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10560 No. 10560
I came, I saw, I came to like. And there you go.

XXXXXXXXX

The wind whistles down the cold, dark street tonight.

I glance through the occassional display windows I pass, and wherever I look, I see laughing, flushed faces of people dancing to the music vibe. The thought of joining them in a drunk bender crosses my rickety mind, but I quickly discard the nagging whim, justifying it with the hurry I'm in. Where am I headed at such a late hour? Normal people are at homes by now, except the ones working night shifts, and less normal, well, these are the ones giving me weird glances from above their glasses and bottles while I walk by.
The answer should be obvious, since I'm just an unfortunate specimen of the former kind. Being held up by a meeting, while not having a car fated me to make this late-night trek from my workplace to the humble apartment on the second floor of an ugly block of flats. Home for a poor desk bitch, working for an abusive, 60 years old queer who bathes in wealth while his subordinates continue to fight the poverty taking away the more equisite pleasures from their lives. Yeah, and because of my inability to find anything else that would suit my... skills, I am forced to continue this miserable style of life.
The more I see, the less I know - the world is so unfair. Look at all those people - are they fooling around because they want to forget about the troubles? Or are they just stuck-up surly dogs like my boss? I'm sure that deep inside a parallel universe, the world looks diffirent, but as long as I'm stuck in this one, there's no choice. I have to endure. No matter how much scar tissue that earns me.

"'s not really that far."

I tell my worn out, cold muscles, trying to encourage them to work for just a little more time.
As if to mock my resolve, a single drop of water falls from the sky, landing right on my nose.
Only to be followed by a much greater number of her sisters a second after.

"Great."


...


Not long after that, I'm standing under a bus stop's canopy, in dull ennui observing the poodles of water growing larger, while thick lightnings flash, the muttering thunders roll through the dark grey firmament above. I should have known better to take an umbrella. Ah, why did I not pay attention to the forecast? The stress must have got to me at the long awaited last.

"Huh?"

My weary mind must be playing tricks on me. I swear I could see a dark shape dash through the shadows on the opposite side of the street. I really need to relax once in a while. When I get home, I'm going to make myself some tea and--
Like in a poor novel, the same exact moment I think that , a loud cry sounds from the nearest alley, making me jump in suprise. My thoughts start running wild, trying to determine whose voice could that be, and why would it sound there in the first place.
It feels almost like a movie. Stormy night, a scream, and a cliche dead alley, bathing in darkness, where something horrible enough to make one scream has just taken place.
The feeling is intensified by the fact that my legs start moving me hastily towards the said alley almost on their own.

"Hello?"

I try talking to the impenetrable blackness, expecting maybe someone replying from behind the curtain of darkness, but the fates decide to disappoint me. Not even a slightest sound. Only the humming of rain around.
My jacket is totally drenched.

"Hello?"

I speak up again and take a step forward.

As if that was a trigger, something leaps at me with the speed of an attacking cheetah. Two hands land on my shoulders, and quickly push, with great strength, making me fall backwards, and hit my head on the concrete.

Hard.

So hard I manage to see only a glimpse of something golden before I lose consciousness.


...


The awakening is almost as unpleasant as the sudden, brutal lullaby I was forced to be a victim of. It feels almost like if I were laying on a bed that consisted of irregular, small lumps of dirt and rocks... Cold dirt and rocks.
And that's exactly what it turns out to be when I open my eyes.
"Oya, finally decided to wake yer arse up, eh?"
Startled, I almost jump up when the owner of the haorse, but feminine voice comes in view. Long, unnaturally light hair. White shirt and red overalls, the same kind my gradfather used to wear. And in her lips - because it's undoubtedly a girl, unless men suddenly decided to grow breasts - a ciggarette.
I throw a few scared glances around, only to find out that I'm in some sort of a forest.
"Borrowed one, hope ya don't mind." The girl waves a pack of Camels that I was keeping for the black hour deep inside my pockets. "Oh, one more thing. I believe this is yours."
"Huh?"
I stare, perplexed, as she reaches to her shirt's pocket, and... freezes in place.
"Eh?" she gasps in suprise "I could swear it was..." she begins to frantically search around her other pockets "Oh for fuck's sake..."
What is she looking for anyway? And more importantly, who the hell is she? And MOST importantly, where the hell am I? This doesn't look anything like the alley I got jumped in, nor does it resemble my city in any way... It's just a forest. With strangely thin and high trees. Was I kidnapped? Abducted?
Apparently unable to find what she was looking for, the girl stands up and begins to circle around, with her eyes glued to the ground.


[ ] Ask her who she is.
[ ] Ask her what she's looking for.
[ ] You're disoriented, call for help.
[ ] No matter what happened, you're not gonna survive without those cigs. Ask her to give them back.

>> No. 10564
I am shocked that this did not end in Bel-Air.

[x] No matter what happened, you're not gonna survive without those cigs. Ask her to give them back.
[x] And your lighter.
>> No. 10567
[X] "No. No no no no no no no. Not again. Not again."
[X] "I didn't mind when I ran into that talking dog. I was a kid back then. Kids love talking dogs. And even though I got roped into crossing state lines and ended up grounded, everything turned out alright in the end."
[X] "When the extraterrestrial scientists accidentally zapped me across the universe, I was a good sport about it. Accidents happen. I had to make up a year, but that was fine. Fine."
[X] "And when I found that magic sword in the foyer, I did my job, didn't I? My girlfriend left me and apartment ended up with a few holes in it, but I killed all those reanimated corpses, just like they wanted me to, and defeated that warlock guy in battle."
[X] "And when I got assimilated into the body of some biomechanical freakazoid, I waited! I waited patiently, and didn't complain, even those the idiot wanted to go fight crime all the time! I waited until we got separated, and I never complained ONCE! NOT ONCE!"
[X] "BUT NOW THIS!"
[X] *slowly calm your fires of rage into something like ice*
[X] "Send me back. Now."
[X] "No. Actually, give me back my cigarettes. I BOUGHT those cigarettes. And I BOUGHT that lighter, with what I managed to scrimp up between getting sent to the Atlantis and getting sent back in time and getting shrunk and injected into some guy's bloodworks. So give me my cigarettes, and give me my lighter, and send me back."
[X] "NOW."
>> No. 10571
[X] "No. No no no no no no no. Not again. Not again."
[X] "I didn't mind when I ran into that talking dog. I was a kid back then. Kids love talking dogs. And even though I got roped into crossing state lines and ended up grounded, everything turned out alright in the end."
[X] "When the extraterrestrial scientists accidentally zapped me across the universe, I was a good sport about it. Accidents happen. I had to make up a year, but that was fine. Fine."
[X] "And when I found that magic sword in the foyer, I did my job, didn't I? My girlfriend left me and apartment ended up with a few holes in it, but I killed all those reanimated corpses, just like they wanted me to, and defeated that warlock guy in battle."
[X] "And when I got assimilated into the body of some biomechanical freakazoid, I waited! I waited patiently, and didn't complain, even those the idiot wanted to go fight crime all the time! I waited until we got separated, and I never complained ONCE! NOT ONCE!"
[X] "BUT NOW THIS!"
[X] *slowly calm your fires of rage into something like ice*
[X] "Send me back. Now."
[X] "No. Actually, give me back my cigarettes. I BOUGHT those cigarettes. And I BOUGHT that lighter, with what I managed to scrimp up between getting sent to the Atlantis and getting sent back in time and getting shrunk and injected into some guy's bloodworks. So give me my cigarettes, and give me my lighter, and send me back."
[X] "NOW."

This. For sure.
>> No. 10573
[X] "No. No no no no no no no. Not again. Not again."
[X] "I didn't mind when I ran into that talking dog. I was a kid back then. Kids love talking dogs. And even though I got roped into crossing state lines and ended up grounded, everything turned out alright in the end."
[X] "When the extraterrestrial scientists accidentally zapped me across the universe, I was a good sport about it. Accidents happen. I had to make up a year, but that was fine. Fine."
[X] "And when I found that magic sword in the foyer, I did my job, didn't I? My girlfriend left me and apartment ended up with a few holes in it, but I killed all those reanimated corpses, just like they wanted me to, and defeated that warlock guy in battle."
[X] "And when I got assimilated into the body of some biomechanical freakazoid, I waited! I waited patiently, and didn't complain, even those the idiot wanted to go fight crime all the time! I waited until we got separated, and I never complained ONCE! NOT ONCE!"
[X] "BUT NOW THIS!"
[X] *slowly calm your fires of rage into something like ice*
[X] "Send me back. Now."
[X] "No. Actually, give me back my cigarettes. I BOUGHT those cigarettes. And I BOUGHT that lighter, with what I managed to scrimp up between getting sent to the Atlantis and getting sent back in time and getting shrunk and injected into some guy's bloodworks. So give me my cigarettes, and give me my lighter, and send me back."
[X] "NOW."

Haha oh wow. The look we get will be amazing.
>> No. 10574
at first I was like "tl;dr" but then I was like "holy shit this is awesome"

>>10562 here. Changing vote.

[X] "No. No no no no no no no. Not again. Not again."
[X] "I didn't mind when I ran into that talking dog. I was a kid back then. Kids love talking dogs. And even though I got roped into crossing state lines and ended up grounded, everything turned out alright in the end."
[X] "When the extraterrestrial scientists accidentally zapped me across the universe, I was a good sport about it. Accidents happen. I had to make up a year, but that was fine. Fine."
[X] "And when I found that magic sword in the foyer, I did my job, didn't I? My girlfriend left me and apartment ended up with a few holes in it, but I killed all those reanimated corpses, just like they wanted me to, and defeated that warlock guy in battle."
[X] "And when I got assimilated into the body of some biomechanical freakazoid, I waited! I waited patiently, and didn't complain, even those the idiot wanted to go fight crime all the time! I waited until we got separated, and I never complained ONCE! NOT ONCE!"
[X] "BUT NOW THIS!"
[X] *slowly calm your fires of rage into something like ice*
[X] "Send me back. Now."
[X] "No. Actually, give me back my cigarettes. I BOUGHT those cigarettes. And I BOUGHT that lighter, with what I managed to scrimp up between getting sent to the Atlantis and getting sent back in time and getting shrunk and injected into some guy's bloodworks. So give me my cigarettes, and give me my lighter, and send me back."
[X] "NOW."
>> No. 10576
This party is getting crazy.

Gimme 5 or 6 hours to return from work and we'll move on.
>> No. 10579
You are now hearing this CYOA being narrated by Simon Templeman. Manually.
>> No. 10581
What the hell. Who is that farmgirl? What is she looking for with such fervor? No, why do I even bother thinking about that? For god's sake, first I'm getting jumped at by some... thing in a dark valley, then I find myself in a forest, alone with a farmgirl who stole MY cigs while I was uncoscious. Don't tell me, it's THAT time again? Did I inhale something at the meeting, and am having a realistic, VERY realistic trip? The guy from DTP was a hard stoner, he sometimes gave me some of his stuff, to 'ease the stress', but...
"... no." I mutter under my nose "No. No, no, no, no, no. Not fucking again."
"Hm?" the girl - undoubtedly an illusion of my drugged mind, stops scanning the ground and looks at me with innocent confusion in her eyes. She kinda looks like my mother, now that I think about it. "What are ya on about, ya?"
"Look." I try to make my words as clear and loud as possible, in case she - the dreadful image of a younger version of my mother - has problems with hearing "I didn't mind when I ran into that talking dog. I was a kid back then. Kids love talking dogs. And even though I got roped into crossing state lines and ended up grounded, everything turned out alright in the end."
She tilts her head.
"Ya high or what?"
" Or when the extraterrestrial scientists accidentally zapped me across the universe?" I disregard her ironically appropriate comment and continue "I was a good sport about it. Accidents happen. I had to make up a year, but that was fine. Fine."
Now she puts her hands on her hips and looks at me with forbearance. Great, now she reminds me of my deceased grandmother. She was a bitch, that's for sure. I wonder when she's going to turn into my obese cousin.
"What're ya talkin' about, whacker?"
Of course, she's acting. She knows what I mean, she knows it full well.
"And when I got assimilated into the body of some biomechanical freakazoid, I waited!" I throw my arms up to emphasize the weight of that confession "I waited patiently, and didn't complain, even those the idiot wanted to go fight crime all the time! I waited until we got separated, and I never complained ONCE! NOT ONCE! But now THIS!"
She continues to stare at me in false confusion, as if to mock everything that I've said up till now. No, perhaps it's more of an angry, but confused stare. The one you give an ugly girl who's just confessed to you before pummeling her face as if it was a training bag. Wait, does that mean I'm in danger? No, illusions can't beat up people, now can they? Unless you end up punching your face yourself in a drugged stupor. Which is dangerous.
Still, this is freaking inconvenient. I really need to get up early tommorow, and finding myself in another fucked up trip, I just can't help but feel angry. Oh, the repercussions will be severe. I'm gonna wake up in the morning, and my head's gonna feel twice the size, hurting all over. Just what I need.
But maybe if I ask her nicely, she's gonna wake me up? Always worth a try.
"Uh... Could you please send me back?"
She frowns at my unsure question.
"Send ya back where? To that youkai infested hellhole I hauled yer ass from?"
As expected, she doesn't make any sense. One minute and she's going to diss me about that incident with our cat when I was four. Oh, they ALWAYS bring that up! Why do they always bring it up?!

Damn, I need a smoke.

"Actually, forget that." I wave my hand at her in dismissal. "Just give me back my cigs first. I BOUGHT them, And I BOUGHT that lighter, with what I managed to scrimp up between getting sent to the Atlantis and getting sent back in time and getting shrunk and injected into some guy's bloodworks. So give me my cigarettes, and give me my lighter, and send me back. NOW."
"Yer one crazy bloke."
The little, rectangular box flies straight at my face with unexpected accuracy, and before I'm even able to dodge, it almost stabs my eye out. Thankyee, it would be nice to know what it feels like not to have an eye.
"I don't have yer lighter."
Yeah, whatever. I'm sure she does have that goddamn lighter, but screw it now. The cigs are all I want. I open up the lid, and--

"Holy. Fucking. Jesus."

She took one, she'd said so before. But this... This is just... I knew it would look like this, but seeing it with my own eyes is just...

Where there should be a clean and regular row of orange filters, there's a huge, black gaping hole, right in the middle. Right in the fucking middle. A huge gap, where the missing cig should be. I can't stand it. WHY is there a hole? Who the fuck made that hole? Oh wait, SHE did. That stupid illusion did. A huge gap. Jesus fucking christ, how am I supposed to carry this shit around, if there's a HUGE FUCKING HOLE right in the fucking middle?!
Shit, there's no way to fix it. No matter how I try to arrange the cigs, there's always a hole somewhere. Holes. Holes fucking everywhere. Like little bugs crawling inside my head. Holes. Holes, fucking holes!
Then there's no other choice. I have to smoke all of them at once. Otherwise I'm gonna die, or worse, if I carry this stuff around. I have to smoke all of them. And since I won't be able to bear with the sight of HOLES in MY cig pack!
With shaking hands, I quickly whip out all of the cigs and plunge them into my mouth. Feels good. Incredibly good. Now how am I going to light them up?
"Whaifher." I try to remind the girl "I gheef if."
"I don't have yer freakin lighter!"
For an unknown reason, she clicks her fingers.
And the same exact moment, something explodes just in front of my face. Holy jesus. Don't tell me Jeff substituted my cigs with exploding ones again? That shit's nasty, why do they even produce that?
But no, apparently all that happened was the ciggarettes sontanously combusting. All, except for one. I quickly pull it out of my mouth, before it spreads it's poison and throw it away. Fuck.

Then I inhale the smoke.

Ah, feels good...

[ ] Finish and persuade the girl to wake me up.
[ ] Finish and punch the goddamn grandmother bitch.
[ ] Finish and ask her about the lighter again.
[ ] Spit the red-hot cigs into her face.
>> No. 10582
>With shaking hands, I quickly whip out all of the cigs and plunge them into my mouth. Feels good. Incredibly good. Now how am I going to light them up?

GENTLEMEN.

[x] Finish and persuade the girl to wake me up.
>> No. 10583
[ ] Finish and persuade the girl to wake me up.
>> No. 10584
[x] Finish and persuade the girl to wake me up.
>> No. 10585
[X] Finish and persuade the girl to wake me up.
>> No. 10590
[x]get on with it
>> No. 10591
This makes me think of Lighthouse, but instead of 24/7 psychosis, it's a bitter, jaded, twitchy, depressed guy.

I await further updates with interest.

>>10567
Is this from something? I really, really have to know.
>> No. 10597
>>10591
>a bitter, jaded, twitchy, depressed guy.

sounds like someone we know.
>> No. 10599
File 122461793278.jpg - (93.96KB , 600x793 , 3fad87d0f49a2fea8cf3f602b26a8659.jpg ) [iqdb]
10599
[x] Finish and persuade the girl to wake me up.

While the battery of cigs still glows and smokes, there can be no interruptions. One cannot simply break the ritual of smoking without having a good and serious reason. Not even that mother-grandmother-farmgirl illusion can take away my peace now.
The smoke irritating my throat feels almost too realistic for a drug trip. Oh well, it's not the first time something like this happens, no point in worrying. Just gotta get through and deal with it. Yeah, that's right. Gotta chill. Relax. Fortunately for me, those little fuckers do that perfectly. It's almost like if I was a little kid, and an antropomorphisation of lung cancer was patting my head affectionaly. Greatest pleasure known to man, not counting drilling in your ears with those fancy sticks with a piece of cotton wool on the end. Nothing can beat that shit.
Eh, so yeah, this trip is cool and all, and it's nice to see my grandmother, but I've got more important things to do.
"Yer a hardcore bikkie, aren't ya."
I promptly ignore her malicious comment and continue on inhaling the blessed smoke. Hell, if it weren't a trip, I'd probably be shortening my life several years this way. But screw it. In times of need, one has to cast away common sense and stop worrying about self-preservation. This is one of those moments. Altough my ultimate goal is self-preservation in one way or another, I decide to ignore that contradiction and instead concentrate on sucking on the orange filters in my mouth.
Shit, they're not burning out evenly. What a bother.
My grandmother gives me a last, strange glance before returning to her search for the holy grail. Though given the surroundings, it'd be safe to assume that Noah's arc is burried somewhere around. Or not. Maybe the alien scientists took it already. Fucking alien scientists, always meddling with someone else's business. One day I'm gonna kick their tentacle-spiked asses for sure. Just you wait, Robert Tentaclearse! I'm gonna get ya!
"Found ya, lil' bastard!"
She bends down to the ground, giving me a nice view on the little hole in her pants' crotch which image I decide to seal away as fast as possible. No use gaping at my grandmothers' buttocks. No matter how young and firm they look. I'd rather not play with a dead corpse's ass. That bitch can forever rot underground for all I care.
But apparently this mental image has diffirent opinion on that. Instead of changing into a white beer truck, she approaches me and throws something on the ground just before me.
"Ya had this on ya when I picked ya up."
It's a piece of wood on a string. Nothing more than that. It DOES have some sort of design burned onto it, but looking at it makes my vision blur, so I decide to ignore it for now. More importantly...
Aight, I guess it's enough. Not without remorse, I pull the pathetic remains of cigs from my mouth and throw them all aside, breaking all rules of good upbringing and environmental protection at the same time. I don't give a damn.
"Listen, mom," I speak up, ignoring her weird stare yet again "I'm tired of this crap. I wanna wake up. Now."
"Yer really not right in ya coconut, eh bikkie?"
Looks like she didn't get the hint.
"Listen there." I slam my fist on the ground lightly, not to wound it by an accident. I could be flailing around my limbs in the awake world for all I know. Better to be careful. "I don't know what kind of issues do I have to have, to meet an illusion of my mother, grandmother and an australian farmgirl, and in one, illegible-speaking form at that, but I'm sick of it. I swear I'm gonna be a good boy, and all that, just send be back."
Oh, this isn't a good premise. That gesture - palming one's forehead - is never a good sign. Am I gonna get spanked? By a young version of my mother?
"No, ya listen, dill. Wanna go back and get eaten by youkai? Cool, just don't ya scream for help while runnin' away like a retarded deer. One might think you're actually being honest. Ya even passed out as soon as I picked yer sorry arse up."
That yoo-khay word again. What does she mean? Does it have anything to do with that poor cat? No, can't be. Besides, she has to have forgotten that already, right? There's no way she'd remember that cat, never. Too many years have passed.
"So..." I try to ask "I guess you remember that cat after all...?"
"Huh?" she frowns so hard her eyebrows almost meet and tilts her head "What cat?"
"Uh..." I'm not sure if I should continue, but decide to do it anyway "You know... When I was four... That black cat you used to feed... And father's old chainsaw... I couldn't resist... Yes, I know how hard it is to wash cat blood off wallpapers, but I had no idea it would bleed so freaking much!"
"Yer really not right under ya ceiling... Here, lemme fix that."
Before I'm able to ask what kind of fix does she want to apply, something hits the top of my head, MILLIMETERS from the spot I hit when I got jumped in that alley. Good freaking riddance. Oh wait, what hit me anyway?
Her elbow.
Damn, that felt realistic. Almost too realistic. I'm almost convinced I'm gonna have another bump when I wake up.
"There, feelin' better?"

[ ] It can't be real, right? Gotta check, just to make sure.
[ ] "Actually, no, not at all."
[ ] Eye for an eye! It's time for revenge!
[ ] I should cry. Definitely, I should cry. Maybe it'll bring out those maternal insticts she should still possess.

XXXXXX

>>10597

Hm?
>> No. 10601
[ ] "Actually, no, not at all."
>> No. 10603
[x] "Actually, no, not at all."
[x] "Now, I'd like you to send me back."
[x] "Not to 'Youkai'. I don't know where 'Youkai' is. It sounds...'You-krainian' or something--I don't know."
[x] "I want you to send me back to the alleyway you plucked me from, you got it? Alleyway. That's a really shitty method of transportation, you know. Jesus Christ, even when I got zapped into that friggin' Dali Never-Never Land place, all I felt was a tingle."
[x] "A tingle."
[x] "As opposed to a WHACK IN THE SKULL."
>> No. 10604
>>10603

I want to have your manbabies.

[x] "Actually, no, not at all."
[x] "Now, I'd like you to send me back."
[x] "Not to 'Youkai'. I don't know where 'Youkai' is. It sounds...'You-krainian' or something--I don't know."
[x] "I want you to send me back to the alleyway you plucked me from, you got it? Alleyway. That's a really shitty method of transportation, you know. Jesus Christ, even when I got zapped into that friggin' Dali Never-Never Land place, all I felt was a tingle."
[x] "A tingle."
[x] "As opposed to a WHACK IN THE SKULL."
>> No. 10608
[x] "Actually, no, not at all."
[x] "Now, I'd like you to send me back."
[x] "Not to 'Youkai'. I don't know where 'Youkai' is. It sounds...'You-krainian' or something--I don't know."
[x] "I want you to send me back to the alleyway you plucked me from, you got it? Alleyway. That's a really shitty method of transportation, you know. Jesus Christ, even when I got zapped into that friggin' Dali Never-Never Land place, all I felt was a tingle."
[x] "A tingle."
[x] "As opposed to a WHACK IN THE SKULL."

This is quickly becoming one of my favorites, if only because you've topped off my perfect mental voice for Mokou.
>> No. 10612
[x] "Actually, no, not at all."
[x] "Now, I'd like you to send me back."
[x] "Not to 'Youkai'. I don't know where 'Youkai' is. It sounds...'You-krainian' or something--I don't know."
[x] "I want you to send me back to the alleyway you plucked me from, you got it? Alleyway. That's a really shitty method of transportation, you know. Jesus Christ, even when I got zapped into that friggin' Dali Never-Never Land place, all I felt was a tingle."
[x] "A tingle."
[x] "As opposed to a WHACK IN THE SKULL."
>> No. 10615
>>10608

Thanks, that's motivating. Brace for updates tommorow.
>> No. 10640
File 12246888743.jpg - (243.22KB , 324x450 , 9c44259418e0479d56969794faf374d9.jpg ) [iqdb]
10640
Am I feeling better? Damn no. This is worse than that one time when I was awake for four days straight and my room got stormed by a tribe of frog people. That was nasty. But at least my mom wasn't there to jab my head whenever she wants. Man, I could use a painkiller now. Where the hell is my helmet? Who took it? Who the crap took my helmet? Was it her? Did she do it?
"Actually, no, not at all."
I try my best to cool down her sadistic enthusiasm with a carefully planned idiffirence. I've been meaning to take kung-fu lessons for years now, in case something like this happens - namely, in case I'd need to beat up the younger version of my mother - so I'd be ready. But I ended up putting it off, and here I am, totally defenseless against those aggressive delusions. Procrastination has failed me yet again.
"Yer really messed u--"
"No." I quickly interrupt, still wondering where the hell is she hiding my helmet "Listen up, marjoram. I want ya to send me back. Now."
She crosses arms on her chest.
"I told ya--"
"No." I cut in yet again. Is it in her shirt? No way those knockers are real. My mother was always kind of flat, but why are there two of them? Though it would be nice to have two helmets, now that I think about it. "Not to that 'Youkai'. I don't know where 'Youkai' is. It sounds...'You-krainian' or something--I don't know." I try not to show that I'm focusing all my attention on her chest while still blurting out my demands I know she won't comply to anyway. At least not until I get my damn helmet back. I'm invincible with that shit. "I want you to send me back to the alleyway you plucked me from, you got it? Alleyway. That's a really shitty method of transportation, you know. Jesus Christ, even when I got zapped into that friggin' Dali Never-Never Land place, all I felt was a tingle. A freakin' TINGLE."
"What are y--"
"AS OPPOSED TO A WHACK IN THE HEAD." I stand up and point a finger at her "Captain Kirk of the intergalactic house of waffles orders you to send me back!"
Uh-oh. I knew something like this would happen. Damn you, low blood pressure, one day you're gonna kill me! My mind goes blank for a split second, and when the vision returns, I'm laying on the ground, with that wooden thing in my mouth. Nice aim, bastard. Next time try to bite her nipples, not wood and dirt. At least it'd leave some nice memories. Man, this has to be the worst freakin' trip I've ever had. It doesn't even taste good. I remember that one time I tried to eat a chair while high. Now that was tasty. Mainly thanks to the mountain of ketchup I spilt on it, but still. Would be much better if I didn't have to fight off a horde of murderous reptiles with my third axe-leg.
"Should have took a sickie if yer crook." my mother speaks up again, with what I take is a mocking grin. My helmet. "Instead of runnin' with them youkai girls."
NOT YOU-KRAINIAN, DAMN IT. I want to go home! Put on my helmet and grow mushrooms in a corner! See if Jackal, my pet spider is still alive. I haven't fed him for weeks. Eh, I heard spiders taste like nuts...
Wait, that's not the point. I can't let myself be swayed by such triffling matters! Jackal needs me! I have to go back!
"Scho ahou--" I take a short break to spit out the piece of wood "So about that space suit-- I mean alleyway."
Instead of simply answering, she approaches my poor, sore body and squats just in front of my face. Chance! The helmets are in my reach now! But why am I having a bad feeling about this?
"Listen, dill. I know a good doc. How 'bout ya see her?"
"Will she be able to send me back?" I ask, suspicious of her intentions. She could be trying to trick me into cleaning dishes for all I know. She used to do that all the time.
"Dunno. But it's London to a brick that ya need some serious medical attention."
What? I don't want to go to London! It's gloomy and humid there, I don't want to get wet again!
"I don't want London! I want back!"
"Are ya justa dill or tryin' ta pick a blue? I'm beginnin' to regret savin' you, there."

[ ] Very well. Let's see the doctor. I'm gonna put on my jetpack, and let us take flight!
[ ] Do like a tree and don't move. Maybe she'll stop seeing me if I keep still, like snakes do. Snakes are cool.
[ ] Unleash the fury of the mantis cruncher! I'm gonna take back the helmets!
>> No. 10643
[X] "Fine. Goddamn it, fine."
[X] "London is near enough to where I'm meant to be, anyway. Just a hop, skip, and a plane ride from there to..."
[X] "...Ha, plane ride. This'll be the first time in ever that I've got somewhere on a normal method of transportation, you know."
[X] "You extraterrestrial beings and alternate dimension denizens are all the same."
>> No. 10645
[x] "Fine. Goddamn it, fine."
[x] "London is near enough to where I'm meant to be, anyway. Just a hop, skip, and a plane ride from there to..."
[x] "...Ha, plane ride. This'll be the first time in ever that I've got somewhere on a normal method of transportation, you know."
[x] "You extraterrestrial beings and alternate dimension denizens are all the same."

Okay.
>> No. 10646
[x] "Fine. Goddamn it, fine."
[x] "London is near enough to where I'm meant to be, anyway. Just a hop, skip, and a plane ride from there to..."
[x] "...Ha, plane ride. This'll be the first time in ever that I've got somewhere on a normal method of transportation, you know."
[x] "You extraterrestrial beings and alternate dimension denizens are all the same."
>> No. 10647
You're not Australian. This slang is not Australian. Stop taking words you found on the internet and assuming people use them or that they even exist in the first place.
Given your name, I can only assume you're an elaborate troll targeting Australins. You succeeded. 8/10.
>> No. 10650
>>10647

butthurt
>> No. 10651
>>10650

Not butthurt, YAF. Trolled. There's a difference.
>> No. 10652
...Wait, this is supposed to be Australian slang? I assumed that...I dunno, she was saying something completely different and that the protagonist's busted brain was mistranslating it into meaningless babble.

...why do I always expect good from people?
>> No. 10653
"Captain Kirk of the intergalactic house of waffles orders you to send me back!"

You're getting dangerous close to LOLRANDUM there.
>> No. 10655
[x] "Fine. Goddamn it, fine."
[x] "London is near enough to where I'm meant to be, anyway. Just a hop, skip, and a plane ride from there to..."
[x] "...Ha, plane ride. This'll be the first time in ever that I've got somewhere on a normal method of transportation, you know."
[x] "You extraterrestrial beings and alternate dimension denizens are all the same."

Voting in an australian story.
>> No. 10660
>>10597
Oh... so you noticed that, too?
>> No. 10662
[x] Unleash the fury of the mantis cruncher! I'm gonna take back the helmets!

I'd rather squeeze the unholy hell out of her breasts, but whatever. Pissing in the tide and all that.
>> No. 10663
>>10653
I agree. Weird thoughts are fine, but this guy is calm about his insanity, not WOW I'M SO CRAZY LOLOLOL.