[Return]
Archived Thread

File 123600789423.jpg - (161.61KB , 500x397 , PileOfShoes.jpg ) [iqdb]
14859 No. 14859
In the very big place called the Universe, there is a planet that could be worth taking a look at. It is a quaint little sphere of moderate size with one moon, orbiting around a rather unimpressive yellow star in a rather unimpressive spiral galaxy. The indigenous peoples of this planet refer to themselves as “humans” more often than not, and are funny little bipedal creatures of average intelligence and passable physical attributes. They are carbon-based, have low tolerances to heat and radiation, and require continued consumption of hydrogen, oxygen, and carbon, along with trace amounts of other elements, to sustain their bodily functions.

They often enjoy building things to make their lives easier and more enjoyable for themselves. Sometimes they will build things to help them gather sustenance, or perhaps to find shelter. Other times they will build things for recreation, which produce no quantifiable output other than minor chemical reactions within the bodily organ they call a “brain”. They refer to these reactions as “happiness” or “excitement”, or a myriad or other words which they seem to be so fond of using.

They also engage in varied arguments amongst themselves, for unknown reasons. Often they will argue over the possessions they have made to make life easier for themselves. More often they will argue about the possessions they have made for entertainment. These arguments appear to have no discernable outcome other than the withdrawal of these humans into separate groups, which seem to argue only slightly less with each other than with different groups. Incidentally, they will often take the things they once used to make life easier for themselves and try to shoot each other in the foot with them. More often than not, the only person who ends up getting shot is the person who fired in the first place.

They almost destroyed themselves once. Almost. After a time, they forgot about that and almost destroyed themselves again. Almost. As has been remarked in times past, these humans are not always very smart. They will often say they are smart, because they can build so many different things to make life easier for them. However, most of the things they build will eventually be used to shoot themselves in the foot with, which is not very smart at all.

However, this story is not about them, making the last few paragraphs a complete waste of time. Or, perhaps more accurately, this story is not about most of them, making the last few paragraphs mostly a complete waste of time. This story, instead, is about you.

Not “you” in a physical, literal sense, of course. Quite likely the physical, literal “you” is currently sitting down observing a video screen, thinking to yourself, “The heck is this, Owen? Shoes?!”, or perhaps something with slightly larger and more forceful words. This would not make for a good story at all, and then the physical, literal “you” would most likely not read past this sentence if that were the case. Thus, because the weakest and most skeptical of you have already stopped reading by now, this sentence can contain just about anything, and it will not matter very much at all, such as the phrase, “Shazam!! Ah’ pity the foo’!!”

No; instead, this story is about a different “you.” This “you” lives in a small bubble of a world inside a small bubble of a world on the bubble of a planet mentioned in the mostly-useless paragraphs you might have read two minutes ago. The largest bubble is called “Earth” often enough by its inhabitants. The smaller bubble is an island called “Japan” often enough by everyone except its inhabitants, who instead call it “Nippon.” The smallest bubble yet is a region called “Gensokyo” often enough by everyone (which is actually not a lot of people), as well as its inhabitants, of which this different “you” is one of.

Judging by your obvious presence in front of this video screen, it is not difficult to assume that you are aware of what such an odd place contains. Thus, a phrase like, “You are a rather unimpressive female youkai of minor power” is not hard to accept and comprehend. However, a more complex phrase such as, “You have the power to barely manipulate shoes; like, you can maybe tie up the laces with your mind on a good day” is quite a bit more abstract, and more difficult to accept owing to your human mind’s adherence to logic. Perhaps it is because the literal “you” wants life to be perfect, and perfectly explained. Perhaps it is because the literal “you” finds the notion of a shoe youkai absurd and pointless, especially in the hands of an author who the literal “you” recognizes as anything but an author of light-hearted, nonsensical slice-of-life adventures.

Unfortunately, the “you” who is the protagonist of this story does not care about those things, and in fact does not even know what a “U. N. Owen” or a “CYOA” is. What you do care about is shoes. Lots of shoes. Everyone’s shoes. So much so that you will not rest until you have stolen each and every Gensokyan’s shoes for yourself, and they lie safely held within your stainless-steel, numerically-encrypted vault hidden carefully underneath your “house”, which is really little more than a few dozen pieces of two-ply cardboard held together with duct tape borrowed from Rinnosuke Morichika, whose shoes incidentally rested within your vault on that very same day. Not a bad pair really; you had hoped for something more than common tan sandals with rickety brass clasps, but there’s something quite soothing about their mundane nature when you look at them. Maybe it’ll make him get a better pair that you can steal later; what fun it would be to see the look on his face as his shoes disappear again! Too busy, though; there’s so many more pairs you need to get, and you can’t waste time doubling-up on a target you’ve already hit.

Wait, where were you again? Oh yes, of course: shoes.

ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO STEAL EVERYONE’S SHOES?

>> No. 14860
MISSION #1: SOLES OF DARKNESS
TARGET: Rumia
DIFFICULTY: Two Candles out of ten Candles.

“Someone who can’t even see though her own magic? Sounds like this mission’s gonna be a shoo-in for success!”

Spectacular Highly-Outstanding Event Script: >>/forest/12694
>> No. 15204
File 123658113569.jpg - (504.12KB , 1380x1686 , SHOESS000.jpg ) [iqdb]
15204
S.H.O.E.S. status board uploaded!
>> No. 15206
File 123658124857.jpg - (507.00KB , 1380x1686 , SHOESS001.jpg ) [iqdb]
15206
MISSION 01 COMPLETE!

S.H.O.E.S. status board updated!
>> No. 15208
>>15206
in b4 35 minutes ago
>> No. 15209
>>15204
>>15206

Do I spy Layla Prismriver? How are we supposed to... I mean, the logistics involved... was she even buried with her shoes on?

And Sailor Youmu, separate and distinct from Youmu? Or is that supposed to represent Myon? Will we be stealing ghost shoes?

Gah, my brains hurt.
>> No. 15211
>>15209

Never mind that we're apparently going to be stealing Alice's shoes and also going back in time to steal Alice's shoes.

Or the shoes of three people that live on the moon.

Or the shoes of three people from the outside world.

Or the shoes of people who, according to the Touhou canon, do not wear shoes.
>> No. 15212
I hope you don't mind a question, but...

Why steal shoes rather than hats? They're better looking for one. And even if we're going for the Yama's shoes, getting her hat is a must too.
>> No. 15213
>Why steal shoes rather than hats?

WHAT!? YOU WISH TO KILL THEM!?
>> No. 15214
>>15213

ONE WHO CONTROLS THE HATS, CONTROLS GENSOKYO ITSELF.
>> No. 15215
>>15209
>And Sailor Youmu, separate and distinct from Youmu? Or is that supposed to represent Myon? Will we be stealing ghost shoes?

Are you trying to imply that Sailor Youmu is somehow NOT separate and distinct from Youmu? They don't even look anything alike! There's no way the brave, magical girl, Sailor Youmu and her amazing fashion sense have anything to do with the lame gardener Youmu.
>> No. 15216
>>15212
Many of the Gensokyo residents get their powers from their hats...

As stated before, many would die without them.
>> No. 15220
>>15209
>>15211

Boot logic to the curb and do the impossible! That is the way Team Shoemeister rolls!

We shall what it takes, even if the chances for success are 0%! That's as good as 100%!
>> No. 15223
File 123659447330.jpg - (220.57KB , 1107x1586 , 819d79896cefc12f5d0a55dfaa49f281.jpg ) [iqdb]
15223
you're all missing the point. it's about the socks, man. socks. that's what we should be stealing.
>> No. 15226
>>15223

No.We should make like Marisa and steal their prescious things
>> No. 15269
>>15204>>15206
Wait, we're planning on stealing the shoes off Shanghai and Hourai? How did I miss that decision?
>> No. 15398
How the fuck can ne steal ZUN's shoes? And why is a character frmo another game in the list?
>> No. 15413
>>15398

Don't worry, we'll figure that out. Sigh, I need to get come up with a name for this site.
>> No. 15449
How do we steal Tewi's shoes?

I mean. You can't steal whats not there right?
>> No. 15450
>>15212
Should have been panties not shoes.
>> No. 15496
>>15212>>15223>>15450

Okay, you must realize that we chose shoes. Shoes. Just shoes. Not socks, shoes. Not hats, shoes. Not panties, shoes. Shoes, shoes, shoes. If you want something aside from shoes, go write it yourself. But don't expect Owen to write it for you. Now where was I, oh yeah, shoes. SHOES!
>> No. 15499
>>15449
We have met our match.

We could just steal her and call it even.
>> No. 15500
>>15449
>>15499

Hang on. HANG on.

We could goad her into stealing someone's shoes, then steal them from her. Two birds with one stone!
>> No. 15559
>>15500
Very nice thinking! It might be a good idea to try that, once we get the chance.

In other news, where's the next mission?
>> No. 15624
>>15559

I think Owen might be taking a small while to outline the mission. Or maybe we're supposed to vote for who we're going after next? I think it's the former...
>> No. 15627
SHOES! is going to be a round-robin story. Mystia and a few of my other friends want to get in on the shoe-stealing action too, so we're taking turns writing the missions (I think). It should be Mystia's turn right now.

I'm taking a small while to outline how to take it easy.
>> No. 16013
MISSION #2: YOUR SHOES ARE HISTORY!
TARGET: Keine Kamishirashamallamakawakawa
DIFFICULTY: She doesn’t grade on a curve

“School’s out for the summer! Shoes’ll out, forever!”

Super-Healthy Outline! Extreme Style!: >>/th/79592
>> No. 16713
I have added a new mission for shoe thievery! It's linked below.

>>/shrine/23116
>> No. 17008
File 12383720885.jpg - (523.61KB , 1380x1686 , SHOES!.jpg ) [iqdb]
17008
Updated, and Owen, Mystia, Unknown, others who's name on here I don't know yet... I'll keep a master copy of this list, just let me know if you want to do something special.
>> No. 17051
File 123839365999.jpg - (957.64KB , 1380x1686 , SHOESS003.jpg ) [iqdb]
17051
Official checklist updated. Accidentally left some java on top of it overnight. Luckily it only stained a corner nobody cares about anyway.
>> No. 17062
>>17051

Fine, be that way...
>> No. 17064
File 123843081651.gif - (149.66KB , 500x689 , LunaticEyesFlandre.gif ) [iqdb]
17064
>it only stained a corner nobody cares about anyway.

One of my clients would like a word with you.
>> No. 17163
Couldn't you just keep a PNG of it, and just shop it as neccessary? I've never heard of anyone getting coffee on a PNG.
>> No. 17172
it's shopped.
>> No. 17206
File 123847976462.png - (40.75KB , 250x332 , java_logo_2.png ) [iqdb]
17206
>>17163
Not coffee.

Java.
>> No. 17492
>>17163

Yeah, that was me being brain dead and tired. But here's something to make it better:
>> No. 17494
MISSION #4: SHOES AND DOLLS
TARGET: Medicine Melancholy

>>/th/82497

This message will self-destruct if you don't steal the shoes.
>> No. 21333
MISSION #5: THROUGH THE FIRE AND THE FLAMES
TARGET: Mokou Fujiwara
DIFFICULTY: They put a Dragonforce song on Guitar Hero? That’s not even remotely fair!

“Like a phoenix from the ashes I live again! Except, well, I was never really dead to begin with. And I haven’t lit myself on fire recently. Whatever, shoes!”

Supposedly Helpful & Obviously Eccentric Story: >>/th/90910
>> No. 22137
Must get more SHOOOOOOOOES!!!!
>> No. 22625
Sigh, we have been lazy, and I haven't heard anyone even mention it for a while, if I have the time (fixing my Xbox comes first, though) I might do one.
>> No. 22955
Bundle up, winter's coming. Make this one especially cold for Cirno by stealing her SHOES!

Difficulty: 90 base 9 out of 99 base 16, MAYBE! (she's not too bright)

This message will self destruct if you don't follow it here: >>104788
>> No. 22956
>>22955
>90 base 9
...wat
>> No. 22957
>>22956
That was my thought as well.
>> No. 29001
>>22957 81 out of 153.