavy pair of steel-toe boots for one. I have a nice field coat and pair of canvas slacks--wait, what season is it in that hemisphere? Maybe I'll just rack it up on my credit card? It's not like I'll be around to pay it back."
- [x] "Oh but I'll want a way out. Just in case things get too hairy and the situation calls for a temporary retreat. I have no strong attachment to this place, but I do have a strong attachment to being alive, so I can foresee necessary strategic retreats on the horizon."
[x] "More than any of the specifics, in the insincere spirit of egalitarianism, I want to say it'll be a pleasure to be working with you, for you, or whatever, Miss Yakumo." Extend your hand.

These are not demands, because she'll gap you there whether you want her to or not.
>> No. 30503
[x] "Well, since you're not asking me any questions, I'll have to assume either the details don't matter or you've already done your research."
[x] "And, since there is about a million percent chance that if I ask about your end goals I'll end up with bullshit being shoveled down my throat--goals which frankly I'm not really all that interested in--I'll cut to the chase, ask a few things, then we can get this show on the road."
- [x] "Right off I'll tell you that I'll be acting under the assumption your intent is nothing more than to release a random element into a stagnant environment--someone to 'stir the pot' so to speak. Therefore, mysterious notes, clues, and objects? I won't be paying much attention to that kind of thing, so don't waste your time."
- [x] "Now what exactly are you offering me here? I mean besides the 'adventure', the pretty girls who would sooner strip the meat off my bones before they bared an inch of skin, and the more immediate threat of death? Because if that's all I was missing, I'd have joined the French Foreign Legion a long time ago. Hell, at least I'd get paid doing that. And they let you shoot things too!"
- [x] "On that note, I'll want protection, and I don't mean the contraceptive kind. You have access to military hardware, right?"
- [x] "New threads too. A nice heavy pair of steel-toe boots for one. I have a nice field coat and pair of canvas slacks--wait, what season is it in that hemisphere? Maybe I'll just rack it up on my credit card? It's not like I'll be around to pay it back."
- [x] "Oh but I'll want a way out. Just in case things get too hairy and the situation calls for a temporary retreat. I have no strong attachment to this place, but I do have a strong attachment to being alive, so I can foresee necessary strategic retreats on the horizon."
[x] "More than any of the specifics, in the insincere spirit of egalitarianism, I want to say it'll be a pleasure to be working with you, for you, or whatever, Miss Yakumo." Extend your hand.
>> No. 30507
[x] Thanks to the internet fandom i know what could happen to random outsiders who appear in Gensokyo, so i demand protection, like my own shikigami, if possible a bat one because i like vampires!
[x] Also, could i bring a regular camera and a videocamera? if this is not a dream i want to save everything i see for the sake of my sanity.
>> No. 30508
[x] "Well, since you're not asking me any questions, I'll have to assume either the details don't matter or you've already done your research."
[x] "And, since there is about a million percent chance that if I ask about your end goals I'll end up with bullshit being shoveled down my throat--goals which frankly I'm not really all that interested in--I'll cut to the chase, ask a few things, then we can get this show on the road."
- [x] "Right off I'll tell you that I'll be acting under the assumption your intent is nothing more than to release a random element into a stagnant environment--someone to 'stir the pot' so to speak. Therefore, mysterious notes, clues, and objects? I won't be paying much attention to that kind of thing, so don't waste your time."
- [x] "Now what exactly are you offering me here? I mean besides the 'adventure', the pretty girls who would sooner strip the meat off my bones before they bared an inch of skin, and the more immediate threat of death? Because if that's all I was missing, I'd have joined the French Foreign Legion a long time ago. Hell, at least I'd get paid doing that. And they let you shoot things too!"
- [x] "On that note, I'll want protection, and I don't mean the contraceptive kind. You have access to military hardware, right?"
- [x] "New threads too. A nice heavy pair of steel-toe boots for one. I have a nice field coat and pair of canvas slacks--wait, what season is it in that hemisphere? Maybe I'll just rack it up on my credit card? It's not like I'll be around to pay it back."
- [x] "Oh but I'll want a way out. Just in case things get too hairy and the situation calls for a temporary retreat. I have no strong attachment to this place, but I do have a strong attachment to being alive, so I can foresee necessary strategic retreats on the horizon."
[x] "More than any of the specifics, in the insincere spirit of egalitarianism, I want to say it'll be a pleasure to be working with you, for you, or whatever, Miss Yakumo." Extend your hand.
>> No. 30509
[x] "Well, since you're not asking me any questions, I'll have to assume either the details don't matter or you've already done your research."
[x] "And, since there is about a million percent chance that if I ask about your end goals I'll end up with bullshit being shoveled down my throat--goals which frankly I'm not really all that interested in--I'll cut to the chase, ask a few things, then we can get this show on the road."
- [x] "Right off I'll tell you that I'll be acting under the assumption your intent is nothing more than to release a random element into a stagnant environment--someone to 'stir the pot' so to speak. Therefore, mysterious notes, clues, and objects? I won't be paying much attention to that kind of thing, so don't waste your time."
- [x] "Now what exactly are you offering me here? I mean besides the 'adventure', the pretty girls who would sooner strip the meat off my bones before they bared an inch of skin, and the more immediate threat of death? Because if that's all I was missing, I'd have joined the French Foreign Legion a long time ago. Hell, at least I'd get paid doing that. And they let you shoot things too!"
- [x] "On that note, I'll want protection, and I don't mean the contraceptive kind. You have access to military hardware, right?"
- [x] "New threads too. A nice heavy pair of steel-toe boots for one. I have a nice field coat and pair of canvas slacks--wait, what season is it in that hemisphere? Maybe I'll just rack it up on my credit card? It's not like I'll be around to pay it back."
- [x] "Oh but I'll want a way out. Just in case things get too hairy and the situation calls for a temporary retreat. I have no strong attachment to this place, but I do have a strong attachment to being alive, so I can foresee necessary strategic retreats on the horizon."
[x] "More than any of the specifics, in the insincere spirit of egalitarianism, I want to say it'll be a pleasure to be working with you, for you, or whatever, Miss Yakumo." Extend your hand.

In b4 she gaps us halfway through our monologue.
>> No. 30510
You proceed to ask her some questions (Author's note some may be reworded to keep Anon in character; since he's a fan of the EoSD cast)

First you say "Well, since you're not asking me any questions, I'll have to assume either the details don't matter or you've already done your research."

Yukari smirks as she replies, "Yes I have, since I certainly wouldn't want to send a Eintei fan to the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

You also say "And, since there is about a million percent chance that if I ask about your end goals I'll end up with bullshit being shoveled down my throat--goals which frankly I'm not really all that interested in--I'll cut to the chase, ask a few things, then we can get this show on the road."

Yukari has a bit of a sad face (you have a bit of hard time believing it) as she says, "I'm hurt... but I guess it's understandable. Go on."

You then ask "Right off, I'll tell you that I'll be acting under the assumption your intent is nothing more than to release a random element into a stagnant environment--someone to 'stir the pot' so to speak. Therefore, mysterious notes, clues, and objects? I won't be paying much attention to that kind of thing, so don't waste your time."

Yukari smiles as she replies, "Somewhat, but I'm actually hoping that you might help them out. I do good deeds once in a while. That and it might actually get Remi to cool down about what happened with the imperishable night incident; basically I rigged things so my team was the best. She wasn't that amused at all. But I'll say a few things; first audacity may pay off big. Second you should keep this question in mind: 'Just what is humanity exactly?' And in Gensokyo, the notion of friend with benefits is kinda wide spread. Any more questions?" She says the last sentence with a flirty tone.

You then question "Now what exactly are you offering me here? I mean besides the 'adventure', Are you sure they'd take to me kindly? Since while I hope they'd be nice, but there's a risk"

"They're not bad people who'd kill without reason, and Remilia loves to have something new happen. As long as you keep your head about you, you won't lose it. The offer is a chance to endear your self to one or more of the residents of your favorite mansion. Who knows you might grow stronger and/or 'get to know' more than one girl, but please not like that kid that ended up on the boat that was nice."

"On that note, I'll want protection, and I don't mean the contraceptive kind. You have access to military hardware or shikigami, right?" You then ask.

"Not really and I doubt you want to be seen packing a weapon, since that maid is very quick to kill a threat. Being a normal human is a favorable aspect. Your best defense is not doing anything stupid after all. That and a normal human can't really use much of a familar, so that's a dead end. And you don't need to worry about protection once you've endeared yourself to the folks at the mansion. Remilia is very protective of her servants and such. You shouldn't be so scared, it's not like it's Yuka you'd be dealing with; now she would kill you without much provocation." She answers

You then say, "New threads too. A nice heavy pair of steel-toe boots for one. I have a nice field coat and pair of canvas slacks--wait, what season is it in that hemisphere? Maybe I'll just rack it up on my credit card? It's not like I'll be around to pay it back."

"Well I can easily get you some clothes and I was thinking of getting you some Belmont style clothes, just for irony, but I wouldn't think about running up that credit card, not until you're sure that you're leaving this life behind for good. But I'll bring your belongings here, including your games, since I'll tell you that Remilia and I think that gateguard have taken up video games. Despite being a vampire she is awake during the day a decent deal." She answers.

You then add, "Oh but I'll want a way out. Just in case things get too hairy and the situation calls for a temporary retreat. I have no strong attachment to this place, but I do have a strong attachment to being alive, so I can foresee necessary strategic retreats on the horizon."

She remarks, "I seen that coming, Well you can always try to call me, but I wouldn't be too quick to do that, since for all we know by the time I get around to answering your request, you'd be making merry with one of the girls. But depending on who you befriend, you can lay low with them as well."


"Also, could i bring a regular camera and a videocamera? if this is not a dream i want to save everything i see for the sake of my sanity." You ask.

She then answers, "It'll be along your belongings, but don't use it like that perverted Tengu. And you'll find things less and less crazy as you spend time in Gensokyo, though you'd end up a bit less sane, even that green haired shrine maiden's a bit quirky now." with a chuckle.

"More than any of the specifics, in the insincere spirit of egalitarianism, I want to say it'll be a pleasure to be working with you, for you, or whatever, Miss Yakumo." You say as you extend your hand.

She shakes it as you notice how soft her gloved hand feels... you then begin to wonder how it'd feel around a certain part of your body.

"Any last remarks?" She asks.

You have a smirk as you say "I reserve my right to flirt.... and on the off chance this is a dream, would you like to have sexy good times?" thinking, why not, she's in a good mood so even at worse you'd get a laugh.

She starts laughing as she says "You certainly are a bold one... I'll make myself clear, the offer and me are very real.... I'm just poking around in your dream. But I'm impressed by the sheer audacity you showed. I guess I could do you a favor... but only limited to my hands, feet, or breasts. You should be honored I'm even offering these options. So which one will it be, naughty boy?"

You're stunned that this has happened since if it was just a dream she'd throw herself at you. Needless to say your flesh was not weak at that moment.

Choose one only.
[ ] "Your gloved hands would be great"
[ ] "A footjob sounds interesting"
[ ] "Your lovely full breasts"
>> No. 30511
[x] "Your lovely full breasts"

There are other options?
>> No. 30512
No just those three; Yukarin isn't that easy, even with a ballzy pick up line like that. Heck, that Hakugyokuro LA didn't have its first H-scene until the 2nd night.

And if you wonder what the title refers to, you'll see.

I'll just say this in regards to Flan, the points you earn for the most part are in regards to her sistery regard to you, and how calm she is.
>> No. 30513
[x] J-j-j-jam it in
>> No. 30514
No offense but that isn't a viable (or smart idea); but when I do my next update it will be referenced. (Note for first time readers of such things; read the whole thing before a vote)
>> No. 30515
[x] "Your lovely full breasts"
>> No. 30516
[X] "Your lovely full breasts"

Eh, I'll bite.
>> No. 30517
>"Oh I hope I count"
>WHOA It's Yukari!
>"Sorry I'm not quite part of the dream. But I would like to make you an offer"

Yep, ain't reading this piece of shit.
>> No. 30518
I know it's work in progress but you could have brought it nicer. And the main reason why she's doing this so nicely is so Reimu can't blame her if something goes wrong. And sometimes all those 'old hag' remarks can get to someone.

please if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it.
>> No. 30519
>please if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it.

Hilarity.

It seems you're not familiar with anon.

I'll begin the countdown to the shitstorm right here.

Unless you're an elaborate troll, I mean, who puts their email in, really?
>> No. 30520
>>30518
>please if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it.
Hahahahaha


>I know it's work in progress but you could have brought it nicer.
How's this, then? This just screams "masturbatory self-insertion fanfic lemon". I mean really, Yukari suddenly drops in on some guy, tells him he can go into Gensokyo and flirt with girls, and even offers her breasts?
>> No. 30521
>>30518

>please if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it.

>telling Anonymous not to do something

It was nice knowing you :/
>> No. 30522
ReijiTabibito, is that you?
>> No. 30523
It's Yukari, she's doing something for the lulz, but in a nicer manner so that Reimu doesn't get pissed in the case the guy does something stupid and gets himself killed.

And she was impressed by the fact he spouts such a line to someone who if she wanted could easily gap things so he'd be fucking himself in the ass. (And if she was in a bad mood that's what would exactly happen)

And to be honest if not for that Mystia's suggestion (and how it'd be something this particular Anon MC would say), I wouldn't have had any plans on such a scene.
>> No. 30524
Well if nothing else happens I'll proceed with the update (did a bit of salvaging of the slight mess up I did)

No I'm not another poster if that question was posed towards me.

"I know it's work in progress but you could have brought it nicer. And the main reason why she's doing this so nicely is so Reimu can't blame her if something goes wrong. And sometimes all those 'old hag' remarks can get to someone."
>> No. 30525
>>30524

Learn to grammar before you update, then - ask someone to proofread, and whatnot. Right now, it's a bit painful to read.
>> No. 30526
(Author's note: I think I might have given off the wrong impression with the last scene that I mainly did as fanservice; that and once the tale starts proper, it'll be a few days at the absolute least before anything like this happens again to the guy)

[X] "Your lovely full breasts"

You say as calm as you can, "Your Lovely full breasts"

"Nice choice, but you should realize this isn't because just that line or your 'manly charm' alone. The reasons are that I'm in a good naughty mood, I want to prove I know men better than say Ran or Komachi, a bit of it is the fact you kept your composure around me. Most other candidates for my offer passed out due to fear. This means also that if you really want anything more, you really have to become more of a man, and that's if such a mood comes over me again." Yukari explains.

You actually pondered just taking her and jamming it in, but you realize she'd just find a horrible way to kill you. And regardless you don't want to die so soon, not to something stupid.

Yukari comes to you as she says "Well then, strip the top off of me" in a commanding fashion.

You steady yourself, kind of expecting this as you try to figure out where to undo her purple dress. You then find the laces that tie it together as you untie enough to slip her top of the dress down past her chest, where you find she isn't wearing a bra at all.

"Why did you stop?" She asked in the same tone.

You answer calmly "Because you only ordered the top stripped off not the whole dress." You also notice despite their size, her breasts only have a hint of sag. Those fan artists could not do her justice.

Yukari smirks as she says "Good boy, you should remember to obey commands, since I'm not the only commanding lady in Gensokyo. Now GENTLY message my chest."

You're reminded that this is THE Yukari Yakumo you're dealing with. And you know well enough to do as she says lest she gaps a rabid hamster in places you don't want one to be.

As you touch them, you find out they're quite soft... and sensitive judging by her moans. You proceed to press your fingers a bit deeper as you feel them and play with her nipples. You could only presume that those infamous old hag remarks got to her.

After a short bit she commanded "Stop; Now for us to finish this task up. You have a trip coming up and I have Ran's waffles to wake up to." as she proceeded to unzip your pants and take out your manhood. She looks it over as she remarks; "I'd thought they'd be bigger" about your balls.

She then put her sizable breasts around your manhood as she remarks, "Try to last more than a minute" As she then started.

You had a notion of what it'd feel like just from feeling her breasts what it'd be like, but it's nothing compared to the real thing. You decided to put all your focus on lasting. You suspect during a less intense moment that only a succubus could outdo her. A time after I decided to take a look, and the sight of her basically (wo)manhandling her chest with her still gloves hands shot what left of your focus to hell. "I'm about to" you utter as you come and blank out for a bit.

When you regain your senses in the dream world, you see you're both dressed and Yukari with a smirk as she adds, "Hope you liked that, since no one in Gensokyo is remotely that easy at all. But back on the task I've placed a few cubes on the table, each one presents an entry path, and thus who'd you'll meet first."

You decide to get it out of the way, figuring she'd want to hear it. "That was... awesome, only second to a succubus. Thanks." as you look at the cubes... there were 5... Each with symbols you recognize.

Yukari replies, "As you should be, if you want to hear what happened to some not so lucky folks, you can talk to Reimu. Choose carefully now, since some are easier than others."

Choose one
[ ]Cube with Wings and spear
[ ]Cube with Clock and Knife
[ ]Cube with a round Chinese meat bun on it.
[ ]Cube with Crescent moon and book
[ ]Cube with a book with small wings
>> No. 30527
The fact that this story hasn't been saged into oblivion worries me. Learn how to write and how to act on a board mainly populated by 4channers.

Seriously where the fuck are these people coming from? This is the third new writefag in two weeks or so that doesn't know how to blend in.
>> No. 30528
...

what

WHAT
>> No. 30529
[X] Cube with grammar book on it.
>> No. 30530
>>30527
>The fact that this story hasn't been saged into oblivion worries me
Sage bombing is retarded. Even against this retarded walfas fan. Two wrongs don't make a right and all.



Seriously OP, this is terrible and you should stop.
>> No. 30531
What the fuck is this shit

I just

I

I can't

FUCK
>> No. 30532
File 124796917898.jpg - (180.58KB , 1044x504 , completelyunacceptable.jpg ) [iqdb]
30532
this is more painful than saguya's story
>> No. 30533
>>30529

You know what, that last one was uncalled for. So, I'll say something productive.

You see that first post in /th/? The one that's stickied, and has the info for the IRC channel? Read it, and go to that channel. They will help explain why everyone's pissed at you.
>> No. 30534
How the fuck could you look at this and think it was a good idea to post it? My mind boggles.
>> No. 30535
File 124796955438.gif - (651.60KB , 450x120 , 1244884459391.gif ) [iqdb]
30535
>> No. 30536
I guess that last bit was terrible.... I'm sorry for that last bit; I think I'll strike it from the story list... and for those who have grammar issues, I'm actually getting some grammer-good folks to relook things over.

So redo everything from that question choice?

Since the actual story itself is better than the intro.... I apologize again for the utterly pointless fanservice.
>> No. 30537
File 124796994860.jpg - (484.66KB , 878x1102 , 1209188331011.jpg ) [iqdb]
30537
>>30536
>> No. 30538
>>30536

Your story is only half the problem. The fact that you posted THIS:

>please if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it.

Is a huge red flag to us. Your attitude is NOT what is needed of a writefag.
>> No. 30539
>>30536
>Since the actual story itself is better than the intro
>> No. 30540
I apologize for that statement as well... since he was right in the end.

I'm in fact trying to have the question looked over before I rework the last bit.

And I know the intro as is one the weak side, but I thought a variation of Yukari asking someone for once as opposed to just gapping them out of the blue would be better, and in character if she's doing so just to reduce the chances of Reimu getting upset about it.

I know the fanservice part was a TERRIBLE idea. As I think more and more on the matter the more awful it seems.

And I'm not trying to rip off HY's story; it might be partially inspired by it, but it takes the castlevania related things in a different direction. If you're offended, HY, I'm terribly sorry; It wasn't my intent to go about shameless ripping off your story.
>> No. 30541
File 124797197373.png - (70.35KB , 1280x666 , 1209630792152.png ) [iqdb]
30541
>>30540
>> No. 30542
Speaking of HY's story, where the hell is he?
>> No. 30543
This is bad and you should feel bad.
>> No. 30544
Yes I know the intro jumped the shark... that's why I'm trying to rework it from the point where it started going to crap, and get it back on track.

Again I apologize for both my previous attitude and how terrible the shark jump was.
>> No. 30545
File 124797305977.jpg - (91.24KB , 536x475 , 1219612813159.jpg ) [iqdb]
30545
>>30544
>> No. 30546
>>30544

Okay, seriously? Just start over.
Get a new trip and come up with a new intro that'll still fit what you have planned.
No one will know the difference.
>> No. 30547
>>30546
>No one will know the difference.
hahahaha

>new trip
FrozenTuna. No trip.
>> No. 30548
>No one will know the difference.
>hahahaha

You'd be surprised.
>> No. 30549
May I ask what more i could do to redeem myself in everyone's eyes?

I will not include that awful fanservice

I will improve the grammar in the passages.

And I apologize deeply to all the Anon's I've offended with my statement.

I'm even reconsidering the intro as it is so it's not so drawn out.

And the title as well (Since I believe it's what might have offended Hungry Youkai in the first place)

I'm truly sorry for my offenses.
>> No. 30551
>>30548
I believe you were mentioned in the krisslanza thread as someone who started as shit and redeemed himself. I'm guessing that's what you're referring to. I know you have at least the story on /shrine/, but what did you write before that was considered shit?

I don't think FrozenTuna will be able to redeem himself because he doesn't seem to understand what people are complaining about. I mean really, he just apologized to HY for the title of the story.
>> No. 30552
From what I gathered, it was the fanservice scene, the bad grammar, most likely the intro (content and quality) and title.

I've found some folks to look over things and assist me in grammar and characterization. They've given me some advice on how to go about things in the future.

And thinking on it, I think the seeming cube select system might have come a bit too close to his story; if so I'd apologize for that as well.

It's most likely the implication of the story being a sex fest. (though it was more Yukari giving the guy incentive) as well that offended HY.

It's most likely the Belmont references and day numbering as well, but that's just for reference; my Anon wouldn't be a Belmonous. This story was inspired by his, but by no means a thin rip off.

Pictures with characters saying Penis isn't exactly helpful, though it does help drive in the point that I've screwed up.

And I know I acted uppity with Anon and regret and apologize for it.

But as far as I can tell it was doing well until the questions part, which due to the bad grammer and the fanservice, and probable offenses against HY, jumped the shark. I'm currently rethinking the introduction part and title.
>> No. 30553
>>30552

Have you ever heard the phrase "Lurk before you leap?" Do that. a lot.
>> No. 30554
I've heard of it, and I've read a few tales on here. In fact I'd read more tales if so many of them weren't incomplete.

I suspect a major mistake was having Hakugyokuro LA on my mind.... caused me to do the intro too fast and loose.

But as I said early there wasn't any real problem until I got to the questions part.

Well I was looking for a nice Reisen or Eirin route story anyways. Though I try not to look too hard at other stories lest I'm too inspired by them.

And my original intent of this particular intro was to poke fun at the "Dammit, Yukari!" type intros by actually having her ask Anon if he wants to go, just for the sheer reason if he accepts, she can't be blamed for what he does.

She also does so in an attempt to do a good deed and amuse herself.

HY's story did inspire me, but in a different direction than his very well done story. Though I do wonder what he has to say about it exactly.

But I went off track, reacted wrong...

I'm still thinking of trying to go with the intro that's in motion (but fixed as much as possible) or just rethinking a new one.
>> No. 30555
>>30554

This is one from the old days, but it's as good as ever.

Lurk more.
>> No. 30556
File 124798373310.jpg - (6.63KB , 103x123 , 1240530790592.jpg ) [iqdb]
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>> No. 30559
Stop writing. Now, if not sooner.
>> No. 30561
I am not annoyed or offended at the title or whatever you try to do with the plot of the story that might and might not be similar to what I have written in the past.

I am merely annoyed because it is so bad. If you want some serious advice, I would suggest doing a lot of reading and finding out why stories are written in the way that they're written. Learn how grammar works, use it better and get a lot of practice at writing. People aren't annoyed because you're having the protagonist getting it on with Yukari at the start of the story, they're annoyed because you've written it in such a way that it makes no sense and reads like some kind of blatant self-insertion/wish fulfillment.

If you want to improve, step away from the keyboard and go read more.
>> No. 30562
I thought the problem was that fucking stupid huge write-in.
>>30500
If it was my story, I would have stopped writing then and left it to rot. Seriously, how retarded can you get?
>> No. 30563
I've decided to stop this story and go and gain exp and to rethink things; I haven't given up on the idea yet; just refining the execution. In fact I'm reading a few more tales now, though the LA type story is kinda new to me, hence perhaps the trouble. I will admit in my plans the pre-intro is the weakest part; something I plan on improving while retaining the basic nature of it.

>>30562

You maybe right, but I come to realize working int a Q and A was too much of an idea for me to handle.

>>30561

That's what I'm doing; though my attempt was to make a typical Anon; not so much myself, but I admit that may be stereotyping Anons. Seeing you do a reaction I do at a truly bad fic was the major sign I errored. Thank you for the clarification.
>> No. 30564
>>30532 DAMN YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!

From the title I would say, it will be that Remilia strikes again on Gensokyo.
ALSO never mind the opinions of the others about the story's plot.

Proofreaders, bah it brings back bad memories. You complained about my grammar. But when I asked you to proofread my updates, you told me that I don't need. Or "I'm too lazy" or so..

Then going on #THP. Well I don't know if it was a good idea. I mean, back then they weren't much help. I mean I asked a few questions, but I didn't get answers, only "is that really you Saguya?" "Are you really Hungarian?" and so.. And that place, well it steals your prescious time. I mean you will chat there instead of making an update..
>> No. 30565
>>30564

Was that referring to me? Well considering what occurred due to my woeful inexperience, I'm just off reading things as I rework the intro. If this mess didn't occur, I'd have busted out a few updates by now.

Nice work on your end as well.

I guess it's a bittersweet honor to have some of /sdm/'s most known post here.
>> No. 30567
>>30564
If a blind person leads a blind person, both will fall into a pit.
>> No. 30572
File 124805063889.jpg - (20.41KB , 210x158 , kohaku-tsukihime-135607.jpg ) [iqdb]
30572
My oh my, that’s no good. If FrozenTuna listens to such a grammatically challenged, low-standards writer, he will simply have more trouble, won’t he?
>> No. 30573
Congratulations on having most of SDM's big names tell you "shitsux."
>> No. 30574
as I said earlier, I got a few folks to help me out on straightening out the grammar issues and such.

I'll just say the title is a bit of a clue to what happens later on, and it's not like HY's Castle Remilia story...
>> No. 30581
So we get to kill the Scarlet Devil?
>> No. 30582
>>30581

Nope; you end up working under her, and depending on the job, you end up learning different abilities and such. I'd say more but it'd be a spoiler.

I hope when I do retry this later on (Not anytime real soon though), I can reuse the title (I used exposition in the musical term sense)
>> No. 30583
>>30582
>>you end up working under her
...if you know what I mean?
>> No. 30584
>>30583

Depends on the route you end up on, and general actions.

I finished Deluge of a Lunar Fantasy (first run) and the ending did shock me...

But It did teach me some lessons on what not to do.

If anyone has any other questions, I'll answer them with in the limit of things (not going to spoil things).
>> No. 30590
>>30584

What else are you reading/have read now?
>> No. 30599
Let's see...

most or all of FoM LA that's there (i might need to double check)

SCIENCE! (Both main story and after story, at least what's there of the after story. The only thing better than a cute kappa is a super awesome yet cute one)

DoLF and its side stories, thinking about seriously reading the 2nd run. (Love how Alice was done... too bad Anon had otherwise to say. Very educational in many regards.)

That fic also caused me to wonder just how Alice is done commonly in /forest/.

FoM:LA "Doll Maker" (A buddy and he seems to be doing a great job on it; I think I might get into the habit of asking him for advice in addition to the two friends who'd check grammar.)

SDM LA and its 2nd run (I still don't know what route it's on; very inspirational)

Demon Castle Remilia. (Nice little AU tale)

Hakugyokuro LA and its afterstory. (I was a bit inspired by how it did things fast and loose; I'd love to see a Komachi or Youmu run if that)

You folks do know of the touhou castlevania based fangame in the making right? it's called Castle Magic Red Remy. (character art drawn thus far to my knowledge is Reimu in a more Belmontish outfit yet still shows armpits, the two sisters, and Cirno)

D.E.A.T.H. (Partially due to wanting to find a nice Komachi route tale)

Bits of a Scarlet Stained Memoir. (I'm trying to get the massive shock out of my head lest I end up repeating the mistake made here)

I'm actually thinking on what to read next, since to be honest, I'm wary of starting an on-going story just to see it Hiatused or worse.

I've gotten a general idea; though I might re-read a few things with a more attentive eye just to see how intros are done. In fact I have one of two types I'd use.

I've also noticed some of the gags common in some stories (1-2 other references to "THAT CHAIR" I heard for one in ASSM)
>> No. 30662
Some more things I'm reading (if anyone cares)

2nd run of both HLA and DoLF (so far DoLF has a different aura to it than the first run... not as widespread but focused)

I looked around some This Shrine stuff. (Yuuka/Yuka's truly the strongest if she can defeat the author trying to write about her)

And the ever unfamous snowfield ending of MiG, and all that goes with it.... ASSM's ending isn't much compared to this in "HOLY SHIT!"-ness.

Thinking about reading Gunman in Gensokyo.

Also if someone knows, I'm curious about the origins of various CYOA memes

I know of:

This Chair (Higurashi originated, but I think SDM LA made it popular)

Doom Comic memes (RIP AND TEAR! in FoM LA and in the first run of DoLF, "A MAN, A MAN AND A HALF, A BERSERKER PACKIN' MAN AND A HALF!"; not sure what did it first)

These I don't know how they started:

the 10,000 yen service at the Hakurei Shrine (Referenced in a few things, in HLA R1, Reimu complains about the rumor while in DoLF R1, Shiro ends up getting a service (not a particularly sexy service though)

The Anemia option (I know it originates from Tsukihime, but not sure which CYOA did it first)
>> No. 30667
>This Chair (Higurashi originated
ಠ_ಠ
>> No. 30668
File 124837719950.jpg - (169.09KB , 675x994 , dichromatic_butterfly_17.jpg ) [iqdb]
30668
>> No. 30672
Okay, I'll bite.

>This Chair (Higurashi originated, but I think SDM LA made it popular)

No. It came from Tsukihime, and pops up everywhere.

Most of these didn't come from just one CYOA, they were simply memes. It doesn't even really matter which one they were done in first, because they were all over the internet before then.
>> No. 30676
>This Chair (Higurashi originated, but I think SDM LA made it popular)

Just... get out. Leave the boards and never come back. Fucking hell.
>> No. 30677
>>30667
>>30672

True and I apologize for my ignorance. Since in Higurashi Rei ep 3 or so, Rika does basically pwn someone with a chair.

But thinking on it, it makes more sense, especially when Shiki's sanity is strained.
>> No. 30678
File 124840745647.jpg - (25.51KB , 595x446 , 1239435898065.jpg ) [iqdb]
30678
>> No. 30679
File 124843696050.jpg - (20.90KB , 475x339 , 1240315813045.jpg ) [iqdb]
30679
>> No. 30681
http://www.lurkmore.com/wiki/Tsukihime#This_Chair
>> No. 30682
>>30677
Grab your iPod, fire up your favorite IOSYS album.
>> No. 30685
>>30682
Don't bring that shit here.

>>30677
SDMLA predates the anime adaptation of Higurashi Rei. By a lot.
>> No. 30690
>>30682

Aquastyle is my remixes of choice mainly.

IOSYS is mainly good for their flashes and fluff pieces. When it comes down seriously listening to music, I prefer the above.

I've been listening to castlevania remixes in the last few days.