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4893 No. 4893
"You're wrong, Alice."

Rising from your seat you slam your hands down on the table firmly, making Alice and Shanghai flinch in the face of your forcefulness. You speak not in a shout, but in a voice of terrible loudness that carries the strength of your words like a hammer, smashing through her illusion.

"You're wrong, and you know it. You can't force me to love you, and if you try then you'll doom yourself to a lifetime of hearing me repeat that."
"Shut up."

She covers her ears, refusing to look at you, trembling she tries to drown out the things you say. But she has no defense in the face of your barrage, but in your heart burns a flame of hope even as she shuddered violently, because she has not run away.


"I do care about you, so I can't let this persist. One way or another, so long as I'm involved, this will end with you waking up from your childish little dream of a fairy tale life."
"Shut up!"

Her face streams with tears and she grits her teeth, she's clinging to a raft of her dream in the storm of the truth. Even as she tries to stop you, she knows that she can't shelter herself in the falling bastions of her ideal. Desperately Shanghai huddles up on the table between you, covering her face and her ears.

"I refuse to let you do this to me Alice, but more importantly I refuse to let you do this to yourself. I don't care if I hurt you in the process, I don't care if I have to drag you kicking and screaming out of this house, but I WILL save you from yourself."
"STOP TALKING!"
"You can't just hide from pain! Life without contrast is endless tedium! I've learned to cherish everything that happens to me because I have nothing else to hold on to, so even the bad things that hurt me are worth holding onto because they give me hope for the future! Don't you see Alice? If you deny any part of your experience you lose your humanity! So you have to learn to live with that pain in your heart no matter how much it hurts."
"......"
"Because without it, how can you know when you're happy?"

Those blue eyes, such deep blue eyes, stare at you stunned through the hazy mist of tears, her bottom lip quivers as she looses control of herself and tightens her hands into fists so hard blood runs freely from under her fingernails.

"...Wuh.." She can barely choke out the words.
"W-Why are you being so n-n-nice to me?"

She cries out, then sinks to the table sobbing heavily, so heavily it pains your heart to watch her break down. Her shoulders heave as she wails with sadness, not silent tears but the primal sobs of the truly miserable.

".....What have I done? When did I become this?"

Through her arms you hear her muffled questions, but even as seeing her like this melts your heart you hold yourself steady like steel. To give in now would weaken any resolve left to either of you, if Alice is to learn to deal with her pain she must walk this path alone for now.

Finally broken Alice lays there before you letting out her anguish, it seems she understands what she's done at last. Perhaps you reminded her of her forgotten humanity or forced her to confront the wrong of what she did, but the fact she can recognize her wrong is a sign for the best.
____

[ ] Comfort Alice
[ ] Pick Shanghai up and put her by Alice
[ ] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish
[ ] Try to leave the house

>> No. 4894
[] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish.
As unpleasant as it is, it's for the best.
>> No. 4895
[ ] Try to leave the house

An opening.
>> No. 4896
[x] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish

YOUR TEARS ARE SO DELICIOUS ALICE
>> No. 4897
[X] Pick Shanghai up and put her by Alice
[X] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish

I WANT to say it's a trap, but.. =/
>> No. 4898
{X} Try to leave the house
Fuck Alice

Wrigggllleeeee
>> No. 4899
[X] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish
>> No. 4900
[X] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish
[X] Comfort Shanghai
>> No. 4901
[X] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish

She needs time to contemplate what she has done.
>> No. 4902
[x] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish
>> No. 4903
[x] Pick Shanghai up and put her by Alice

in during Anon being manipulated
>> No. 4904
[ ] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish

Tears ignorin gaems.
>> No. 4905
[ ] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish
>> No. 4906
[x] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish
>> No. 4907
[z] Ignore her cries, but wait for her to finish
>> No. 4908
[x] Pick Shanghai up and put her by Alice

I don't know what this will do but something tells me we should
>> No. 4909
>>4896
Great, now I'm imagining David licking Alice's tears.
____

"Shit!"

Turning your head away you leave the kitchen to let Alice get it out on her own, behind you the sounds of her pitiful sobs seem to beg you to stay but you refuse to give in. Feels like a parent trying to teach their child a lesson, that same sense of wanting to comfort but tempered with a strong will for change.

"Shit."

It still doesn't make you feel better to abandon her like that though, her weak mewling cries really tear at you mind even from getting away from her. You don't want to hear it any longer, even this house seems to be waring on your nerves.

In a moment of bitter humor you smile as you recall how strong Alice seemed and how weak you felt last night, she could still easily rip you to shreds but now you doubt she even has the concentration to animate a single doll.

Magic, that's right she still has your rose somewhere, once again you try to call it to you, but to no avail. All you can tell is that it's somewhere within the house, but looking back in the kitchen you really don't want to ask Alice for it and you doubt for some reason she has it on her.
__

[ ] Check her bedroom
[ ] Check her study
[ ] Check her workshop
[ ] Forget about it, leave.
>> No. 4910
[] Check her workshop

That's were she was, wasn't it?
>> No. 4911
[X] Check her workshop
>> No. 4912
[ ] Check her workshop
>> No. 4913
[X] Check her study.

I... get the feeling she would keep it at her bedside, but a gentleman doesn't walk into a woman's bedroom uninvited.
>> No. 4914
[X] Do nothing. Wait for Alice to finish crying. The next step for her will be to give you the rose back herself.
>> No. 4915
[X] Do nothing. Wait for Alice to finish crying. The next step for her will be to give you the rose back herself.
This makes the most sense, actually.
>> No. 4916
>>4914>>4915
>>you really don't want to ask Alice for it
>> No. 4917
>>4916

They didn't vote to ask for it though.
>> No. 4918
[X] Do nothing. Wait for Alice to finish crying. The next step for her will be to give you the rose back herself.
>> No. 4920
[x] Check her workshop
...meh, see no other options
>> No. 4921
[ ] Check her bedroom
She'll be sleeping with it next to her bed or under her pillow.

Also, DAMN Yandere Alice breaks easily.
>> No. 4922
[ ] Check her bedroom.
Don't think privacy really matters too much right now
>> No. 4923
[x] Check her bedroom
If that's where she was last...
>> No. 4924
I could go for an Alice route if she's willing to repent.
>> No. 4925
>>4916
The point isn't to ask her for it, the point is to just hang around in the hopes that she'll remember it and give it back to you by herself, without prompting. It would be a decent step in her recovery and let her apologize to us a bit - why take that away from her?

Unless, of course, you think she isn't sincere and are seeking to grab the rose and run after causing her a moment of weakness. Which will just hurt her more later.
>> No. 4926
>>4910
changing my vote to
[] Check her bedroom
She slept there, I assume.
>> No. 4927
[X] Do nothing. Wait for Alice to finish crying. The next step for her will be to give you the rose back herself.
>> No. 4928
>>4925
The point is, she might not give it to us, we have things to be doing that rival this in importance, and we really don't want to pester her about it.
>> No. 4929
[X] Check her workshop.

The sanctity of a lady's chamber must not be violated, even in times of great danger.
>> No. 4930
[X] Do nothing. Wait for Alice to finish crying. The next step for her will be to give you the rose back herself.
>> No. 4931
{X} Do nothing. Wait for Alice to finish crying. The next step for her will be to give you the rose back herself.
>> No. 4932
While I don't wish to railroad you guys, Alice ain't gonna give you anything right now.

In fact I'm really pissed off with how this whole scene turned out, it simply wasn't supposed to go down like this. But making Alice break down into jelly was just too easy, I wanted to drag the captivity out longer to make her seem more in control and less nuts but it was totally unfeasible.

I want to move onto the next plot point as soon as possible but there's just no way to do it without everything feeling sloppy with things as they stand, I'm really stumped as to what to do now.
>> No. 4933
>>4932

Rocks fall, Wriggle dies.
>> No. 4934
Knew it. Just find the rose and go.
*nods wisely*
>> No. 4935
>>4933
Fine by me, let's get back to Marisa.
>> No. 4936
> I want to move onto the next plot point as soon as possible

Yeah, that would be the problem. We're kinda trying to help Alice redeem herself here, but if you have plot points that you insist on moving to so it isn't going to work... well, fine, but what's the point of asking us?

[X] Whatever Scorn wants, then. Search all the rooms till we find the rose, no sense in dragging it out through more choices.
>> No. 4937
>>4932
Fine then, let's search the rooms and get out of here.

[X] Check her workshop
>> No. 4938
>>4936
And not doing a very good job of it. I don't think we can do crap for her right now without undoing all of our progress. You are not, I repeat NOT, helping her.
>> No. 4939
>>4928
>The point is, she might not give it to us, we have things to be doing that rival this in importance, and we really don't want to pester her about it.

No we don't.

She's broken. Now we have to clean up the mess; we don't want to cut our feet on the shards later.

Alice is a highly reactive person. Just as proven last night, she could easily take her self-hatred out on you. Just leaving her alone just allows her to return to her obsessive ruminations & catastrophizing, when in reality nothing she's done can't be undone.

Her immediate worries would be that allowing us to leave will cut her off from all her other friends, assuming we'll blab about it. That's why we need to reassure her that we don't want to isolate her, and talk together and work out a story to tell others.

[X] Do nothing. Wait for Alice to finish crying. The next step for her will be to give you the rose back herself.
>> No. 4940
>>4939
..so you missed the whole Scorn-saying-that-it-won't-work thing, didn't you?
>> No. 4941
>>4940
>..so you missed the whole scorn-saying-that-it-won't-work thing, didn't you?

And did you miss the part where he said he was stumped but didn't want to railroad us?

Maybe giving some more constructive responses would help better than hammering the submit button like you've been doing?
>> No. 4942
>>4936

Gee, it sure is a good thing David and Alice are the only characters in the story. It'd suck if this story actually contained other things we have to deal with, or if spending all our time just being with Alice and doing nothing in particular had a chance of not being entirely effective.
>> No. 4943
Okay, I really hate myself right now because of this stupid corner I wrote myself into.

I'm sorry anonymous, while I had a plan for how things should've gone I had to scrap some of it because there was no fucking way I could drag out the time spent at Alice's house without doing time skips or her drugging you or something. So I had to write Alice as being less stable than I wanted to keep the story moving, which means that I can't link the next event properly without it feeling weak because Alice's character won't stay coherent. But by bitching about all this I've fucked it all up anyway making the next part suck regardless.

Basically what I'm saying is, there's no way Alice's character is salvageable and the continuity of the story as it stands requires her not to be totally fucking crazy. Not to say she would be sane at this point, more like a super villain crazy i.e. in control but disturbed. Having her become a wreck screws me over and makes her unusable.

So what can I do? Pull a recovery out my ass? Retcon?
>> No. 4944
>>4942
This is what I was driving at.
>> No. 4946
>>4943
Go ahead and retcon if it's for the sake of the story.

If anyone begrudges this he can fuck off.
>> No. 4948
>>4943
But couldn't that actually be solved by what you did not want us to do, as in, comforting her? We can just pretend a short time passed if that's the problem.
>> No. 4949
Thirding the retcon.
>> No. 4950
Oh in control but disturbed. Nevermind what I said.
>> No. 4951
>>4943
>>So what can I do? Pull a recovery out my ass? Retcon?

Is it really that hard for her to turn even further warped because of this?
Just have her salvage herself into something that's still slightly unhinged.

For example, She realizes it's wrong to keep us locked up as a pet.

But nothing wrong with stalking and spying on us, or having threatening other touhous who are getting close, or beating the shit out of Wriggle for hanging out with us, etc.

Or something along that line.
>> No. 4952
>>4943

I don't see how the loneliness & positive feedback loop explanation doesn't work to explain herself. It's comparable to coking up to the point where you experience stimulant psychosis. She just needs to recover. Fuck, we can leave her at Reimu's or Marisa's for a while if need be.

Call it the MAGIC'S A HELLUVA DRUG theory.
>> No. 4953
>>4943
You could always make Alice pretend to be happy while in front of other characters, while David knows she is faking or something like that.
>> No. 4954
Fuck it, I'm going to pull the fucking stunt anyway. What happened with Alice still did, but let's just say she's recovered her sense of self due to your words. It still happened but any plot holes will have to be dealt with as they occur, maybe I can recover it later. The rose is in your possession, fuck searching the house for no good reason. I think you guys can tell I was grasping at straws with the loose ends there.

For better or worse, writing.
>> No. 4955
You can have her realize what she did was wrong and feel bad about it or something. It's called character development.
>> No. 4956
>>4954

in b4 Tengu ninjas
>> No. 4957
I have the perfect solution:

[X] Rape Alice.
>> No. 4958
>>4954


But David delivered a FUCKING HOTBLOODED MANLY SPEECH to Alice, so yea. Captain Anonymous Rex speechs unlocked!
>> No. 4959
File 121304485317.jpg - (37.56KB , 500x500 , 1210417419577.jpg ) [iqdb]
4959
"BAKA KUN!"

A violent cry rings through the air, an earth shuddering angry call like a challange to the universe itself. The voice, is familiar.

"Wait a second...."

But you don't have time to dwell on it before the room is suddenly bathed in bright light streaming in through the window that sears your senses. With a wall of sound that you feel rather than hear you're sent flying into a near by wall as the shock wave knocks you back.

You feel like your head is a deep underwater with every sound booming and distant, your ears ring painfully as your vision swims, you try to stand but your legs give way beneath you sending you tumbling forward. Vaguely you're aware that the whole world seems to be covered in clouds of dust that choke your lungs, feebly you hack and cough.

Then, with a rush of air and blood the world snaps back into a painful focus, for a moment all you can do is clutch at your head in pain. All around you is the sight of splintered wood and shattered glass where Alice's living room has been torn apart by some devastating blast. Slowly the swirling dust is cleared by a breeze, the entire front wall has been destroyed leaving an open space to the outside.

Still confused by the blast you stand again and walk haltingly towards that opening, your eyes struggle to focus but eventually with startling clarity you see the four figures standing defiantly before you.

"Wriggle?"

With a face that's contorted with white hot rage stands Wriggle Nightbug, her arms folded in front of her and cape flapping wildly in the wind. Through a grimace she speaks.

"I found you Baka-Kun!"

As she stalks slowly towards you her hands clenched by her sides and teeth bared at you, you become aware of other three girls behind her. The ice fairy you met the other day, Cirno and the bird girl you saw in that dream, Mystia as well as a third girl. The third girl is shorter than the rest with medium length blonde hair and a black dress, she looks quite a bit younger than the rest of them.

The trio are stood in some kind of ridiculous pose with their arms out stretched and pointed at the smashed house, did they do that?

"You....you.....you!" Mumbling that over and over under her breath Wriggle approaches you with fire in her eyes.
____

[ ] "I'M SORRY WRIGGLE! HAVE MERCY!"
[ ] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
[ ] Run for your life
[ ] "Get the hell away from me Youkai."
>> No. 4960
[x] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
>> No. 4961
>>4954
Taking the pins out of the dolls should have also affected her. You don't have to rush it, but I don't think it's too far-fetched for her to recover soon.
>> No. 4962
[ ] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
>> No. 4963
[x] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED

HA HA HA HA
>> No. 4964
>>4959
[X] "..."
>> No. 4965
[X] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
Finally, some normal raw emotional anger.
>> No. 4966
[ ] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
>> No. 4967
[x] "Wriggle Boy! Am I glad to see you!"
>> No. 4968
[ ] "Get the hell away from me Youkai."
IT'S WRIGGLE TIME
NO *SCORN*, NO!
>> No. 4969
[X] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
crazy doll girl tried to mindslave me halp
>> No. 4970
[ ] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
[ ] Suddenly, Nightbug hugging.
>> No. 4971
[x] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"

Oh my god.
>> No. 4972
[x] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you! By the way, watch out for the Hourai Hanged Dolls."
>> No. 4973
[x] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"

I'm not a big fan of Alice, and I know David didn't destroy that wall, but I hope David eventually returns to help repair that wall.
>> No. 4974
[X] "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
>> No. 4975
[x] "My Prince! You've finally come to save me!"
>> No. 4976
{X} "Get me the hell away from this Youkai."

or
{X} "Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
, whatever.
>> No. 4977
File 12130469274.png - (32.34KB , 400x400 , wrigglen.png ) [iqdb]
4977
"Wriggle! Boy am I glad to see you!"
She stops for a moment, hanging her head and shaking with anger. With her short green hair covering her face she looks incredibly frightening, you begin to wonder if maybe staying with Alice was such a bad deal.

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU VISIT ME YOU BIG JERK!"

Shit. With lightening reflexes she sprints over to you and grabs the front of your shirt pulling you down to her level, nose to nose she glares furiously at you and beings to scream in your face. Her fingers tighten around the cloth until she's almost clawing into your skin.
"I WAITED ALL NIGHT FOR YOU! IN THE RAIN! YOU NEVER CAME YOU JERK!"
Despite the violence implicit in her actions, you can't help but notice the tears forming in the corner of her emerald eyes or the hurt tone of her voice.
"Wriggle please, it's not my fault! I remembered you when I saw you right? So how could I forget our meeting too?"
She hesitates, the fire flickers in her eye for a moment before blazing again, pulling your face so close to hers you could kiss her she gets angry again. But there's an undertone to it now.
"But you didn't come!"

Without thinking you wrap you arms around this small girl's shoulders and pull her to you body rather than push her away, hugging her tightly she resists for a second trying to look at your face, yet she still returns your embrace.

"I'm sorry Wriggle, I promise I didn't forget. But I wasn't able to meet you, I was stuck here."
"....I waited all night."

She says softly with her hot breath blowing in your ear, you can feel the anger drain out of her as she melts into your arms. Her light form feels so small against your body, yet you can still feel the marks on your chest from where she grabbed your shirt, it's amazing how strong she is for her size.

"Whooo! Go Wriggle!"
In front of you, behind the girl holding you fiercely, you hear her friends calling out to her.
"Hey, save it for later you two!"
"Wait, so we're not beating him up now?"
"I'm hungry~"

Breaking away from you for a second Wriggle casts a glare over her shoulder at them before grabbing your chin and looking you in the eye, those bright emerald pools give you a look of determination.

"You promise you couldn't make it?"
Without even thinking you reply.
"I promise."

Seemingly satisfied she nods and slings her arms around your neck to hold your cheek against hers, her soft warm skin feels smooth against yours and from the corner of your eye you can see her blushing.

"David, why are you letting that ..... thing hold onto you?"

Emerging from the ruined house comes Alice, looking with horror at Wriggle who clutches onto you tightly. At the sight of Alice Wriggle lets go and puts her self between you and Alice.

"He's coming with me!"
Brazenly Wriggle confronts the bigger Yokai, the air becomes thick with hostility as they begin to square off. Alice scoffs at her opponent.
"You? Buzz of you little bitch, you know you can't face me!" Ignoring Wriggle Alice turns to you.
"Come over here David, you might not like me right now. But it's better than running off with a man eater."
"He's mine you creepy kidnapper! I'll fight you for him!"

Spreading her legs and taking a low stance Wriggle's head lights up with a yellow glow as her cape flares out, in response Alice shifts her heavy grimoire and raises a slender hand. As the tension mounts Alice begins to seem less human and more alien to you, although you can't say why.

"Are we beating up the doll woman now?"

Running towards you the three other girls prepare to join the fight, at the fore front the ice fairy in particular seems raring to fight.

"Ladies! There's no need to fight, can' we jus-"
"SHUT UP YOU!"

All of them snap at you before you can even finish speaking, it looks like it's too late to talk. All of them are now holding a card of some sort.

"David, I'm giving you one last chance to come over here."
"Baka-kun is coming with me!"

____

[ ] Go with Wriggle
[ ] Go with Alice
[ ]Run the fuck out of there
>> No. 4979
[ ] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 4980
[ ] Go with Wriggle

FUCK YOU ALICE.
>> No. 4981
[x] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 4982
[z] Go with Wriggle

Nightbug moe~

Sorry Shanghai.
>> No. 4983
[ ] Go with Wriggle

REVERSE TRAP MOE.
>> No. 4984
[x] Go with Wriggle

Hey, there you go Scorn. You can leave the rose for Alice to creepily obsess over until we've got the magic power to summon it.
>> No. 4985
>>"David, I'm giving you one last chance to come over here."
Alright then.

[X] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 4986
[ ] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 4988
[x]Run the fuck out of there
WILD GOOSE CHASE GO!
>> No. 4989
[x] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 4991
[x] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 4992
[x] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 4993
[x]Run the fuck out of there
Hopefully something more hilarious happens...
>> No. 4994
{X} Go with Wriggle
Savior moe~
>> No. 4995
[ ] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 4996
[x]Run the fuck out of there

To Marisa's house!
>> No. 4997
[x]Run the fuck out of there
Back to Marisa, the only one of the three who isn't batshit insane.
>> No. 4998
Oh know what, whatever. Fuck them, changing vote.

[x] Run the fuck out of there

WHERE ARE YOU MARISA
>> No. 4999
File 121304750169.jpg - (223.50KB , 900x648 , Alice5.jpg ) [iqdb]
4999
[B] Bomb
Dammit Scorn, how'd you manage to mess up a scenario with so much potential? And what, the Alice who was under a veil of self-delusion so thick you'd need a Hakurouken to cleave through it suddenly breaks down because we yell at her for 30 seconds? Bah.
>> No. 5000
[x] Go with Wriggle

[x] "Sorry Alice! I'll visit you when you're not crazy!"
>> No. 5001
Oh Scorn, is Alice impossible now? I'd figure she's more possible now that we know her insane side and hence she can eventually recover from it, but just wondering.
>> No. 5002
[x] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 5003
[X] Go with Wriggle.

Her pure feelings have seized on my heart.
>> No. 5004
[x] Run the fuck out of there
MARISA MARISA
ALICE STOLE YOUR PRECIOUS THING
>> No. 5005
[x] Go with Wriggle

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY
>> No. 5006
[x]Run the fuck out of there
Running like the motherfucking Fist of the North Star! Jesus Christ!
>> No. 5007
>>5003
I can agree with this. Wriggle and Marisa have "pure" feelings. Alice is just psycho.

[X] Go with Wriggle
>> No. 5008
[ x ]Run the fuck out of there

ONE PENIS
NO EASYMODO
YOUKAI ONLY
FINAL DESTINATION
>> No. 5009
[x]Run the fuck out of there
MARISA MARISA TASUKETE MARISA

>>4999
We also undid the nonsense with the voodoo dolls, remember.
>> No. 5010
[X]Run the fuck out of there
>> No. 5011
>>4997
Canonically, Marisa was batshit insane to being with. Marisa agreed. Don't bother her about it.
>> No. 5012
Having finally caught up with this I have one thing to say.

OH GOD WHAT.

[ ] Go with Wriggle.
Because I really don't like the sound of:
>>"David, I'm giving you one last chance to come over here."
>> No. 5013
Nobody is picking to stay with Alice. Scorn should take this into account.
>> No. 5014
It's on the way.
>> No. 5015
[x] Go with Alice
Just to piss off >>5013
>> No. 5016
>>5015

Too late dearie.
>> No. 5017
[X] Go with Wriggle.

I love me some Wriggle. She even forgave us for leaving her to wait. That's an understanding girl, right there. Alice is still a tad unhinged, methinks.

We'd better find a way to get that rose back, eventually. I can't see anything good coming of leaving it in her power. We'll have to train hard, and keep trying to re-summon it.
>> No. 5018
File 121304925990.jpg - (24.67KB , 385x463 , marisainsane.jpg ) [iqdb]
5018
>>5011
>> No. 5019
>>Spreading her legs

>_> If I was paying more attention that wouldn't have been the first thing that I really noticed.
>> No. 5020
>>5019
> >_>
>> No. 5021
>>5017
see
>>4954
>The rose is in your possession, fuck searching the house for no good reason.
>> No. 5022
File 12130496376.jpg - (55.90KB , 432x288 , Unimpressed.jpg ) [iqdb]
5022
>>5019
> >_>
>> No. 5023
You don't budge, not an inch, not a muscle, but stay firmly planted behind Wriggle as she puts her self definately between Alice and you. Seeing you reject her again Alice's face drops, while Wriggle grins triumphantly. Stepping up to the Youkai you've chosen, you lay and hand on her shoulder.
"Come on Wriggle, I don't want there to be fighting."
She smiles at you, as she does you notice how her features light up making her seem very pretty, then lays a hand on yours.
"I understand."
Then without changing expression she pulls your arm and flings you with a body throw towards the huddle of girls to your right.
"Cirno catch!"
"I'm going long!"

Unable to stop yourself sailing through the air as the world spins around you, stomach lurching as the pull of gravity attempts to make you very intimate with the ground very soon you're saved when a pair of cool hands grab you. Looking up you see that blue haired fairy girl cradling you in her arms, despite the fact she's twice as small as you. She smiles down at you from within a mess of blue locks.

"'ello again, hope you appreciate this."
"Th-thanks?"
"I still dun't get why we're doing this...."
"Hush Rumia, it's for Wriggle."

Twisting in her grip you see that she's begun to float upwards and away from where Alice and Wriggle are squaring off, around you the other two flank her.

"Oi! Wriggle," Cirno lets go of you with one hand to wave at her friend, for a moment you flail trying to stop yourself from falling until you notice even with minimal contact you're still floating with her.
"You sure we can't join in?"
"Of course not," With a dangerous Relish Wriggle smiles. "She's going to PAY for taking what's mine!"
"You know where to find us!"

As Cirno and the others drift away from Alice's house towards the cover of the trees you see the two combatants join battle, the air explodes into colour as they lash out with Danmaku. But soon this scene is consumed by the encroaching trees as you are stolen away by three Youkai whom you've never met before, to an unknown location.

___

Fuck, this is total shit. I'm sorry, really fucking sorry. I just can't get any good ideas together right now, I've lost any creative spark I had at the moment. I will make this up to you later and I will not abandon the story, but I can't do writan' anymore today.
>> No. 5024
drop us off in the lake then.
>> No. 5025
>>5023
It's okay. I am enjoying it.
>> No. 5026
>>5023
S'alright, Scorm. Just take it easy.
>> No. 5027
Did we just get taken home?
>> No. 5028
>>5023
It's been excellent, shitty muse and all. Don't despair!
>> No. 5029
>>5027

David is MOE.
>> No. 5030
>>5023
Let's just start over from the part when we got to Alice's house and heard her talking to someone at the door.
>> No. 5031
Needs less Alice and more Captain Anon.
>> No. 5032
>>5023
Don't force it. Quality over quantity.

And feel free to rewind a few posts if you think of a better way for things to go.
>> No. 5033
>>5023
Don't worry, it still reads fine, I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Give yourself a rest and wait until you feel ready again.
>> No. 5034
This is pretty good. It's quite amusing at the moment, if nothing else.
>> No. 5035
>>5023
What are you talking about? We're all loving your story.
>> No. 5037
>>5023
Remember who David is siding with. You can easily bad end this at any time. You can make David the meal Wriggle has been dreaming about. You can also have Cirno accidently give David the frog treament or have him get dropped because Cirno thinks he's too heavy and a pain to keep carrying around. Lots of ways to end this badly if you get too sick of the direction the plot has taken to progress with it further.
>> No. 5038
File 121305666824.png - (27.74KB , 350x350 , 1202860249474.png ) [iqdb]
5038
Scorn, chill out. The story is great. If you want to change something, do so. Don't let yourself (especially with Anon's help) get back you into a corner. Writing should be enjoyable.

ITT Anon is supportive.

You beautifully wrote the Alice I was imagining for the VN. Not to mention you made Shanghai moe as hell. Mind if we use them for part of Alice Route? We'd still love to have you involved when you have the time.
>> No. 5039
Scorn, if Wriggle loses to Alice, can you include a side segment story where Alice tortures Wriggle for all that she has done before running off after us?
>> No. 5040
>>5038
Go ahead, feel free.

And while I appreciate the gesture or even the genuine sentiment of praising my work, I live by the ideal of if I don't like it then it isn't going right. Some of the stuff that came out today was so weak I didn't even want to post it, because I know that the situation is strong (I chose to use it above others I thought of) yet I can't seem to do it justice right now.

What I would like is a little criticism as to what is lacking in the last few posts, because while I know I don't like it I'm not entirely sure why. It feels lacking, but what?
>> No. 5041
Wriggle's going to win the fight with Alice. Powered by the genuine feelings of a young girl experiencing her first real love, she can't possibly lose to the twisted witch who has lost her ability to truly love. Shine bright, my firefly princess, Wriggle Nightbug!
>> No. 5042
File 121305955561.jpg - (268.47KB , 600x750 , 1208442892652.jpg ) [iqdb]
5042
>>5039
>>5039
“Da~vid~. It’s time to ea~t.” Alice's sweet voice echoes down to hall. Is it dinner time already? Now that you think about it, you are a little hungry. Better finish up your business now. You wiggle your fingers, and a pair of dead green eyes rise up into view. It took a while to learn how to use these magic strings but Alice is a great teacher. She’s always been impressed at your improvement over the years, and the rewards system was certainly a great motivator. Running back to save Wriggle from Alice when they fought so long ago was the greatest decision of your life. Alice embraced you with loving arms, and now you finally have a doll of your own.

The little naked girl continues to sit there, devote of any thought of feeling. There is still a string of saliva dangling from her cute little mouth. Compassion fills your heart, causing your hand to caress the pathetic shell’s face. It’s soft and warm. Such wonderful life-like features. “Oh, you poor thing. I forgot you’ve been licking my feet for nearly an hour now. Good girl. Here, I’ll give you something to drink,” you coo while undoing your belt.
>> No. 5043
>>5042

Write more dammit.
>> No. 5044
>>5043
Nope. Every good LA gets one half story from me. Besides, Scorn is a better writer. I wouldn't do it justice.

>>5040
Does it feel wrong because its not as planned? I know I would getting thrown off if my story didn't come together as I wanted it to.

Criticism eh? Ok "needs more crazy Alice".
>> No. 5045
>>5042

That makes me sad. Really, really sad.
>> No. 5046
>>5045
HOORAY.jpg
>> No. 5047
Scorn, chillax, it still reads fun, and you can still have fun with Alice's madness, by having her go from being madder than tea in a hat to extremely vulnerable and depressed. Like some sort of extreme bipolar yandere.

tl;dr: TAKE IT EASY
>> No. 5048
>>5042
There needs to be more of this, but before... wait what was that again.
PUNISH ME MISTRESS SAKUYA or something.
>> No. 5049
>>5040
Problem is, we, the readers, have no idea what or where your story is headed, meaning it's hard to pinpoint where the road is, and where you took a detour. If you've lost your flair, there's no way for us to know where to start looking for it.

Maybe it's a psychological thing, with you getting in touch with your characters. It feels wrong because up until the last few threads, the story's focus was MAINLY on Marisa. You've switched the focus to a different main, and in turn, have a to write in a different tone to accommodate. Marisa was fun and carefree, and your writing could easily reflect that. Meanwhile, Alice has been... different, and now you feel lethargic being so in tune with her. As for Wriggle, well, no idea.

If I do have to criticize, maybe it's that you're not having the same fun creating this as you did when David was rocking out with Marisa in the forest. How to fix it? Pfft, who knows. Maybe cut back on the romantic focus for a bit, and more on the silly antics of doll moe and arachnids handing out cold ones. Shouldn't be too hard. I mean, after all, a Cirno is added...

I'm done babbling. Have fun!
>> No. 5050
>>5040
>criticism
I can see where you're getting frustrated trying to figure out what you're doing wrong. It took me quite a bit of thinking to get it, myself.

I believe what's missing is a sense of urgency. Wriggle blasts down the wall, with Alice right there, and we somehow have time to chat it up and hug? It lacks that "Ohshitgonnadierun" feeling.

I think Wriggle might be being a bit too nice, too. But that's just me. I'd have preferred it if she'd have at least said "We're going to have a long chat about this later!" while hurling us like a Frisbee.

Actually, now that I think about it, you're not really exercising some of the characters' key traits. Wriggle's tomboyish charm, Rumia's homicidal tendencies, Cirno's sheer idiocy, Mystia's... whatever Mystia has. Marisa's borderline nutso behavior was very well executed, so it's a bit jarring to have characters lacking noticeable characteristics elsewhere; it makes them feel flat (no pun).
>> No. 5051
>>5050
I agree with the others, but not so much with Rumia. She's shown her childishness and her willingness to fight, but she's not had much of a chance to be murderous.
>> No. 5052
So I'll throw something out of left field here. Hows about just tabling this for a while and writing more Captain?

In the interests of full disclosure, I like Captain quite a bit and the main Forest story not nearly so much. Part of that is just personal taste as regards their tone, but (at least to me) there is also a noticeable difference in the quality of your writing between the two. There's both more direction and more freedom, if that makes sense (probably not) and I do believe writing more of it may help you get a handle on general story layout, if you think you've been having problems there.
>> No. 5053
>>5040
Needs more Yandere Alice.
Someone has to play the part of the villain who gets killed at the end of the story. And a Story is only as good as it's Villain.
Alice fits that role perfect, no one will miss her and we will live happily with Marisa.
The End.
>> No. 5054
>>5052
I'd much rather he table all other projects until this one is done. Finish one project first, and then move onto others.
>> No. 5055
>>4893
R'ing goddamn sauce on this pic
>> No. 5056
>>5023
>Fuck, this is total shit.
ITT: Lies and unwarranted self-loathing.

Also, Rumia's two off-screen lines have her sounding adorable.
>> No. 5057
>>5055
I've already gotten my sauce all over that picture, if you know what I mean.
>> No. 5058
>>5056

If I said my story is shit, you'd agree whole-heartedly! What is this diffirence in treatment?!
>> No. 5059
>>5058

You're a pole. Scorn isn't.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK NIGGER
>> No. 5060
File 121311179555.png - (31.70KB , 145x151 , Shirou.png ) [iqdb]
5060
>>5057
You shouldn't eat while reading manga.
>> No. 5061
>>5058
But you sound less wretched.
>> No. 5062
I feel like the 9 squad is boring, since they are overly used by so many other stories. Moe/Crazy Alice is different and interesting. Thats why I like the story and why I think we should have more Alice and ditch the kids.
>> No. 5063
>>5062
Seconded.
>> No. 5064
Well the idiot squad is always used as comic relief/support, but I don't think anyone has yet to actually go deeper than that with them. So there's still room for interesting stuff to happen.
>> No. 5066
>>5064
Between more Cirno than I care for in WUIG and baby sitting in MIG, I've more or less lost interest in them.
>> No. 5067
Actually, I don't like this Alice much. As in, I don't like scary obsessive people. She is one of them. The nineball squad is pretty fun, mostly because I almost never read MiG, and only a little bit of WUiG. I vote we stay with the nineballs right now. And try to find Marisa later as well.
>> No. 5068
>>5062
This. Yandere Alice was awesome, and to have her negated in such a pathetic manner just plain sucked.
>> No. 5069
>>5062
BAWWWWWWWWWWWWW
>> No. 5070
That initial, dangerous Wriggle was great, while this one reads more like Marisa--not that your Marisa isn't good--but rather, with Wriggle there was more about bluffing, intimidation, and clearer confusion on her part ("do I want to eat him or...?"). Marisa is much less dangerous, even if she is reckless and little neglectful, and while she isn't clear about her own feelings, she's willing admit to it.

I liked your Reimu, a tease, bit of an agoraphobe, alcoholic, bitchy but also surprisingly touching. I hope we meet her again, or at the least she gets Marisa if we end up with someone else.

Alice was awesome, crazy or not, until you said directly there's no way to rehabilitate her. I'd rather we didn't leave her broken--not because I was pushing for her route, but out of concern for her friendship with us and her friendship with Marisa and others.

I don't know what kind of "event" you're planning, but remember this is /forest/ and we haven't even met Kourin yet.
>> No. 5071
File 121312163625.jpg - (49.27KB , 500x500 , 1212498843535.jpg ) [iqdb]
5071
>>5049
Mmm, you make good points although I don't blame anonymous for my slump.

>>5050

Yes, urgency. There was a lot of tension carried from the whole Yandere Alice thing and it needs to be released properly, not just piffled out. I think I got so worked up in my despair yesterday that I couldn't remember how I was going to do the confrontation of the characters. Really, I should not of attempted to write yesterday. I kept telling myself to go take a walk and clear my head but I didn't want to give in at the time.

>>5052
Freedom is another thing I've been feeling constrained in, /forest/ has a very small list of potential characters that live separately and only a few scant reasons to meet up. Other regions have a central meeting point with a number of characters that live together, /forest/ however lacks centralization. So you can't do something like piss of Marisa and then hang out with Alice until the heat dies down, or can you? I may work one something to do with this.

>>5062
My intention at first was to steer away from using them because of how they appeared in so many stories, but Wriggle needed friends and I realized that there can be a great dynamic within that group if done correctly.

Thanks guys, I really just needed to clear my head and get away from it. I forced it too hard and so it eluded me, with a little luck I can drag things back on track.

Anyway:
Yandere Alice, some suggested she can stay this way by obsessingstalking David. I like this idea, it keeps her in the game without making her useless or forced because it shows she has recovered her senses to a degree but still isn't thinking right. With David's help she can re-learn humanity, this might be an area to play around with fixing her up with another character or cementing her friendship.
Thing is the story arc you're on could possibly mean you have to spend a good deal of time interacting with her, but usually in the presence of Marisa. I dunno if anon is cool with that.

So, Yandere Alice:

[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] DereDere only
>> No. 5072
[] Yes
But that image... can't unsee...
I think I'm crying... Wait, is that blood?
>> No. 5073
[x] Yes
She was awesome, and to have her go back to 'normal' after everything that transpired just wouldn't feel right.
>> No. 5074
[x] Yes
>> No. 5075
[ ] Yes

Tempted to say no because even as a stalking psycho Alice seems boring. Still lets see where this goes.
>> No. 5076
[x] Yes
remember: the proper ratio is 30% yan, 70% dere.
>> No. 5077
[X] DereDere only

I liked Alice better when she seemed sincerely generous.
>> No. 5078
[+] Yes
The story's spent too much playing up the Yandere Alice angle to just piss it away now. Having her not really willing to let David go would be the minimum I could accept.
>> No. 5079
Oh BTW:

Akiha routes?

BAWWWWWWW
&
Y WUD U DO DAT?
>> No. 5080
>>5079

FUCKED UP AIN'T IT
>> No. 5081
>>5079
[X] Keep the promise.
>> No. 5082
[x] Yes
>> No. 5083
>With David's help she can re-learn humanity, this might be an area to play around with fixing her up with another character or cementing her friendship.

So we can't get Alice anymore?
>> No. 5084
>>5083
Hell you can have Alice if you do it right, I just didn't think you guys wanted her anymore.
>> No. 5085
>>5084

Alicefags die hard.
>> No. 5086
>>5084
Like fuck. We want Alice more now. And we've gone deep in her character (predicting pic reply) so that's some job done.
>> No. 5100
>>5084
Fuck, I'm not even an Alice fag and I want her.

>>5076
This is very important!

>>5079
Yeah......yeah..... ;_;
>> No. 5113
>>5079
Don't worry Scorn, they continue Akiha true in KT, a side story thought
>> No. 5120
>>5113
Two sidestories brought tears to my eyes; the Akiha one ("A Story For the Evening"), and "Dawn", which is damn good, and fills in a few questions and plot holes.