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5016 No. 5016
“Hey! Sakuranbo! Where are you, Sakuranbo?”
“I am here, Mistress. By the way, my name is Sakuy-”
“Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking, Suteresusetsu.”
“My apologies, Mistress.”
“In any case, has the gentlemen we called for arrived, yet?”
“Yes, Mistress. He is currently waiting in one of the guest rooms. Shall I summon him?”
“Yes, bring him to me at once.”
“As you wish, Mistress.”

- - - - - - - - - -

“Now then, young man, I trust you know why you're here?”
“Um, vaguely. You were wanting ideas for a presentation of some sort?”
“Presentation? Blah. Any dullard with a chart and pointer can give a 'presentation'! I'm talking spectacle, here! Something so fantastic and pulsing with charisma that it will knock the socks off of anyone who sees it!”
“And...why do you nee-”
“Why?! WHY?! Do you have any idea what's been happening?!”
“Um, no?”
“We're losing, that's what!”
“Losing? Losing wha-”
“First there was that damn ghost and her walking pillow, then the aliens in the bamboo forest. They were bad enough! But then that other shrine had to show up, and now we've got whole groups of youkai just popping out of the ground!”
“And that's bad?”
“Very bad! Each year that goes by, it seems a whole new group sprouts up, and with each one the status of our Scarlet Devil Mansion is threatened! This situation is unacceptable!”
“So...you're wanting to put on some show to improve your image?”
“Yes! Exactly! As little concern as I usually have for those lowly plebeians, the very thought of them forgetting about the great Scarlet Devil in favor of some filthy hippies is inexcusable! I've killed over lesser insults than that!”
“And so, that's why you're looking for suggestions for what you can do?”
“You got it. So, young man, what ideas do you have to offer? Good ones, I hope.”
“Well, I thought that, maybe, you could all do something like a variety show.”
“Oh~? A variety show?”
“Yeah, you know, have each of you do something that plays to your specialties. You could have your gate guard do a martial arts demonstration, your maid can do something with her knives, the libra-”
“What about me?”
“You, Miss Scarlet?”
“Of course, me~.”
“I see you, m'lady, on stage performing whatever you want. Maybe a dramatic monologue, maybe a classy song and dance routine. You could probably even get your sister in on the act, maybe a duet.”
“I'm liking your idea so far, but...”
“But?”
“I can't help but find it lacking, still. Displays of skill for my staff and gracing the audience with my vocal talents are all well and good, but I am not so full of myself as to think that would be enough. Absolutely no room can be left for anyone to question our supremacy!”
“Ah, of course. That's when we bring out the final act!”
“Ooh, go on~.”
“Obviously, it has to be the biggest part of the show, and so naturally everyone in the mansion will be a part of it, right?”
“Naturally.”
“Okay, so, here's what I think we have you do...we have you and your sister already on-stage, looking like you're taking your final bows, when we then have your maid wheel in your gatekeeper, who is strapped to a table. You and your sister start ripping off the gatekeeper's clothes, while your maid strips down and reveals herself to be wearing a bladed strap-on dildo, which she uses to start fucking the gatekeeper. While she's getting fucked by the maid, the gatekeeper starts fist-fucking you and your sister in your assholes, you and your sister start fucking yourselves with your spears. Then, they lower the librarian down from the rafters on wires, completely naked, while her familiar uses her to demonstrate the Heimlich maneuver. She keeps at it until she manages to crack a couple ribs, rupture a few organs, at which point the librarian starts vomiting up blood by the bucketful, spewing it all over the stage. By this point, the maid, still wearing the razor blade-dildo, is 69ing with the gatekeeper, repeatedly thrusting into her mouth while she eats her out. You and your sister then start hovering in midair over them, and begin eating out each other's assholes. The librarian's still spewing blood and bile all over the place, her familiar has moved on to growing a giant horse-cock which she is furiously stroking over the scene while stimulating her prostate with a crucifix, the maid's eating Chinese, the gatekeeper's eating knives, and you and your sister are tonguing your assholes, and all while you're being showered by blood and puke and demon-jizz.
So, there you all are sucking and fucking and then the librarian dies, her bowels release, and fall all over you. Then you shit in your sister's face, your sister shits in your face, the gatekeeper queefs in the maid's face, and the maid starts peeing like a dog marking her territory.
Then your fairy maids come in, all dressed like preschoolers, and they start rolling around in all the blood and vomit and piss and shit and jizz that's started to collect on the floor, and then the maid and you and your sister join them on the floor, and you all start rubbing yourselves and each other with all that shit and piss and blood, and the demon's back to madly jacking off onto her master's corpse, stopping occasionally to cock-slap her, while your gate-guard's broken free of her bonds and is now going around punching everyone in the gut until they start puking their guts out. So she's punching and your maid and sister and you and your maids are all fucking and sucking and pissing and shitting and puking, and some of you are actually eating and drinking the shit and piss, lapping it up off the floor and off each other, and all of this builds up until you all have one massive, simultaneous orgasm, at which point you all collapse into a giant, naked pile of smelly, slimy, bodies, slathered in your shared fluids and waste. Then, some flash-pots are set off, the few of you who can still stand take one last bow, and then wild dogs are released in the theater to attack anyone who is still there.”

“...I...see...”
“Well, it still has some kinks to work out, but what do you think?”
“I...ah...what? I mean, what?!”
“You...don't like it?”
“Don't li-...what?! How can you ask that?! I'm dumbfounded as to why I haven't killed you, already! I should kill you, already!”
“Oh...”
“I mean, what the hell are you thinking?! What do you even call that?!”
“Simple! It's called The Lunarians!”




“...get the fuck out of my mansion.”
“Yes ma'am.”

>> No. 5017
wat.
>> No. 5018
>>5016
I'd see it, but I'd rather not be attacked by wild dogs. Can I bring a gun?
>> No. 5020
>>5016
When an Aristocrats joke meets Gensokyo.

GOOD. FUCKING. LORD. There are no words.
>> No. 5021
I and six friends who happened to overhear my laughter give you our applause.
>> No. 5022
> “...get the fuck out of my mansion.”

I someday wish to have occasion to use this phrase.
>> No. 5023
There are no words worthy to use in praise of this masterpiece.

Sir, you have achieved something few men dare dream of.
>> No. 5024
The punchline killed me. I'll be thinking of you when I take a dump, dear author.
>> No. 5026
So that's why Scorn hasn't been writing, he was in Gensokyo!
>> No. 5031
I lol'd massively.
>> No. 5032
It amused me, but I didn't get it. Could someone explain?
>> No. 5033
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_aristocrats
>> No. 5035
>>5033
Ah, now I get it. Thanks
>> No. 5158
Maybe it's because I've seen this joke already in multiple incarnations, but I suspected it once I got to the clothes-ripping, and then confirmed it after getting to the bladed strap-on. (Because really, where else would such a device come into play?)

The last pair of lines, however, provide a vast improvement over the original. Also, the wild dogs. I like to think that no one who sat through this survived. (In the event that it took place.)
>> No. 5431
There once was a young night sparrow who loved to sing.
She loved it so much, she would sing anywhere and anytime she could.
She could just sing, and sing, and sing, and she would be happy.
As time went on, word of her singing spread across the land.
More and more people came to listen to her beautiful songs.
Before long, the place she sang at was packed on a nightly basis.
And everyone was happy,

Or so it seemed.

Little by little, bit by bit, the young night sparrow found herself enjoying her singing less and less.
She still sang her little heart out every night, people still came from all over to hear her, and they were all very happy, and yet...

...she was not.

And so, after the curtain fell on yet another successful evening of singing, the little night sparrow called up her agent and arranged to talk with her over some drinks.

“So, what's wrong, kid?” the bunny-eared agent finally asked after the two of them had downed a couple rounds in relative silence.

“It's just...I don't know if I can do this anymore, Tewi.” the young night sparrow confessed.

“What do you mean, kid? Isn't this everything you ever wanted? Playing to a full house every night?” the bunny-eared agent exclaims in surprise.

“It is! It is what I want! It's just...well...” the young night sparrow looks down at her glass. “...I don't know if I want to sing songs like that anymore...”

“Songs like what?” the bunny-eared agent says, with eyebrow raised.

“You know what I mean, Tewi!” the night sparrow says, raising her voice. “Dicks! All I ever sing about is dicks! Dicks here! Dicks there! Dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks! I'm tired of it!”

“Woah, woah, hey, calm down!” says the bunny-eared agent, raising her hands in an attempt to calm down her client. “What's so wrong about singing about dicks? Everyone loves it!”

“But I'm tired of it!” the night sparrow cries. “I want to sing other songs about other things! Like love! I want to sing about love!”

“Great, then!” the agent exclaims. “Sing about love! Love of dicks! People will eat it up!”

“No! I don't want to sing about dicks at all! I want people to take me seriously as a singer!” the night sparrow slams her hands down upon the table.

“Mysty, baby, people do take you seriously as a singer!” the bunny-agent says.

“Do they? Really?” the night sparrow says, barely able to believe her ears.

“Psh, no. Of course not.” the agent snorts. “You sing about dicks, kiddo.”

“See? I knew it!” the night sparrow says, now on the verge of tears. “This is why I can't do this anymore!”

“But so what if they don't! So what if they don't take you seriously as a singer?” the agent says while motioning to the bartender for a couple more rounds. “You're making them happy, aren't you?”

“Well, yeah, b-but-” the night sparrow attempts to reply, but is stopped by her manager's raised hand.

“No buts!” says the agent. “So, you wanted to make people happy with your singing, right? Well, you're making them happy! In that regard, you're doing exactly what you wanted to!”

“B-but!” the night sparrow stammers, but is again shut down by the bunny-eared agent.

“I said no buts!” says the bunny-agent impatiently. “Now then, tell me, do you hate singing?”

“No! Of course not! Never!” the night sparrow responds immediately.

It was true. Singing was the greatest love and joy of her life. She could never even imagine a world in which she hated it. To her, it was as vital as breathing.

“And tell me, then...” the agent continues. “Do you hate dicks?”

“W-well...singing about...” the night sparrow stutters, unsure of herself.

“No. No singing. Just dicks.” the agent says firmly. “Do you hate dicks?”

“Well, no....no, I don't hate them.” the night sparrow says.

It was also true. While she certainly did not love them on the same level the loved singing, the little night sparrow certainly did not hate dicks. Far from it. She actually was quite fond of them!

“So, if you don't hate dicks, would you say you love them? Hmm?” the agent pries.

“Well...see...that is...” the night sparrow stammers.

“Do you love them?! Yes or no?!” the agent says, forcefully slamming her glass down.

“YES! I LOVE THEM, OKAY? I LOVE DICKS! I LOVE DICKS, OKAY?!” the little night sparrow shouts, filling the entire room with the melodious sound of her proclamation.

“So!” the agent says, folding her arms in satisfaction. “What, then, is the problem here? You love making people happy! You love singing! You love dicks! You're making people happy by singing about dicks! How could combining all these things possibly be a bad thing?”

“It's not bad! It's not!” the night sparrow says, her little wings flapping in agitation as she speaks. “But it feels like that's all I'm doing, when I want to do more! I want to do other, bigger things!”

“So do them.” the agent says, simply.

“Huh?” the night sparrow says, confused.

“I said do them. Do these things that involve singing about things other than dicks. If you want to branch out, I'm not stopping you. However...” the agent pauses to down a shot. “...why does that mean you can't still do what you're already doing, if you still enjoy doing it?”

The night sparrow doesn't know how to respond to this.
Her agent had a point, even if she was mostly just trying to keep her meal ticket bringing in money.
Sure, she had grown tired of repeatedly singing about the same thing night after night, but that didn't mean she didn't enjoy it, nor was tired of making people happy with her songs.
But was it really possible? Could she continue singing her old songs about dicks for nothing more than the joy of the act, the subject matter, and the knowledge that others were enjoying it? Even while she was pursuing other venues?

The next night, the young night sparrow took to the stage, her heart no longer burdened. And though her songs remained about dicks, and did not help her to be taken any more seriously than they ever did, she cared not.
After all, she was doing what she loved, and sharing it with the world.
A world that loved her songs, and dicks, almost as much as she did.

And they were all happy.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Uh...that's a great story,Chief."
"It was, wasn't it?"
"Actually, no, Chief. It sucked. It really sucked. I don't even see what it has to do with-”
“Don't you see?! So long as you have love for what you do, it shouldn't matter how you're regarded by others! Love for the work itself is its own reward!”
“But I hate my work here.”
“No one said life as an intern in the Tengu Press Corps was easy, young one.”
“But you said when I applied that it wa-”
“Now then, how about getting me that coffee I asked you to get fifteen minutes ago?”
“You mean before you told me that story?”
“That's the one!"
“I still don't see what that had to do with anything. I just wanted to know why I haven't been allowed to wri-”
“I already explained it to you! What's not to understand?!”
“Well, it's just...I mean, like, the dicks? What was with that? Was it supposed to be a metaphor or som-”
Dicks was a metaphor for dicks. Now stop wasting time and get me that giant ass-fuck coffee I told you to get, or help me you'll be spending the next week as Shameimaru's personal bitch.”
“...yes sir...I...I understand, sir....”
“That's the spirit! Remember! Do what you love!”
“But I said I hate this job.”
“Well, then you're pretty much fucked, aren't you?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I am.”
>> No. 5433
I have been hit in the face with a societal allegory.

For some reason I don't feel any better.

It was funnier when the hidden parallel didn't stare at you through the thin foam and balsa wood of the fourth wall.

But that's, just, like, my opinion, man.

I'm probably just in denial.
>> No. 5434
>>I have been hit in the face with a societal allegory.

Are you sure it was not simply a hand you felt?
I really must apologize for that.
My hands are quite large, you see.
Large and ham-like.
>> No. 5437
Now I'm not even sure what his opinion is.
>> No. 5441
No one ever (ever) fixes up this site;
Try to fight it (fight), but I think that it just might die.
We used to laugh, but now we’re out of our minds,
Until an Admin gave us some clues.

They said, "Hey, you know that empty board
Right behind the front page? Well, we just restored it!”
And in this place, we’re gonna change the pace,
I’ll have you know this is not a ruse!”

But now I can’t make up my mind (mind).
Is this a joke, or an actual sign?
'Cause I'm just so desperate and I really can’t find out
If this is the path to choose.

Wish that day would finally arrive;
We’re so lucky (lucky) now just to be alive,
'Cause any weekend now we’re gonna take a nosedive.
Will someone please fix us soon?!

(It) It can't wait, (no it) it can't wait (oh when).
When are you gonna save us; can’t you see?
They’re runnin' (yes they’re) runnin', They’re a-runnin' from the
Runnin’ from the (T) H they’re runnin’, really runnin’ from the
Runnin' (T) they’re runnin’ from the (T) oh yes, they’re runnin’ from the
TH-P!

In the past I always camped out every day,
Right inside of the thread; when I thought that it just may change,
I pressed my finger up against the key.
You know, I had to just hit F5!

Gonna get me a Touhou and a groom;
Want a brand-new H-scene, until there’s no more room on the web!
All those good times? Fast-approaching doom.
None of them ever will survive!

Guys with tripcodes sleeping in the aisles;
Threads of fags and bitching that go on for miles and miles;
Brand new authors’ stories in a plethora of styles,
Yet their magic is not the same.

Now we talk of motivational tips,
But our great discussions are just nothing but quips.
And the biggest question still on everyone’s lips
Are just these four words: WHO IS TO BLAME?

(It) It can't wait, (no it) it can't wait (oh when).
When are you gonna save us; can’t you see?
They’re runnin' (yes they’re) runnin', They’re a-runnin' from the
Runnin’ from the (T) H they’re runnin’, really runnin’ from the
Runnin' (T) they’re runnin’ from the (T) oh yes, they’re runnin’ from the
TH-P!

They’re runnin' (yes they’re) runnin', They’re a-runnin' from the
Runnin’ from the (T) H they’re runnin’, really runnin’ from the
Runnin' (T) they’re runnin’ from the (T) oh yes, they’re runnin’ from the
TH-P!

Would you look at all that crap...
We’ve got:

Image macros, lazy voters, seven minutes, stupid posters,
Plot stagnation, long vacations, HY worship, lollercoasters,
Where’s my update, masturbating, guy called Wiseman, haters hating,
Zombie voting, poor formatting, elitism, trollers baiting,

Grimdark plot shifts, writers dying, circle-jerking, anons crying,
Sex is bad yo, she’s a Touhoe, YAF came back and shitstorms flying,
Double spoilers, futanari, tired clichés, damn Yukari,
Why’d Ran leave us, sage for worthless, girls preparing; please wait warmly,

Ultra-pointless conversations, total utter lack of patience,
Boring stories, allegories, moralfaggots, author grievance,
Fellatio, I am cumming, Mary Sues and dead thread bumping,
Worthless OCs, youkai moe~, Learn to spellcheck, more shark jumping,

Even IRC faggotry; never learned to take it easy~
Server crashes, vote backlashes, silly hats and girls who’re sleazy,
I’m the strongest, fourth-wall breaking, no proofreading, omelet making,
Shallow H-scenes, tired-out memes, HY left us, jump in lake-ing!

(It) It can't wait, (no it) it can't wait (oh when).
When are you gonna save us; can’t you see?
They’re runnin' (yes they’re) runnin', They’re a-runnin' from the
Runnin’ from the (T) H they’re runnin’, really runnin’ from the
Runnin' (T) they’re runnin’ from the (T) oh yes, they’re runnin’ from the
TH-P!

They’re runnin' (yes they’re) runnin', They’re a-runnin' from the
Runnin’ from the (T) H they’re runnin’, really runnin’ from the
Runnin' (T) they’re runnin’ from the (T) oh yes, they’re runnin’ from the
TH-P!

They’re runnin' (yes they’re) runnin', They’re a-runnin' from the
Runnin’ from the (T) H they’re runnin’, really runnin’ from the
Runnin' (T) they’re runnin’ from the (T) oh yes, they’re runnin’ from the
TH-P!
>> No. 5442
Brilliant! Though I have no clue what song it is, and so don't know just exactly how to read it.
>> No. 5443
I feel bad that I have no clue song this is, but I'm not going to even try guessing because I know I'll be even more off-the-mark than I was the last time.

I feel woefully inadequate.
>> No. 5444
>>5442
>>5443
Shame on you people for not recognizing a Weird Al song. It's Hardware Store.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TNK9Yy3G6g

It seemed familiar at first, but it clicked when I hit the chorus.
>> No. 5445
>>5444

Well.
That's it.
Where do I turn in my badge?
>> No. 5446
>>5441
Oh. My. God.

I love you~! Have my babies~!
>> No. 5476
>>5441
Goddamn, son.
>> No. 5509
>>5441
utter genius
>> No. 5627
“Honey, it's time to wake up.”
“Mmnph, don' wanna.”
“Come on, sleepy-head, you're going to be late for school!”
“Hrrnn...fiiiiiiiiiine...”

Grumbling to yourself, you bid the comfort of your bed farewell, and do as your mother asks.
Out of bed.
Cold floor.
Shuffle to bathroom.
Toilet.
Wash face.
Brush teeth.
Then put on your clothes and rush downstairs for some breakfast.

Some toast with butter and jam.
Glass of milk.
Orange juice.

The usual routine for a usual morning.
If only everything else was “usual” too.

You still remember the day your dad came home from work, happy as can be, telling the whole family how he had just been promoted..
What you didn't find out until later was that promotion was to a position in another town, and your whole family was going to have to move.

You weren't happy about it.
You're still not happy about it.
Why would you be?
Taken away from your friends and everything familiar to you, and thrown into a completely new place?

“Now, you know the way, right?”
“Yes mom.”
“Be sure to look both ways when crossing the street.”
“I know, mom.”
“And don't talk to any strangers!”
“I know, mom.”
“Are you sure you don't need me to walk you there?”
“No, mom!”
“Oh, but you know how much I'm going to worry...”
“I'm a big boy now, mom. I can take care of myself.”

Even if you were going to your new school against your will, you were going to do so on your terms.

And so, with your backpack slung over your shoulder, you head out the door and begin the long trudge to your new school.
Stupid, stupid school

“Oh, honey, it won't be so bad! Who knows, you might even find a girlfriend~!”
That's what your mom thought would comfort you.

A girlfriend?
A girlfriend?!
That's supposed to help you feel better?!

Sheesh.
Parents just don't get it, do they?

Filled with a steady supply of resentment for your situation, you pay little mind to the increasing number of other students also walking along the road, and instead quietly mutter and grumble to yourself.

This is stupid.
Stupid new town.
Stupid new school.
Stupid road.
Stupid entry gate.
Stupid girls in front of the gate.
Talking about stupid girl stuff, you're sure.
Their uniforms aren't even the same. How stupid.

“-ut Sister, I-I can't go all by myself!”
“You'll be fine! It's just down the road, and besides, you're a big girl now!”
“B-but it's scary to go alone! I-I-I ca-can't do it!”
“Look, I know it's scary, but you can do this! I know you can.”
“But...I...can't you come with me?! Pleeease!”
“Sorry, but I really can't, my first class is about to start, and- oh!

Crap! The older of the two spotted you!
Why did you have to stop walking to listen on them?!

“Hey, hello there!” the older girl smiles your way, as the younger rushes to hide behind her. “Now, don't be rude, sis! Say hello!”

The younger girl, still hiding behind the older one's legs, squeaks out a timid greeting, and you find yourself greeting them in turn.
Stupid manners.

Why did you stop?
Why didn't you just keep right on walking by?
It's certainly not because the older girl was so pretty!
Or that the younger one was so cute!
That's just stupid!

Introductions are made, and as if what little bit of conversation you managed to overhear was not enough, it's made abundantly clear that the two girls are sisters
It is also clear that the elder of the two is a student at this school, while the younger is going to the kindergarten down the road.

Why you're sticking around for this, you have no idea.
What really baffles you, however, is what you do next.

“Hey, if you want, I could walk with her the rest of the way.”

The little one squeaks in shock, but the elder sister looks absolutely enthused by the suggestion.

“Did you hear that, Sis? Now you don't have to walk there alone! Isn't that wonderfully kind of him?”
“B-but Sister! I-!”
“Oh, crap! There's the bell! I'll be sure to pick you up after school, okay? Byeeeeee~!”

And just like that, the older sister takes off like a shot towards through the gate and towards the doors to the school, leaving you alone with her little sister, who looks at you nervously.

“Well, c'mon, let's go.”
“Uh, ah, I-I...I dunno...ah...”
“Look, come on! Or we're both gonna be late!”

Tiring of the girl's stammering, you grab her hand and start walking. After a couple seconds of practically being pulled along, she manages to keep in-step with you, and the two of you make your way up the street.

Side-by-side.
Holding hands.
With a girl.

How did it turn out like this?!
Why, despite having absolutely no interest in anyone or anything else in this stupid town, you felt compelled to help this nervous, not-at-all cute girl out?!
Maybe you're possessed or something.
Yeah, that's gotta be it.
Some otherworldly force driving your actions, making you do things you wouldn't normally do.

And is it your imagination, or is she walking just a little bit closer to you than she was before?
Why is it that you don't mind as much as you think you should?!

No, no, this is fine.
This will be fine.
Just get her to school, and you shouldn't have to deal with her ever again.
Yeah, that's the ticket.
Get her there, then that will be the end of it.

In fact, look, there it is!

“Well, look! We made it! See? That wasn't so scary, was it?”
“U-uhm...y-yeah...”
“Well, we're here now, so I guess I'll see you later and-”

You stop as you realize that, despite your attempting to let go of her hand, you're still holding her hand.
Or, rather, she's now the one holding you.

“H-hey...will you...be my f-friend?” she asks, shyly.

What? Her friend?
You only just met, did little more than hold her hand to get her to school, and she wants to be friends? Just because of that?!

“Of course I'll be your friend!” you happily reply.

Wait. What?!
Why are you saying these things?!

Suddenly, the girl releases your hand, and hugs you, tightly.
It tingles.

“Oh th-thank you! Thank you!”
“Yeah, yeah, that's fine. You can let go now!”
“Huh? Oh!”

Realizing what she's doing, she releases you, blushing furiously.

“O-oh! Um, I t-think the teacher is calling me! B-bye!”

And just like that, she zips into the school with a speed matching her sister's.

Finally alone, again, you take the time to actually look at your surroundings.

Yep. It's school.
It's your school.
Your stupid, stupid school.

Stupid building.
Stupid sandbox.
Stupid jungle gym.
Stupid girls on the jungle gym.
Is that one wearing diapers?!
HA! What a kid!

You almost want to laugh, and are about to, when suddenly...
”OW!”
You feel something hit you in the back of the head. Hard.

Turning around, you see another girl standing behind you, her hand in a fist.

“You're my boyfriend now!” she says, angrily.
“What?! No I'm not! OW!

Yeah. She hit you.
And then she hit you again.

“I said you're my boyfriend now!” she repeats.
“But you don't even know m-OW!

And, yet again, she hit you.
Why does she want you to be her boyfriend?!
Why does she keep hitting you!?
And why do you find yourself minding less and less?!

“YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND NOW!” she yells.
“Okay! Okay! I'm your boyfriend now!”

For a moment, she looks as if she was prepared to punch you again for yet another refusal, but stops herself upon realizing what you just said.

“Oh. Well. Okay then!” she says.

And then she hits you again, anyway.

“Hey! What is the meaning of this?!” a voice calls out to you.
Older.
Adult.
A teacher?

“Why are you hitting that boy, young lady?!” the teacher demands, striding up to the two of you.

She sure is pretty.
Even if she's a stupid teacher in a stupid school in this stupid town.
...yeah. She's pretty.
Even if she dresses funny.

“Because! He's my boyfriend!” the girl responds, indignantly.

And then she hits you again.

“Well, would you please stop hitting him?” the teacher asks the girl, as nicely as she can.
“Okay!” the girl happily says, right before hitting you again.

Then, the teacher turns her gaze towards you.
Did she not notice her hitting you?

“Oh! You must be the new transfer student! I'm so glad to see you making friends so soon!”

Why is she not saying anything about the girl hitting you just now?
And the girl just hit you again.
Why isn't this teacher saying anything about that, either?!

“Well, I must go prepare for class, so you two play nicely, and I'll see you inside? Okay? Great!”

And then the teacher disappears into the school, leaving you alone with the girl who is still hitting you.
Having done absolutely nothing to stop the girl from hitting you.
And keep hitting you.
Well, she seems nice and pretty, so you won't say anything about it to her.
Even though getting hit sure does hurt.

“We're going inside now! Hold my hand!” the girl demands.

Not wanting to get hit much more, you comply.


It doesn't work.
She hits you again and again, no less than three more times on your way to the door.
And two more times once you're inside the door.

You stop counting by the time you're in the classroom itself, and forget about it completely once you realize you're face-to-face with your new “friend” from before.
The girl. Who is your friend.

Looking up from the doll she was playing with, she spots you and greets you happily.

“O-oh! Hello, new friend! W-would you like to...ah...”
Having noticed the other girl with you, her smile quickly fades.

“Hey! Stop talking to my boyfriend! He's my boyfriend!” the hitting-girl says, hitting you once as if her fist was a stamp of ownership.

“Bu-but! He's m-my friend!” she stammers, clutching the doll tightly to her chest, and looking as if she were about to cry.

“Too bad! He's my boyfriend! So that means he has to sit with me and not talk to anyone else, ever! Especially girls!” the hitter declares.

“N-no! He's g-gonna sit with m-me!” the doll-girl announces, standing up.

“No! He's going with ME!”
“N-no! M-me!”
ME!
ME!

Each of them taking a surprisingly-firm hold on one of your arms, they begin playing a game of tug-of-war, with you as the rope.
As you are yanked around from one side to the other, you find yourself feeling torn, both physically and mentally.
You feel like you should go with one of them! You feel like you have to!
But you can only go with one!
To go with one means not going with the other!
That's what going with one means!
You can't go with both!
There's just one of you!
But which one?!
Who do you go with?!

You said you would be friends with the girl with the doll first! And she was nice! You guess!
But you told the hitting-girl that you would be her boyfriend! And her hitting hurts! You don't wanna hurt!
If you choose one, the other will be sad!
Or hurt you!
You don't like either of those!
You don't wanna have to choose!
But you have to!
But you have to!
But you have to!
But you have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have tohavetohavetohavetOhavEtOoOooooo


And then you had a brain aneurysm and fell into a coma

Thus, your adventures in school come to a screeching halt.

Maybe you'll wake up a week or so from now, and be able to pick up your life where you left off.
Or maybe you won't.

All you do know is that, somehow, in some way...

School was to blame.


Stupid school.



Stupid, stupid school.
>> No. 5629
>>5627
I'm surprised you took this long to remark on it.
>> No. 5630
>>I'm surprised you took this long to remark on it.

Depends on what you mean by "it".

I suppose, for once, I should explain myself a little.
See, this sprouted from an idea I had for a CYOA that was, in turn, inspired by previous stories that went for the "Touhous in school" deal, as well as some of the "issues" those stories encountered.

Basically, the initial idea was to take the lessons learned from the assorted debates, arguments, and flat-out shitstorms that cropped up during the runs of GA:SD, IPF, and GH, and then do pretty much anything and everything I could to make it worse.

Case in point, the whole "we're going for the teacher because the classmate gives us creepy pedo vibes" thing some people were going on about.
A possible solution to this would be to set the story in college, so there's less of a perceived age gap.
My solution would be to set the whole thing in kindergarten or preschool, thus making any prospect of romance on either side really, really awkward and uncomfortable.

And then force you to pick one or the other.

Unfortunately, due to various factors, I doubt it would really work out, and so it's more or less just one of those silly little ideas I have that is fated to do little more than collect dust in my head.
It's probably for the best.
>> No. 5631
>>5630
It wasn't a belated commentary on GH?
>> No. 5632
>>5631
Specifically? No. That was not my intention.
Bits and pieces are inspired by it, of course, but things like the MC getting latched onto practically the first female he meets and conflicts over "________ versus ________" hardly started with GH, after all.

If it was meant to commentate on anything, it would be "Touhous in school" stories in general.
Or, at least, the three of them that I have read, enjoyed, and watched as they suddenly ground a complete halt for one reason or another.

Of course, that's not exclusive to those stories, unfortunately.
To this day, a small part of me still refuses to accept that WUiG is never going to continue. Or Pirates of Gensokyo. Or, well, I could go on and on, really...
>> No. 5634
>>5632
>Pirates of Gensokyo
Thank you. It feels good to know I'm not the only one on the site who misses that particular story.
>> No. 5638
>>5632
Oh as much as I appreciate the old guard for what they've made, we can't depend on them in the current era.
>> No. 5687
I took my troubles down to Marisa's booth
You know that black-white with the stupid broom
She's got a stall in the village with the longest line
Selling little bottles of Love Potion No. ⑨

I told her I was running out of tricks
She laughed so hard I swore she was shitting bricks
She looked at my panties and she made magic sign
She said "What you need is Love Potion No. ⑨"

She bent down, turned around and gave me a wink
She said "I'm gonna make it up right here in the sink"
It looked like Remi's wine and gave off a terrible stink
I held my nose, I closed my eyes - I took a drink!

I didn't know if it was winter or spring
I started blasting everything
But when I shot the maiden at the local shrine
She broke my little bottle of Love Potion No. ⑨

...

I held my nose, I closed my eyes - I fell asleep!
I didn't know if it was day or night
I slept right through the immortals' fight
But when I woke up at the local shrine
Reimu shoved her gohei right up my behind

I miss the minis.
>> No. 5694
>>5687
>> No. 5801
You can take a lovely nap

You can wear a fancy cap

You can fall into a gap

But you can't ignore my Tenko


You can go up or down

Have a night on the town

In the dark underground

But you can't ignore my Tenko


You can go to the doctor

Try those new shady pills

Play with dolls on the hills

But you can't ignore my Tenko


You can curse, you can swear

Lose yourself in despair

Tell yourself you don't care

But you can't ignore my Tenko


You can trip on my shikigami

Spinning 'round and 'round, our endless schemes, they do confound

You can trip on my shikigami

In the end, I shall not lie, you're probably all going to die~


Do whatever it may take

Just don't fall into the lake

And for everyone's sake

Please don't ignore my Tenko


You can trip on my shikigami

Spinning 'round and 'round, when suddenly, Bad Ends abound

You can trip on my shikigami

In the end, I shall not lie, I think we're all going to die~


You can trip on my

You can trip on my

You can trip on my

You can trip

You can trip

You can trip on my shikigami

You can trip on my shikigami

Let's go~!
>> No. 5810
>>5801
>nuclear war on the dance floor
>no okuu
I am disappoint
>> No. 5935
>>5687 Back with a vengeance~
-------------

I'd like to "thank" the sparrow
Who sung the song
That made me too night-blind to seeeee~

Who put the herp in the herp de derp de derp
Who put the flan in the flan a lan a ding dong
Who put the shoop in the shoop da whoop da whoop
Who put the bun in the bunbunmaru

Who was that man?
I'd like to offer him a beer
He made my baby shoot danmaku at meeeee~

Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh

When my baby heard
Herp de derp de derp de derp derp!
Every knife went right into my heart~

And when she heard me singing
Flan a lan a lan a lan a ding dong!
She shouted "Love Colored Master Spark~!!"

Soooooooooooooooooo

Who put the herp in the herp de derp de derp
Who put the flan in the flan a lan a ding dong
Who put the shoop in the shoop da whoop da whoop
Who put the bun in the bunbunmaru

Who was that person?
I'd like to see their face
They've managed to survive my route for this loooong~

Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh

Each time that we're alone
Gapagapagapagapagoddammityukari!
Sets my baby's twitching fingers all agloooow~
And every time we fight to
Eggsy eggsy eggsy eggsy eggs!
She always says she hates me soooo~ (So mean!)

Soooooooooooooooooo

Who put the herp in the herp de derp de derp
Who put the flan in the flan a lan a ding dong
Who put the shoop in the shoop da whoop da whoop
Who put the bun in the bunbunmaru

Who was that woman,
Who claimed she was eternally seventeen?
She broke the boundaries of my reality!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh
>> No. 5936
>>5687
>>5935
Rhyme and meter are way off, but taking a shot at 60s songs gets you points in my book.
>> No. 6289
Send your bunnies!
There's no man or youkai who can stop me!
And you'll soon see
I've come for vengeance,
For the shame that you brought,
And I'm ready, and I'm willing, and I'm prepared to...

Send me the best you've got!
Send me your strongest lackeys!
The prize my father lost...
Your life belongs to me!

Goddamn rabbits!
Those of you I've burned!!
Drop and roll on the ground!
Scurry back! Tell your princess,
She'll have her turn!

Send me the best you've got!
Send me your strongest lackey!
The prize my father lost...
Your head belongs to me!

Is this the best she's got?!
Is this her strongest lackey?!
Now with one flaming shot,
She'll see what vengeance means!

The shadows, they cover your face,
Yet your hair shines, unlike mine.
Step forward!
Step into the light!
If you're ready, and you're willing, and you're prepared to fight!

So be it! Send your killers!
There's no man or youkai who can stop me!
And you'll soon see,
I've come for vengeance,
For the pain of that night,
And I'm ready, and I'm willing, and I'm prepared to fight!

Show me the best you've got!
Show me your strongest attack!
The prize my father lost!
Your life will end with me!

Is this the best you've got?!
Are these your strongest lackeys?!
Now with one blazing shot,
You'll see what vengeance means!
>> No. 6822
“Let me tell you what 'Like a Night Sparrow' is about. It's all about how much a whore of a girl who digs dicks. The entire song. It's a metaphorical love ballad for big dicks.”

“No, no, it's about how a girl who is very vulnerable! She's really shy, and doesn't know how to express her feelings! She feels so alone, and always neglected, but the one day she falls for the only one who has ever looked at her-”

“Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Time out, Moonbunny. Tell that bullshit to the fucking rabbits. 'Like a Night Sparrow' isn't about this sensitive girl who meets a nice fella-”

“Actually, it's another girl she meets.”

“Fella, girl, whatever. Like I was saying-”

“Also, my sources say it's Mokou.”

“Who?”

“You know, the immortal? Long hair? Red pants? I wrote all about her, here, I think I have a clipping-”

“No, I mean, what are your sources?”

“...what do you mean?”

“Well, how do we know you didn't just make that up, like you usually do?”

“I will have you know that I only ever report the truth, and nothing but the truth!”

“So, who's your source?”

“...I am not at liberty to divulge that information, as confidentiality is of the utmost importance in building the bond between reporter and their-.”

“So, right. You made it up.”

“I did not!”

“Would you two shut the hell up?! You're making me lose my train of thought here, now what was I fucking...”

“Night Sparrow. Metaphor. Dicks.”

“Right, right. Dicks. Thanks, Taters, or whatever your name is...”

“Mm. Whatever. Don't talk to me.”

“Anyway, let me tell you what what 'Like a Night Sparrow' is about. It's about the slutty little bird with a major-league cock-addiction. We're talking dicks on the brain with this chick. We're talking morning, day, night, noon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.”

“Um, how many dicks is that?”

“Well, there was one, then two, then three, and four, and...uh...”

“Miss Utsuho, just say 'a lot'.”

“Oh, okay! A lot!”

“Then, one day, she meets this guy hauling a rod in his pants like something you'd see at Moriya Shrine. We're talking a Pillar of Faith that could be its own goddamn deity if it wanted.”

“Ooh~! Juicy~! Juicy~! I can see the headline now! Newsflash! Moriya Shrine Overtaken by Massive God-Phallus! Is Youkai Mountain in danger of a new kind of eruption?!

“Oh my~! That would be more misfortune than I could ever hope to-”

“Will you shut the fuck up and let me finish?”

“Finish, what? Your whole point is that the sparrow wants dicks.”

“And? You can't tell me you can listen to that song and not see that's what it's about.”

“You sure you're not just seeing it how you want to see it?”

“Ooh~! Irony~! Irony~!”

“Will you shut up?”

“Well, I think Miss Inaba is right! It's so much nicer to think of it like a young maiden finding her happiness after all that time of heartbreak and loneliness!”

“Feh. Happy endings. Unrealisti-HEY!”

“Ooh~! Whatcha writing? Whatcha writing?”

“None of your- oof! Give it back, Aya!”

“Hey, hey! Just kidding~!”

“Then give it back!”

“Nope~! You wanted to come along, then you have to par-ti-ci-pate!”

“I am participating!”

“Like hell you have, Tengu. All you've been doing since you got here is is beeping away with your little thingy there. What the hell is that thing, anyway?”

“It's her camera! Wanna see? Catch!”

“What?! Don't!”

“Too slow~!”

“Eugh! Damn it, Shameimaru! Er, Miss Nue, would you give me that back?”

“Hmm? You want this back? Then say the magic word~!”

“Um, please?”

“'Please' what?”

“Is this really necessary? Can't you just give it back to her?”

“This is for her own good! Even Tengu aren't exempt from displaying proper manners, little bunny.”

“But things like you are exempt?”

“Hey, I can be perfectly polite. It's just more fun not to be. Soooooo, what's the word, Hottentot?”

“Ugh! Fine! Can I please have my camera back? Please?!”

“Very good~! But, no.”

“What?! But I-”

“Your speed-freak partner is right, all you've been doing is fiddling with this thing since you got here, and all the noise is fucking annoying.”

“She is NOT my partner!”

“That's right! 'Sidekick' is a much more accurate description.”

“Oh, as IF!”

“Would you prefer 'intern'?”

“I'll 'intern' you!”

“Ooh~! Witty! Witty!”

“Shut up! SHUT UP!”

“Ahh, it truly warms the heart to see such good friends getting along as they do!”

“Miss Hina, jokes like that aren't going to help matters.”

“Hm? Jokes?”

“Okay, seriously, nue. Give it back.”

“Nope~! It's my camerathingy now~!”

“You don't even know what it is, and- GAH! Don't do that!”

“Hey, Miss Tengu! Do you want me to blow her up! I can do that!”

“Yes! Burn her! Burn her!”

“Okie-dokie!”

“Oh, just try it~! I know I can take the heat, but can this little thingy? I wonder~!”

“Huh?! W-wait! WAIT! Don't burn her! DON'T BURN HER!”

“Huh? ...awww, phooey.”

“Oh, settle down, Hotpot. I'll give it back to you when we're done here. If you're lucky, you'll even still be able to recognize it!”

“Don't you DARE-”

Hmmmmmmmmm~?

“...er, ah, nothing.”

“Heh. Smooth, Hatate.”

“Shut up, Aya.”

“Oh my, we've been here for quite some time, haven't we? Do you suppose we should leave our hostess a donation to show our gratitude?”

“Good idea, Miss Curse Sponge! Hey, Hot-Tatas, you think Hakurei would like this little doodad? I think she'd like it.”

“What?! No!”

“Nah, don't bother. It's not like she does anything to deserve donations, anyway.”

”I heard that, Aya!”

Just kidding, Reimu~!. ...but, no. She really doesn't.”

“Oh, my. What about you, Miss Reisen?”

“Hmph. Even if Master paid me, I wouldn't give any of it to a murderer.”

“Ooh? You're still mad about that? Do I smell a scoop? Rogue Rabbit Seeks Revenge on Bunny-Eating Shrine Maiden! Insanity-soaked massacre at the Hakurei Shrine!” Ooh~! Yes! Yes! I smell awards for this!”

“W-what?! No! I wouldn't-”

“Don't worry, ma'am. As a reporter, I will do everything in my power to ensure your story is told in a properly fair and balanced manner!”

“B-but! I'm not going to-”

“Now, when you do plead insanity, will you justify it with just your overpowering rage at her actions, or do you think you can work something in there about how your employer has treated you?”

“What?!”

“Nothing too explicit, of course! Just something about how you've been abused. Maybe used in as a test subject in some crazy experiments? More than enough rumors for such claims to be credible, or at least believable. Good way to get sympathy from the public, too.”

“But Master would never-!”

“Now, now! Take it easy! I'm on your side, Miss! I happen to be a strong advocate against animal abuse! You no longer have to suffer in silence now that I'm here to share your story with the world!”

“Nooo! Don't! There is no story!”

“...oh my. What about you, Miss Okuu? Do you have anything to offer?”

“Huh? Um, well...no. Mama didn't give me my allowance this week because I didn't clean my room like I was supposed to.”

“Oh dear. It's still a mess, I take it?”

“Nope! It's all gone!”

“Hm? Then, why is it you did not receive your allowance?”

“Uh, well, I kinda used my power to do it, and some of the room kinda...um...melted.”

“...oh my.”

“What about you, Neckstrap? You're so set on the idea, why don't you donate something?”

“Oh, dear, I would love to. Alas, I do not have anything in the way of money to give. If I did, I most certainly would-”

'Uh-huh. Right. You're broke. Gotcha.”

“Ah! But I could do something else!”

“Oh, here we go...”

“Ooh, thinking of removing some misfortune?”

“Oh my, no! I would do a dance!”

“Er...dance?”

“Oh yes! It is most enjoyable! See, I begin swaaaaying baaaack and foooorth, and then she'll start swaaaaaaaying baaaaack and foooooorth toooooo~! Then I'm swaaaaaaying and she's swaaaaaaying, and we're both swaaaaaaaaaaaying~ and then all of those silly little problems with just go floating away~! Float, float, floooooatiiiiing~!”

“That's a dance?”

“Oh yes, a most wonderful dance! It becomes even more fun when you start spinning, too~!”

“That sure sounds, uh, interesting?”

“Would you care to try~?”

“No thanks.”

“Aw, that's too bad.”

“C'mon, Miss Inaba! Give it a try! It might be just the thing you need to get rid of some of that pent-up rage you have bubbling underneath. Let it out! Before it's too late!”

“There isn't any rage!”

“Come on! Give it back, already!”

Noooope~!”

“You're sure? You sound like you're getting angry.”

“I'm not!”

“Please! PLEASE!”

“Nuh-uh~!”

“Really?”

“Really!”

“I'm hungry.”

“Give it back!”

“Try to take it, if you can!”

“Why you-”

WILL YOU IDIOTS GO HOME ALREADY?!

“Ooh! Scary! Scary!”

“Well, that's my cue! Later, bitches!”

“What?! Hey! Wait! Get back here with that!”

“Ooh, a chase? I smell a photo op!”

“Well, I suppose it is getting a bit late, and...AH! My deliveries! Oh no, Master's going to scold me... Gotta hurry! Gotta hurry!”



“...honestly, can't I have just one day of peace and quiet here? I swear, they love making fun of-...hm? Why are you still here?”

“Would you care to have that dance?”

“No.”

“Go out for a spin?”

“NO.”

“How about-”

“Go HOME, Hina.”

“Oh, very well. Spinning~, spinning~, fortune's spinning~”

“Honestly, don't they have anything better to do with their time?”

“I don't!”

“GAH! What are you still doing here?!”

“Ummm, well, I kinda forgot how to get home.”

“...you're joking, right?”

“Nope! Can I stay here until I remember?”

“No, really. This is a joke, right?”

“I have an egg! You can have it if you want!”

“Seriously, this isn't fu-...wow. That's, uh, that's a big egg.”

“Uh-huh!”

“And you could, er, cook it? Right?”

“Huh? Well, yeah! That's easy!”

“...right this way, then.”

“Yay!”







That was the Prismriver Sisters with “I Left My Heart in Hakugyokurou”, followed by Scarlet Clock Tower's “Despair Grows (When the Wing Crystal Glows)” as K-Sumi's Swingin' Sounds in the Underground weekend just keeps on...swinging.[/i]
>> No. 6823
>>6822
Spin spin spiiiiin and make the world go round~!
>> No. 6825
I'm bad at these sorts of stories... who was the person that wouldn't shut up about dicks?
>> No. 6826
>I think I've become more than a little rusty at this.
I didn't notice~
>> No. 6828
>>6825
Nue. She was the coarse speach nicknamer.
>> No. 6829
>>6828
>>6826

In hindsight, it's rather appropriate that someone would have trouble identifying her.
>> No. 6831
>Fair and Balanced

So instead of Fox News, it's Crow News?
>> No. 6851
>>6831
>Fox News
>unfair and unbalanced
>> No. 6852
>>6851
Oh, come on. Everyone knows that Fox has a strong pro-Chen bias.
>> No. 6885
>>6852

And why is that a problem?
>> No. 8994
“Next applicant, please.”

“O-oh, um, yes, that would be-”

“Yes, yes, have a seat.”

“Er, um...right.”

“Now then, Miss...?”

“Oh! White! Lil-”

Miss White, then. Yes, yes. Now, before we begin this interview, would I be correct in stating that you are a fairy?”

“Y-yes?”

“Is that a question or an answer?”

“Yes! I-I-I mean, ah, yes. Yes, I am a fairy.”

“Mmhm. Very good. Fairies comprise a sizable portion of our staff here, as you may be aware. Furthermore, they perform a variety of tasks vital to our operations.”

“Ah, yes, I am aware of that.”

“Is there a particular position for which you wish to be considered?”

“I'm sorry?”

“We currently have a number of positions which we are seeking to fill, each with their own duties. Clerical and custodial work, primarily, but there are others. My question for you is which, if any, you have a preference for.”

“Oh. Well, um...I guess...”

“Take your time.”

“Thanks. Well, I guess...I don't really know.”

Hmm.

“W-well! It's just, um, I guess I just assumed you would decide what kind of work I would be best for.”

“Mm. Well, Miss White, that depends entirely upon you, your ability, and to what extent you are able to perform the tasks given to you.”

“Oh...”

“...what can you do, Miss White?”

“O-oh! I can announce that Spring has come!”

“Mm-hm. 'Ability to the extent of announcing that Spring has come.' Yes, I see...”

“Ah, um, sorry, but that's not right.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Well, it's just, that stuff you wrote down? That's not-”

“That is what you said, was it not?”

“Um, no, I said I can announce that Spring has come.”

“Your ability is to the extent of announcing that Spring has come. Yes. It is a fine ability for a fairy to have.”

“But that's not what I-”

Miss White.

“Y-yes?”

“Can you or can you not announce that Spring has come?”

“Yes! That's what I said-”

“And that is the extent of your ability?”

“...I don't even know what that means!”

“Allow me to clarify, then. You claim to be able to announce that the season of Spring has arrived, but is that the extent of your ability?”

“Huh?”

“For example, though you may be able to announce the arrival of Spring, can you also announce its passing? Or, for that matter, the arrival of any other season besides Spring? Furthermore, are your announcements limited only to those times in which it is already Spring, or are you capable of announcing Spring's arrival prior to said arrival?”

“I...I don't know...I just...I say it's Spring, and it's Spring....”

“If you cannot do anything beyond those narrow confines, that it is accurate to state that your ability is to the extent of announcing the Spring has come. No more, no less.”

“But-”

“There is nothing wrong with that, mind you. We all have our roles, and abilities. Just as a Magician's abilities extend to the ability to use magic, non-Magician's abilities might not extend to the ability to use-”

“H-hold on! That doesn't make any sense!”

“...I beg your pardon? What does not make sense?”

“That thing you said! That...'Magician extends ability to...magic'...”

The ability to the extent of using magic. Yes, it is a normal ability for a Magician to have. What of it?”

“But...that's not an ability!”

“...Miss White, are you trying to suggest that Magicians are unable to use magic?”

“No, of course not!”

“Then how is it in any way inaccurate to state that their ability is to such an extent that they are capable of using magic?”

“But...their ability is to use magic!”

“Yes, and that is because their ability is to the extent that enables them to do so.”

“Then why don't you just say they have the ability to use magic?”

“Because that is neither the correct nor accurate way to express the extent of their abili-”

FUCK the 'extent of their ability'!”

Miss White, that language is not appropriate, least of all for an applicant on a job interview.”

“Ah, um, s-sorry! Sorry! I just...um, kinda lose my temper sometimes...sorry.”

“I will overlook it this time, but if you wish to work here you would do well to avoid such outbursts in the future.”

“Right, sorry, sorry...”

“Now then, with your ability being to the extent of announcing the arrival of Spring...”

“...ngh...”

“...we must consider what tasks you might be suited for, provided your ability to announce is to such an extent...”

“...hnngh...”

“...that you may be capable of announcing things other than the arrival of Spring. Perhaps the announcement of the arrival of memos would not extend past the extent of....”

“...it's SPRING! My ability is to announce the coming of SPRING! That's my ability! That's what I DO! Just like a Magician uses MAGIC! That's their ability! Using magic! Next, you'll be telling me that immortal lady's ability isn't 'being immortal'!”

“Miss Fujiwara? Of course not. Her ability is to the extent of neither aging nor dying.”

“That's the SAME THING!”

“Hardly. My statement speaks to the extent of her ability as it pertains to her immortality. Furthermore-”

“But that's what being 'immortal' IS! You don't age or die!”

“Of course that is what it means to be immortal.”

“Then why don't you just say immortality is her ability?!”

“Because that does not correctly convey the proper meaning of-”

FUCK THE 'CORRECT AND PROPER' MEANING! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!”

“It makes perfect sense if you understand the intent behind-”

“It sounds STUPID!”

“That is purely subjective.”

“NO ONE fucking talks like that! NO ONE!”

“I believe I more than disprove that assertion.”

“THEN STOP FUCKING TALKING LIKE THAT!”

“Miss White, I believe we have nothing more to discuss.”

“Is that your ability?! Is that it?! The ability to the extent of talking about the extent of abilities to the fucking extent of-

“Thank you for your application, we shall keep it on file and will contact you if we have any need for-”

How about we just say my ability is to the extent of FUCK YOU? How about that?! How about the ability to BURN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE DOW-

Komachi.

“On it, boss!”

HEY! The FUCK are yo-

"C'mon~! Time to go!"

"FUmmph!"



“...honestly. Kids these days. Now then, let us see...hm? Ah, my apologies. I did not realize we had another applicant. Please, have a seat, Miss...?”

The dame sat across her desk like a judge on a tall judgy thing judges sit on, waiting to do that think that judges do. Which is jogging. Or juggling. Or maybe both. In a city like this, you have to know to multitap to survive...
>> No. 8995
Ability to the extent of waking up cats with laughter.
>> No. 9008
The irony of the matter is that as soon as you read “Ability to the Extent of Not Being Read”, it stops being accurate. It is only accurate if no one reads it, which it itself cannot do, thus it does not actually have such an ability. If it did have the ability to the extent of not being read, it would be able to prevent readers from reading it, which then defeats the purpose of stating its ability in such a way to begin with, as no observer would be able to observe or even comprehend the fact that it has an ability at all.

Ability to the Extent of Falling Down in the Forest When No One Is Around…
>> No. 9011
>>9008
Does the fact that I have not read it (nor did I even notice it until your post) prove that it does have that ability then?
>> No. 9022
This whole mess is a mix of ZUN being his drunken self and austic weeaboos who think they know better.

But this is a brilliant short.
>> No. 9096
Oh, for crying out loud.
I was sure that the short was just the writefag's twisted fantasy, but I just checked the english wiki, and he's right. It's really written "Ability to the extent of announcing that spring has come".

I don't know if I should laugh or cry.
>> No. 9170
>>9096
Hahhahahahaha. This short just became a thousand times funnier.

Thanks for pointing this out.
>> No. 9188
>>“The dame sat across her desk like a judge on a tall judgy thing judges sit on, waiting to do that think that judges do. Which is jogging. Or juggling. Or maybe both. In a city like this, you have to know to multitap to survive...”

Is this Cirno from "Do The Right Thing"?
>> No. 9190
>>9188
very well likely after Okuu nuked her.
>> No. 9197
>>9188
>There was something disturbingly familiar about the note on the desk. The paper was full of black feathers.
>CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW
>The nuclear blast washed the lies away. My whole life was but an article in an overpriced two-pages tabloid: words hanging still in the air like danmaku, pointless repetition of the same situations over and over again, personalities reduced to a single trait, the illusion of choice present in every post.
>I was in a story board. Funny as Hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of.
>> No. 9213
>>9197