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353 No. 353
So I find myself in a pit of snakes. I suppose that in and of itself isn't out of the ordinary, all things considered. But that wouldn't be interesting at all, now would it? Turns out the snakes all have guns.

But Kanako, you might ask me, how can a snake hold a gun when it lacks a pair of hands? It certainly is a valid question, as a snake holding a gun would defy all manner of common sense. Yeah, well, as my Sanae would say,

"You can't let yourself be trapped by common sense in Gensokyo, right?"

I wonder if she's started teaching the local fauna strange things on the sly. Because this mob of gun-toting snakes certainly defies all logic. ...I feel like I've already gone over this once before.

I can even see the wires holding them u--

Shit, you know what? Pretend I didn't say anything. Or think it, or narrate it, for that matter. As readers, you're not supposed to know that this is all merely an act. Or story, written by some poor slob sitting at his computer. Makes you wonder, eh? About existence as a whole. Do I exist? Am I merely a figment of somebody's imagination? And what of my free will? I seem to have none whatsoever when you lot take over.

The pondering won't get rid of these snakes, though.

> ENTER COMMAND

>> No. 354
>Hide in the box ASAP.
>> No. 355
[X] Unleash your inner weasel and kick their asses.
>> No. 356
[x] Grab the closest snake, and hold it as a hostage while you try to look for a way out.
>> No. 357
I first think to hide from them. An average snake's vision is terrible by comparison to, say, a human. Or a God. Sadly, this is a snake pit, and the only thing in it is snakes. Snakes with assault rifles.

Wait, didn't they have just handguns a minute ago?

I wonder if, rather than being caused by Sanae, it may be another one of Yukari's evil little plots. Regardless, I--

Hey, >>355, are you paying attention? I've already been labeled as Kanako in the first post! Why would a God aligned with snakes have weasel powers? For that matter, who would want something so lame anyway? Have you ever seen a weasel before? They're butt ugly! I can't believe that--

Ehem.

So I grab the snake nearest me. The weapon, being held up by strings, continues to defy common sense and now the laws of gravity, and stays afloat in mid air. The snake, too stunned to speak, hisses and thrashes about violently. It tries to fling it's feces in my face, though due to a much appreciated miscalculation of trajectory, it covers it's own buddies instead.

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 358
[X] Bite the snake's head off, and consume its innards so as to gain its power.
>> No. 359
I bite off the snake's head without a second thought. I feel like the motherfucking prince princess god of darkness, though I don't seem to have gained so much as an ounce of power.. Looks like a God's only form of real sustenance is faith, not snake heads. I find myself mildly thankful, though it doesn't seem to help that my actions seem to have angered all these rocket launcher-toting snakes.

You know what, I won't question it this time. They can have whatever the hell kind of guns they want.

From the bleeding stump of the snake's body grows three more heads. While the writer goes to take a bathroom break, I scan Wikipedia for some much needed knowledge. Turns out this snake is actually a hydra, more commonly known in writefag-ese as a plot device.

But until he returns, we won't know exactly what the plot in question is. My, does this story just write itself or what?

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 360
[X] Cry like the little girl you are
>> No. 362
Now why would I ever do something so foolish like break down and cry like a girl in front of a bunch of snakes in F-16s? Really now, that's just beyond insanity. Even the writer refuses to write it..

What?

I have to?

Are you sure?

Damn. Well, it looks like I have to do whatever the voters request, so..

Boo hoo. I'm crying like the little girl I am. Waah, waah.

How's that for honest acting? The snakes seem convinced. I should win an Oscar. Or, considering that this is a work of written fiction, a Pulitzer.

Suddenly, by some act of God--meaning, I climbed the fuck out--I find myself standing magnificently and victoriously behind the Moriya Yasaka shrine. Yes, it's been officially turned over to me thanks to Suwako having gone completely insane. It might also be prudent of me to inform you folks that it was by her hand I was thrown into a pit of snakes in F-22s. And now, thanks to their quickly evolving repertoire of weaponry, they've taken to the skies.

Yes, the skies of Gensokyo are now filled with snakes in F-22s. They not only own the sky, but can turn on a dime. You know, Macross Zero style. And the hydra in my hand says, "Hey, sis, buy me a drink will ya? I'm freakin' parched here!"

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 364
[X] Laugh at the amount of service the F-22 requires per hour of flight.
>> No. 366
Ignoring the hydra in my clenched fist, I begin to laugh. Those foolish snakes! Don't they realize the F22--

But my eyes turn back to the sky with horror.

The snakes are all riding on top of nuclear missiles!

"Did somebody say nuclear?!" Says the voice of a bubbly young woman behind me. "Because I know a lot about nuclear stuff!"

"Nobody said anything." I reply, wondering how it's possible she could've read my narrative. Being a God, it's only natural that by being omnipresent I'm free to step outside the bounds of the fourth wall. However, to have another character do the same is--

Oh, it's just Okuu. Never mind. It's not like she's important to the story or anything. I suppose the author just had her show up because he likes her or something. I almost feel sorry for him, really. So lonely~

"You should be nicer to him." She says, proving yet again that she is perfectly capable of breaking the fourth wall as well. "He might punish you."

"A human? Punish a God?" I laugh. "Absolutely preposterous!"

"Oh, hey, snakes!" She and her sudden bout of attention deficit disorder break off the conversation. It's convenient, in a way. "What're they doing?"

"Riding around in star destroyers, by the looks of it." But how some fictional dorito-shaped spacecraft is a step up from nuclear missile is beyond my reckoning. The author probably thinks something like, 'the bigger the better'. I will refrain from making jokes about the size of his manhood only for the sake of keeping this running.

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 367
[x] Say "Screw this" and go pick on Suwako
>> No. 368
Fuck it, this is getting too weird. The author must've lost it when the boards collapsed. I guess I'll go play with Suwako.

I step inside the shrine, heading directly for her room as I curse under my breath and formulate a plan of action in case she isn't there. Namely, I'll beat up the author until he retcons her in.

"Hey, Suwako!" I call out upon seeing her. She looks up slowly.

"Damn, you're alive." She mutters, "I thought for sure the snakes would get ya."

"You threw a snake into a pit of snakes. What did you think would happen?" A small flaw in her plan, but one that allowed me a window of opportunity to escape. "But while we're on the subject, would you mind doing something about the mess you've made before the snakes amass an arsenal powerful enough to kill the lot of us?"

"..." She seems confused, like this was something she hadn't quite factored in. "What..?"

"You gave the snakes guns, Suwako. Guns on strings. And now they're flying around in star destroyers!"

"Really?" Her eyes light up. "Oh, I've gotta see this!"

And with that, she jumps up and runs out of the room.

"I'm still thirsty, sis.." Says the hydra, notably more aggravated than before.

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 371
[x] Get the hydra something to drink. At least you owe him that much after biting his head off.
>> No. 372
[x] Get the hydra something to drink. At least you owe him that much after biting his head off.
>> No. 433
In an effort to silence the little three-headed bastard, I get it something to drink. But looking in the fridge, all we seem to have is milk and WHAT THE FUCK SUWAKO I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR GODDAMNED BUGS OUT OF THE FREEZER.

Shocked by the sudden discovery of Suwako's nasty little stash of snack food mealworms, I decide it's high time for a crusade. As the single sane member of the household--Sanae has since lost hers after the events of Mountain of Faith--I try to keep the house, and especially the fridge insect free. Suwako, having been insane from the start, seems to believe that she's part or entirely frog. This has led to a number of issues, namely the one I'm seeing right before my eyes.

AND FOR GOD'S SAKE SHE WAS KEEPING THEM RIGHT NEXT TO MY FUDGE POPS!

That's it, I'm gonna kill her. For those of you just tuning in, here's a recap:

The skies are filled with snakes in ever evolving weapons of mass destruction, I have a now slightly less thirsty hydra in my hand, and THAT BITCH SUWAKO IS GONNA DIE. The capital letters are solely for emphasis however, and I'm quite calm.

Suddenly, the author decides it's time for a character switch, and I'm supposed to fall unconsious mid-senten--

----------

Well, this is interesting. Seems the idiots on the surface have started a whole hell of a lot of ruckus. Though, the text above dictates the situation, I should probably be clear as to what exactly has happened.

But I won't. I don't see why I should explain myself to a bunch of peons like you. If you really want to know, you'll have to resort to random guessing or--

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 436
[X] Tug at your third leg.
>> No. 438
[X] Eat a peach.
>> No. 440
[X] Tug at your third leg.
-[X] Then use it to open fire on the nearest passerby.
>> No. 442
You know what? Screw you guys. I don't have to do a damn thing you say! And you there, that author guy! You can go eat shit for all I care! I'll enter my own command and you're all gonna like it! For that matter, it's not like you're even close to the correct character. Do you really think I'm anything even close to that bird-brained idiot?! What insolence! I should have the lot of you drawn and quartered!

So what I'm gonna do is, I'll go down to the surface world and make a mess of things! Pour gasoline onto the proverbial fire. It's always more interesting that way! And for God's sake don't even think about questioning why a Celestial like myself would know a think about gasoline!

Sword in hand, I fly down from the clouds to incite yet another riot. No longer caring to cover up my character, I level the shrine on the mountain in a matter of seconds! I think the God inside it was just starting to wake up, too. But she's dead now, and there's nothing you can do about it.

But much to my dismay, the bird-brained idiot from Hell taps me on the shoulder.

"Was that really necessary?" She asks, failing to address me properly as a far superior being. It's so annoying!

"Yes. Absolutely." I respond, though a half-beast like her hardly is deserving of such a courtesy. "Now, rather than question my actions, why don't you go dig a hole and bury yourself?"

"You're mean.." Oh, look! She's gonna cry! Ha! What a moron!

> ENTER COMMA--

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KNOCK THAT OFF! I'm in charge here! I make the decisions! Just roll over and die, you bits of human filth! That's right! You heard me, you damn shut-ins! This is my story now, and everyone else is just along for the ride! Though I suppose it wouldn't hurt to humor you lot a bit.

> E-Enter.. Command...?
>> No. 444
[x] Get beaten up by Yukari. Enjoy it.
>> No. 445
[X] Move out to the country, and eat a lot of peaches.
>> No. 447
[X] My god, you are a bitch. You're a disgrace to Celestials the world over! If I had my way, I'd have you bent over my knee, and I'd have a paddle in hand! You would get such a paddling!
-[X] What I'm saying is this: get out. You're not worth our attention, you degenerate scum. The only reason anyone even likes you is because they like your peaches.
--[X] Even Iku. She just wants to eat your peaches. She's actually fed up with you, and hates you, no matter what she may tell you.
----[X] Bitch.

God damn Tenshi.
>> No. 450
But I wait and wait and wait, and.. God-DAMN you bastards are slow! It's not interesting when you're this slow! What, did I scare you off or something? I mean, come ON! I give you the opportunity to request that I do something interesting, and then you just sit there with googly eyes and expect the person next to you to post something?!

I demand that you put up something within ten seconds of the latest update! TEN. SECONDS! If you don't I'll just do whatever the hell I want. The rest of you be damned! This time, I'm going to take a trip over to Reimu's place and level it.

I'll make the earth shake and split until the only thing left of her pitiful little run-down hovel of a shrine are splintered bits of rotting wood! The earth wi--

Oh, my. I see you lot have finally developed some manner of a collective spine. Perhaps I have been too hasty. Though, considering that this is now my story and that I am in charge of what happens, no >>444, I will not submit myself to something so ridiculously pointless. And >>445, I am sick and tired of eating peaches all day. You're free to eat as many of them as you want until you explode. I don't particularly care what happens to the heavens anymore.

Ah, >>447, it would seem that I may have gotten under your skin. Good. I'll see to it personally that you are made miserable by my every action. Pardon me while I laugh at your pitiful excuse of an attempt to cause me grief. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Though I suddenly find myself reminded by the fact that Bhava-agra is little more than a giant keystone. The opportunity for mischief this knowledge brings is so immense and varied that I can hardly contain my laughter.

And thus, I turn to you, you mass of commoner scum. I wonder, what should I do with it~?

> ENTER REQUEST
>> No. 452
[X] Marry me.
>> No. 454
[x] Slam that fucker into the Scarlet Devil Mansion. After all that vampire is pretty damn arrogant.
>> No. 456
[X] My god, you are a bitch. You're a disgrace to Celestials the world over! If I had my way, I'd have you bent over my knee, and I'd have a paddle in hand! You would get such a paddling!
-[X] What I'm saying is this: get out. You're not worth our attention, you degenerate scum. The only reason anyone even likes you is because they like your peaches.
--[X] Even Iku. She just wants to eat your peaches. She's actually fed up with you, and hates you, no matter what she may tell you.
----[X] Bitch.
>> No. 464
I'll pretend I didn't see that, >>452. You're far too low on the food chain to make such a foolish request.

But yes, that vampire house stands out far too much. As do the smelly residents. Undead are smelly, you see. I like you, >>454. You may yet prove to be somewhat worthwhile, though nothing more than a piece of worthwhile burnable garbage.

So rather than make my way down to the mansion normally, I feel that it would be much faster to destroy what remains of this puny fourth wall that some stinking goddess punched holes in several times already than to type out a lengthy and detailed picture of the scenery. Gensokyo is nothing but trees and filthy sub-humans, after all. So why don't you just picture something with those?

And here I am at last, in front of the humble little abode where the midget sleeps.

"Who're you calling midget?!" Calls out a shrimpy little voice from somewhere up on high.

Ahead of me, a garish red lance pokes out of the ground. A warning shot, perhaps? Her code of honor is just about as old and decrepit as the bones inside her half-rotted body.

"Rotted, you say?" Says the shrimp, trying desperately to sound charismatic.

But it's not like I've said anything at all outside of a simply and mildly abusive narration. It would seem as though the previous author imbued every character with a half-assed power to see outside of the fourth wall. Though once I stop and think about it, I destroyed that sort of hindrance only a few paragraphs ago.

"When you stop and think about it," Says the midget, Remilia. "Wouldn't something like this render a certain pink-haired mind-reader youkai's power rather useless?"

"The way things are going, she'll soon be no different from a normal huma-- Hey!" Can't let myself be dragged along with this runt's dissociative dialogue. "Why don't we keep this on the subject of I'm going to level your house?"

"I've already read the latest updates. Though I'm afraid I can't let you simply get away with such an atrocity." She turns her eyes to the sky. "Hey, author! Don't you care that your character is going to destroy the world?"

"Perhaps you weren't reading clearly then." I snicker, "I fired him, you see. I'm in control now, and your role is to merely stand by and watch helplessly as I drop this rock through your house."

"Bitch.. Don't think you'll get aw--"

There's a deafening roar as the heavens collide with the roof of her great red hovel. The floating mass of land slams down into the earth with such momentum that I'm forced to shield my eyes from the blast.

Skipping ahead..

The dust settles and the vampires of the land are no more. I laugh triumphantly for the brief moment of calm before the earth explodes. I--

HEY! Don't you dare end it here you filthy little--

>BAD END

----------

>Hey guys, sorry about that. Thinking back on it now, I now realize that choosing such a domineering character as Tenshi wasn't such a good idea. But now that she's dead and out of the picture, I've regained control of the story. Please wait warmly while the world--and especially the fourth wall--are reconstructed.
>> No. 465
----------

It's been quite a while since I've seen the sun.

Or was it yesterday..? I can't quite remember. Funny thing, that. I can remember my own name though I can't remember what I'd had for breakfast this morning. I bet it was boiled eggs! It had to be! Because they're so tasty and--

Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The author has asked me to do cute things in the meantime to make up for some mistake he made a while ago. Or was it a few minutes ago? I can't remember what he said specifically, but I guess I'm supposed to go around blasting things with my arm cannon.

Or is it a third leg..? Funny, they call it that, but it doesn't look much like a third leg. Since it looks like an arm cannon I think I'll call it that from now on.

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 467
[x] Pop out an egg and eat it for breakfast. Heating courtesy of your arm cannon.
>> No. 468
>>465

[x] Play around with my arm cannon! Does it have any other functions?
>> No. 470
[x] I wonder if she can see through spoiler tags...
>> No. 473
>>467

That's fucking sick, man.
>> No. 474
>>473
Sick? it's no different from a woman making blood sausages out of her perioids.
>> No. 475
File 125158900098.jpg - (38.16KB , 300x400 , DW6+-+Lu+Bu.jpg ) [iqdb]
475
[x] confront lu bu
>> No. 476
>>474

Oh, I guess you're right. Never mind.
>> No. 477
[x] Engage the fleet of star destroyers that have just exited warpspace, having escaped the destruction of their home dimension.

Godmoding, shmodmoding. When given all the fixings for an EPIC SPACE BATTLE, you have an EPIC SPACE BATTLE.
>> No. 479
Eggs?! Where?! I want to eat them~ But I don't see any. I hope you weren't lying to me. Wait.. Pop one out? How am I supposed to--

Hmm~?

Really? I can't talk to them directly? Now where's the fun in that?

Ow~ Okay, fine! Jus-just don't do that again!

Oooh! An egg! I should probably question what an egg is doing sitting on the grass right in front of me, but what would someone like me know about literary elements such as deus ex machina?

That's right, nothing! But wait, why am I praising my own ignorance? And why is this egg brown? I thought they were supposed to be white.. I wonder if it's a Tengu egg or something..

"It's not." Says the blur speeding across my field of vision.

"Ah!" But it's too fast! It's gone before I can ask it what I'm supposed to do with it. Am I supposed to eat it? I really wanna eat it~

Time for some good old-fashioned nuclear fusion~

But what would a girl like me know about thermal expansion? The egg explodes in my hands, leaving a sticky and inedible mess. Or is the right word uneatable? I don't knoooow~~

But if I keep cooking it, maybe I could make due with scrambled eggs instead. But would it be right o call it scrambled eggs if it's only one egg?

Ow!

Note to self, my hand is not a frying pan. And nuclear fusion burns~ I wonder if I should go see the doctor. Sanae one told me that exposure to nuclear something or others causes Kansas. I think..

But I kinda wanna play around with fusion, now. I'm not sure why, though. The author told me to say that it's like some voices in my head are telling me to. But that's just crazy! I mean, why would there be voices inside my head? Satori told me there's hardly enough room for one!

...I think she was insulting me.

But none of this explains why >>470 is typing in the dark. You really should turn the lights on and sit back from the computer screen a bit. You know, like what they say in all those TV shows! But Satori doesn't have a TV, so that just leaves a lot of stuff to explain, and I don't really have any idea how I should explain it.

Ah, um.. >>477, the author has asked me to explain that since this is a new world, the old story has been retconned, and there are no more snakes flying around in--

Oh, hey, there actually are snakes!

..Why are there snakes? And why do they have guns? And what is this pit? And what happened to my egg?!

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 480
>>479

[x] That egg was eventually going to become your child. They killed it. They must be destroyed.
>> No. 483
[x] The snakes are, because this is gensoukyou, a place where common sense should be suspended. They have guns, because they have nigerian arms dealers around selling them guns in exchange for cat food. This pit exists for your excecution. The egg is currently decorating your face and upper torso, quite erotically.
>> No. 485
My God! Really? Those bastards! How dare they kill my egg! I'll burn them up with the power of nuclear fusion!

But it looks like I forgot to turn the output back down. Not only are the snakes gone, but so are the guns, the strings holding the guns up, and the pit. Now it looks more like a crater than a pit. A big, burning crater.

And I think I'm falling. That, or the earth suddenly wants to give me a hug for destroying the evil snakes that killed my egg! But I think it's because my wings can't handle the weight of all the concrete around my foot. Yep, that's gotta be it.

I catch myself just in time to land properly. In retrospect, stepping in wet concrete and letting it dry around my foot probably wasn't such a good idea. Actually, I think it was Rin's idea, and none of her ideas are ever good. Except the one where she dared me to eat that bird-shaped thing that gives people nuclear fusion powers! Or was that someone else's idea? Rin never has any good ideas, so I'm a little skeptical. I kinda wish that bird thing gave me the power to remember things better instead.

But I'm forced to ponder the reason why snakes have guns. If I don't think about it, the author might hit me with that stick again. I'd rather he didn't. He's a very mean person and I'm probably gonna fry him when this is all over. Some of the surface people like to eat humans and say they're very tasty when fried, so I think I might try it.

So I should probably find out who gave the snakes guns. And maybe wipe all the egg off my face and shirt before I go, too. So I head over to this building I see just outside of the crater I think I made. I can't seem to remember how it got there, though.

Inside, I find a sink to wash myself off. It works fine for my face and arms, but when I try to wash my shirt the water gets it all wet.

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 487
>>485

[x] I've always wondered about that eye-gem thingy. Is it attached to my shirt or my chest? I should lift my shirt up and find out.
>> No. 488
But >>487, I have the eye-gem thingy, not you. Or do you? Maybe you're like my extra-dimensional twin or something? I'm not sure, but I heard from Yukari that those kinds of things might exist. But she also said that space poo might exist too, so I'm forced to accept the possibility that she was making a fool out of me, too.

I check for what seems to be the millionth time, but it turns out to be just a part of the shirt. A very wet shirt, mind you, but a shirt nonetheless. I'm forced to take it off, thanks to it being so wet. But the last time I used fusion to dry my clothes, I went home mostly naked.

Ah, does that count as fan service? Would it be an H-scene if I described the parts where my boobs kept falling out of my shirt? I'm not too experienced with those sort of things, so I dunno. The author is asking me to elaborate, but I really don't want to. Getting my shirt dry is far more important than discussing how I managed to get home wearing only a half-burnt bra and panties.

Sadly, the things I'd rather forget seem to stay stuck in my head for longer than the things I'd like to remember. But my shirt is still wet, and I hear footsteps just outside the door.

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 491
>>488

[x] Think about RADIATION.
>> No. 493
[x] Go tease Orin about her "birth defect". Four ears? So weird~

C'mon, Okuu, you can't tell me that hasn't bothered you in the past.
>> No. 495
[X] Cover yourself up with your cape. You did remember to bring your cape with you, no?
[X] Act all cute and do that "unyuu" sound and ask for hair ruffling. Bitches love hair ruffling.
>> No. 498
Now that you mention it, radiation Rin's ears are a bit disturbing. But it's okay, she's told me that it's normal for catgirls to have two sets of ears. It matches her tails, after all. Though it all still seems suspicious. Especially the part where she didn't call me an idiot. She always leaves that part out when she's lying, but I think I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

But all this aside, I'm in a bit of a bind. After having broken into somebody's house to wash myself off, I find myself face-to-face with the owner. I suppose with all the thinking out loud I've been doing, she may have caught on to somebody being in the bathroom. For that matter, my shirt is still wet.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She asks. I think she's angry, but Reimu always seems frustrated by something.

"Uhm.."

"This is my house? You broke into it?"

"Technically, I didn't break into anything." I try to explain, "Uhm, the doors were wide open, so I just came right in."

"That still counts as breaking and entering, last I checked." She crosses her arms. "But I think the readers have had enough bitchy characters for one story. I hear the author gave Tenshi the wheel before everything crashed and burned."

"Shh!" How does she know that? We're not supposed to know that!

"Oh, right." A sudden realization pops into her head. "Well, you're welcome to stay around for a bit, provided you put on some clothes."

"Huh?" Oh.

Seems that while I was pondering over this and that, I must've absent-mindedly stripped down like some nine-tailed fox woman fawning over her cute pupil.

"That example was a little too character-specific, I think." Reimu adds, throwing something red and white at me. "Here, put these on until your other clothes are washed and dried. They kinda smell like rotten eggs, so would you kindly pick them up off the floor.."

"'Kay!"

Skipping ahead..

My clothes are now in the wash, and I find myself dressed like Reimu. Why there are washing machines in a world supposedly set in late 19th century Japan can only be explained by various acts of Gods collaborating with writers.

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 500
[X] Jump on Reimu to get a piggy back ride!
>> No. 502
>>They kinda smell like rotten eggs, so would you kindly pick them up off the floor.
>>would you kindly

[x] No! You're being deceived! Escape while you can!
>> No. 506
[x] do as she says, since it's better to listen than not to, that and she's nice enough to wash your clothes. But try to ask what's going on in Gensokyo but in simple terms because our status as a (6)
>> No. 508
[ ] Find Reimu's microwave and STAAAAAAAAARE
>> No. 553
You guys are contradicting each other! With commands like these I don't know what to do! And why would there be a microwave in Gensokyo? I mean, a washing machine is one thing, but let's try and be realistic here.

So rather than do anything interesting or worthy of note, I sit around and stare off into space. Normally, I'd do this underground with the roaring fires of Hell in front of me. Fire is fun to watch, I think. But there's nothing interesting to look at out here, and I just can't sit still!

I get up to move, and something starts tugging at my shirt.

"Hey, Reimu! I came over to play!"

"Ah! It's Marisa!" I smile. I guess I'm just happy to see another familiar face. But until I'm back in my own uniform for causing mass destruction set of clothes, I guess I can take it easy.

Somehow, though, she seems to have mistaken me for Reimu.. I suppose it's the clothes. I even swapped out the bow on my head for one of those red ones.

"Uhh.. Well aren't you being awfully friendly for a change!" She seems pleased.

"Actually.."

"Aren't ya gonna invite me in?" She steps past me. "Well, it's not like I've ever asked for permission before, so.."

Without a second thought, she starts rummaging through cabinets here and there. I stand and stare over her shoulder, but she seems to pay me no mind. It's strange that most of the others know exactly what's going on simply by reading the thread, but Marisa and only Marisa is blind to it. Is she just playing around?

...

That bitch.. I'm gonna nuke the shit out of her.

"..."

Nope, doesn't seem like it. She elicits no response save for the occasional giggle when she finds something amusing. After a short while, I find myself playing pack-mule for whatever she grabs. Buckets and poxes are piled in my arms so high I can just barely see over them.

"Soo.. What exactly are you doing?" I ask, watching as she piles on yet another box.

"That's classified." She ducks down inside the cupboard yet again..

"But this is my house? These are my things?" Says the real Reimu, standing furiously with her arms at her side just across from us. "You'd better explain yourself. Now, preferably."

"Huh?" Marisa looks at the two of us in confusion. "Hey, neat trick! Can you show me how you did it?"

"Trick?"

"I hope you're going to clean this up?"

"Hmm.." Marisa scratches her chin, pointing to me with her other hand. "So you must be the good twin.. And you," She points to Reimu, "are the evil one. Right?"

"Like hell that's right!" Reimu just clobbers her. I ignore the cries for help and step back outside, wondering what sort of nonsense the author might throw at me next.

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 554
[x] Go walk around the shrines grounds. Exploration!
>> No. 556
[X] Ponder how she somehow failed to be tipped off by big honking pair of wings sticking out of your back that you weren't Reimu.
>> No. 558
[x] Go walk around the shrines grounds. Exploration!
>> No. 575
[x] Go walk around the shrines grounds. Exploration!
>> No. 755
[x]Mirror Reimu's every action like a Doppelganger.
>> No. 759
[x]Mirror Reimu's every action like a Doppelganger.

Changing my vote for awesome.
>> No. 760
[x]Mirror Reimu's every action like a Doppelganger.
>> No. 794
>Great Barrier: Collapse
> Army of Humanity: Invade
> Army of Humanity: Activate the anti-magic fields of your radiation suits covering your Nintendium* armour.

* Nintendium: An meta-plastic alloy that is stronger than black diamond.
>> No. 866
Nonsense, hmm?

Well, this seems to be a dead end. Mimicry? Exploration? And what of the wings? Perhaps it's just a little something the author just conveniently left out. I have six of 'em, yet nobody seems to mention even a single pair!

In any case, three-legs here has had enough time playing the part of player character. It's high time she took a nap; she's been waiting all this time hoping the author might get up off of his lazy ass and write something. But alas, nearly two days have passed and there's nothing he has to show for it.

So while she's asleep and the author's taking a long hiatus, I may as well take over for a change. I'm rarely in the spotlight in these CYOA things after all. I suppose it's difficult to characterize somebody nearly forgotten by the fan community. But it comes with the territory.

But seriously? Even Shinki got some little tribute in the last game. That just pisses me off. I was player character for two games, dammit! TWO GAMES! And I had appearances in two more! That's gotta count for something, right? I guess I was just too awesome. Caused ZUN to burn out. If I were a betting man woman evil spirit God, I'd say his drinking is partially attributed to me. Flew a little too close to the sun, maybe. Had his proverbial wings melted off by yours truly, forcing him into a downward spiral of boozing it up and drawing little girls.

So, for whatever reason, I'm here. You folks know what to do.

> ENTER COMMAND
>> No. 867
>>865

[x] Cause an incident, It's time for you to take the spotlight again.
>> No. 868
[X] Show them fools how it's DONE, Old School style.
>> No. 869
save Marisa from her mess while somehow humiliating Reimu. Reimu needs to relax.
>> No. 878
> Great Barrier: Collapse
> Army of Humanity: Invade
> Army of Humanity: Activate the anti-magic fields of your radiation suits covering your Nintendium* armour.

* Nintendium: An meta-plastic alloy that is stronger than black diamond.
>> No. 892
[x] Twilight Spark
>> No. 980
[x] Cause an incident, It's time for you to take the spotlight again.
>> No. 1198
Hey, causing trouble sounds like fun. But from the looks of things there's not a whole lot to mess up that hasn't already been messed up. Gensokyo has suddenly become a place of UFOs flying silos, giant robots, and the occasional earthquake caused by a giant catfish or something.

Damn, and I though it was a weird place when I was running the show.

And if Reimu's shrine hadn't been leveled enough times as it is, I go ahead and break it down yet again. If there's one building that can't seem to stay standing, this is it. I barely give it a flick (with a Master Spark) and it just topples over. She comes out screaming and yelling unmentionable things, but I'm already long gone. Oh, and don't bother questioning how I know what she was screaming despite me being halfway across the world. I have the devils ears after all.

So I wait around, hope things'll play out as usual. She runs around beating up random strangers for a while until one of them tips her off, and--

Oh, hey, here she comes now! That was fast..

"It's all your fault!" She cries. "It's all your fault and now you're gonna die!"

I might be paraphrasing a bit.

"But Reimu, my dear! How can you kill that which is already dead?" I say, beaming with more charisma than some half-pint vampire across the way.

"I've had enough with your shit! This ends now!"

Wait, where's she looking?

"Er, Reimu. I'm over here?"

"That's right, Snake! It's over--you're finished! How dare you go so far as to demolish my shrine!"

Oh, mister author, you're in trouble now~

>Wait, I- I can explain!

"DIEEEEEE! YOOOUUUUUUUU!"

*RETCON!*

----------

"Unyu?"

It's back to me again? Finally? Well I guess it's okay. The author did suddenly decide to label the directory he's keeping his text files for this under 'Bird Brained Adventure' after all! So I should be the main character! It's only right!

But while I'm still thinking about it, Orin stole my control rod a moment ago..
>> No. 1199
[x] Go after her and get it back. If she tries to confuse you (which shouldn't be too hard.) don't listen to her.
>> No. 1202
[X] Sailors might know where Orin went. Go around asking people where you might find some sailors.
>> No. 1206
[X]Get your arm cannon back. You need it to melt those pesky space pirates dammit. And start getting other suit upgrades.
>> No. 1207
[x]Doesn't that crazy flower lady always have corpses around, I know Orin likes to pick up corpses so that's a good bet.
>> No. 1208
[x] Look for a chainsaw to replace it.
>> No. 1209
[x] Look for a chainsaw to replace it.
YES.
>> No. 1220
> Great Barrier: Collapse
> Army of Humanity: Invade
> Army of Humanity: Activate the anti-magic fields of your radiation suits covering your Nintendium* armour.

* Nintendium: An meta-plastic alloy that is stronger than black diamond.

THE MIGHT OF MAN SHALL NOT BE DETERRED!! SO SAYS THE EMPEROR OF MAN!!!
>> No. 1224
[X] Go find Orin and talk to her. If she took your arm-cannon, could that mean she wants to perform fusion with you?
>> No. 1229
[X] Go find Orin and talk to her. If she took your arm-cannon, could that mean she wants to perform fusion with you?
>> No. 1250
Of course the first thing I'd do is go after her to get it back, but...

Having been out of the story when it happened--the literary equivalent of being unconscious--I have no idea where she's gone off to. And, as aimless searching is a waste of time and effort, I should think of something a little more worthwhile before I resort to it.

It comes to me more or less in the form of three or four posts. I should arm myself! Find something to act as a placeholder in the meantime. It might help to balance out my arsenal a bit, especially with my right foot encased in a block of concrete. How adding weight to the same side of my body balances things out is simple aesthetics; it has nothing to do with the physical aspect of things. It's like how a giant robot is more likely to have rocket pods on the same side as it's gun hand, or something.

Speaking of which, there appears to be a conveniently placed suit of armor stood up right in front of me. I guess it's to placate the readers. There's a sign taped to the arm that says "Made of Nintendium". There's a little blurb about collapsing something or others and some army, but then I remember I'm not supposed to know how to read in this story, so I end up missing most of it. Dammit!

But it's kinda funny how it disintegrates as soon as I touch it. Must have something to do with Gensokyo's wacky laws of physics regarding strength. Or maybe the author just wanted to get it out of the way. Whatever the reason, the pile of metal dust at my feet melts into a puddle, creeps up my leg and adds a shiny new layer to my concrete-coated foot. As it is suddenly shiny, I feel quite awesome--at least, more so than I already was to begin with.

> AWESOMENESS +24
> KICK ATTACK NOW DOES 50d20 DAMAGE

Talk about an arbitrary number. With no base score or scale I have no idea how to measure this. And neither I nor the author know anything about D&D, so the level of damage means nothing either..

> AWESOMENESS TOTAL 524 POINTS
> KICK ATTACK NOW DOES ~500 DAMAGE

Yeah, thanks guy. Big help you are. Don't quit your day job. Well, back to business.

> ENTER COMMAND

Glad to see you didn't forget it this time, bird brain.

> ;_;
>> No. 1443
if anyone missed it, this is continued at >>/underground/8