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6009 No. 6009
Upon this estate which all are destined to meet.
I as well have been an attendant.
The essence of beauty while looking in, a colorful gate protected by rainbows.
Send me the blessings from the East, an expanse of mystery awaits.
For that which this separate entity contains;
We find complexities unfold.

O ye maiden of time confined to this mansion of old.
Set aside your desires and put forth the will of others and clean, clean, clean.
An eternity of size is but nothing to one who circumvents reality.

Cruel winged mistress who owns this place, shall your servants ever free?
With silken glove, and lavender hair, how is it you are so fair?
Fury within, seeds of destruction are sewn by a fiery and selfish temperament.
A scarlet child with etiquette, who's instincts call for blood;
Can you realize the pain you bring?

Librarian of this devils reside, tell me of your world.
Let me see the expanse that stretches to infinity as you have seen more than I,
Even though this room you never leave.
Stretch out to me your superior knowledge, yet you I shall never understand.
Even with a body so feeble, still you retain the upper-hand.
I cannot see through your shadow.

In the depths of such a world we descent into a nightmare, where a stranger evil sleeps.
Humans are but a mere plaything, to the child of hell.
Wings so beautiful, yet merely fake just like your reality.
“What is my reality, what exists outside of this pit?”
“Oh dear sister, I want your love. It is a message I'm denied relay.”
A diabolic wave consumes your senses, as you lose yourself to discord.
“Insanity has depraved my emotions, forever zero is my fate.”

Bountiful Horrors
Remain untold, Welcome to
The Scarlet Mansion

>> No. 6011
>>6009
This board >>/gensokyo/ is fine for your purposes. Would you like some pointers with respect to your poem here?
>> No. 6013
Sounds nice~

We could definitely use a bit more of this.
>> No. 6014
>>6009
You can give all the pointers you'd like.
However I can't guarantee that I'll adhere to them.
>> No. 6015
>>6014
1. The biggest difference between poetry and doggerel after subject matter is that poetry has a meter. Choose one and stick with it. (Disregard this point if you're planning on doing alliterative verse in the vein of Gawain or Beowulf.)
2. Even if you're going for a different structure than a Petrarchan or Shakespearean sonnet, you still should try for regular stanzas. Was it just that you had more to say about certain characters?

In any event, your idea about describing the household in a way that mirrors walking through it is novel and has a lot of potential in terms of how it could be developed. Have you read the Divine Comedy?
>> No. 6016
>>6015
The points you raise are fair enough.
The problem seems to be that I am inherently incapable of recognizing the up beat and down beats of certain words. This being said, I have never studied poetry or any writing in general for that matter. Yet almost nowhere on the internet seems to have people willing to provide criticism. So I'm okay with all of this.

Yes, I did have more to say about certain characters. You see, I didn't want to wind up overstating a character to the point where their characteristics were out of context or even contradictory.

No, I have not read the Divine Comedy. However I would like to note that it isn't just the Scarlet Mansion that has potential, it's the entire world itself. The intention was to see life like reflections about the world within not only the characters and their specific traits, but the world these people live in as well.
>> No. 6040
"A Land Many Have Already Discovered"
I come across a world settled atop a mountain of faith,
And cast my anchor down.
All the while I feel my power is missing while in this place
Its Immaterial existence enthralls me.
Tell me the story of a Eastern wonderland.
A magnificent story occurring in the land of Lotus;
And how their gods are highly responsive to prayers.
At the mystic square we rest under a perfect cherry blossom tree.
My eyes grow heavy, as I drift off to sleep;
Awaking to find the night here is imperishable.
I recall horror, the embodiment of scarlet devil herself.
This thought is miniscule in its call for my alert,
as I find myself encased by the rhapsody of harsh weather.
In such a precise manner it does strike me, that my belief becomes that of animism as I ponder,
"Surely such life force stretches down to the subterranean levels in a place such as this."
All too soon my thoughts are answered,
When I view a patch of flowers sending phantasmagorical images at me.
Telling me the story of what life is like,
remaining forever stationary.
Yet while these Unthinkable natural laws destroy my ability to perceive
I remain ignorant to the undefined, yet, fantastic object on the horizon.
As the scarlet child returns home.



I just did this one to show how you can have fun with words! By the way, who was that person that was talking to me earlier? I was sort of hoping it would get back to me.
>> No. 6046
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6046
The garden like a lady fair was cut,
That lay as if she slumbered in delight,
And to the open skies her eyes did shut.
The azure fields of Heaven were 'sembled right
In a large round set with the flowers of light.
The flowers de luce and the sparks of dew
That hung from their azure leaves did shew
Like twinkling stars that sparkle in the evening blue.
-Giles Fletcher, circa 1600
I thought it fit. Kinda.